Updates and changes for 2020

Old 12-13-2019, 12:25 PM
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Updates and changes for 2020

Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I posted but continued reading the posts periodically. I hadn’t posted partly because I just checked out and also because I was ashamed of posting the same story again and again. It still amazes me how the stories of people in different places and walks of life appear to be so similar...the cycle, expectations, disappointments, anger, and sadness. I am still in between sadness and anger at the moment. I am holding on the anger because I need to. At least until my divorce is final and my AH moves out.

I have been working to accept things. I have been focusing on my own feelings rather than his. My mind and body are tired of carrying our problems and trying to soften the blow for him. It’s not sustainable. I am owning up to my own codependent issues that exacerbated our relationship issues. I am accepting my role in the demise of our marriage.

So here I am, months after I posted that I had filed. I am still here. But things ARE changing, though it’s just really tough right now. The 6-months of mandatory separation have come and gone. But it took a while for both of us to finally sign the final judgment paperwork. This delay was on both of us. He asked for time and I gave it to him. He wanted to take care of some medical stuff; he hasn’t done much though and I keep telling myself to be compassionate and let him handle the things he needs to. On the other hand, he’s had years. I have been asking him to take care of these things for years. I don’t/can’t think that trying to close this chapter of my life is me being mean or vindictive.

I feel guilty for pushing for divorce. I know that in my head, it was the best thing that I could do for myself and also for him. Then a month or so ago, AH acted surprised that the 6 months had even started. I was dumbfounded. I should have not been surprised but I was. What about the forms he’s been signing? What about the emails I have sent him with detailed information? I told him I can’t be responsible for his actions. To say that not taking responsibility for his actions and behaviors were some of my biggest issues is really an understatement. He admitted that this was a big issue in our relationship.

After months of me asking him to move out, he’s finally moving this weekend.

He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek yesterday and today. I let him. Even after coming to the difficult realization that I was just a convenient choice, someone who offered him stability, I still desperately want to think that he cared for me. In his own way, as much as an alcoholic can, loved me.

I have been reading a lot on covert narcissism. It’s been helpful to get some affirmation that maybe I am not crazy. I am working to build my self esteem back up. But it’s a journey. A long and difficult journey. I don’t trust to make my own decisions anymore. I don’t have the drive to get much done. I should feel better but I don’t. I still feel like I’m in the fog. But I know I deserve more. I know that I deserve better.

Long story long, I guess. I haven’t written anything in a while so the words just came out. Sorry for the long post. The update is that the final paperwork is being submitted by my attorney next week. I should be officially divorced in a couple of months. I told him yesterday and he didn’t say anything. I think he’s sad but knows that I am not dropping it anymore. I think he expected me to wait until he was ready. He’s still drinking.

I pray for a better year for all of us. Thank you for your support. Though I had stopped posting, I never stopped reading.
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Old 12-13-2019, 12:50 PM
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Piperdream, I am glad for you.

Honestly, you story is one of the most - I don't even know how to describe it, mixed up? stories I have come across here.

Yes, I think reading about narcissism is not a bad thing at all. Your STBexAH certainly shows traits of something more than alcoholism (if that weren't enough).

It will take time, as you know and the only way through it, is through it as they say. But I just know that in a few months you will be posting that you are happier!

You a nice and generous person, please protect yourself and your feelings.
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Old 12-13-2019, 02:23 PM
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Hi Trailmix. I was hoping to hear from you. I think maybe you mean, messed up!? Lol, I can take it. I know you post a lot and help support newcomers and come and goers alike so for you to say that, I guess I need to really come to terms with the reality of my mixed/messed up situation with my STBXAH. I do feel like a fool. And I feel angry. But I really don’t want to hold on to the anger any more.

I am the “long suffering wife” type I guess. Even my mom tells me that I have given myself up for this man. Like, you totally gave up everything...And she’s totally self-sacrificing so I guess a lot of it is learned behavior too. I have been reflecting a lot on what has led me to this and hope to really work on myself. If I ever do meet anyone, I will put myself first. When you love and prioritize yourself (not in a negative narcissistic way of course), the less chance of being taken for granted; taken advantage of.

I am out all day as he gets his stuff packed up today. Sipping an adult beverage while I type this. But thankfully, I can stop at one or half...
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Old 12-13-2019, 03:13 PM
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Yes, messed up, I was trying to soften that lol

I'm glad you are getting a little peace with your computer and your drink and I hope it continues that way for you, peace and happiness.

Have you read codependent no more? Have you been to Al Anon at all?

I ask because both those things are a really good way to learn about boundaries and protecting yourself.

When you come from a household (for whatever reason whether that is abuse or alcoholism or misogyny, or just the way people are) it's natural to (sometimes) get in to a relationship where you are giving and giving. It's what you know, it's comfortable. Yes, even abuse can be comfortable. It's maddening and frustrating and hurtful but it's still what you know. I speak from experience here.

You read here sometimes of someone telling someone of their story with an alcoholic and a therapist or friend looking at them like - you put up with what!? It's hard to understand for people who haven't experienced it.

But once you have been through that, two things happen. You know it's not comfortable and you don't want it, you tighten up boundaries, you know that a healthy relationship will be so much better.
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Old 12-14-2019, 10:28 AM
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I definitely need to establish better self-care and boundaries. I have read Codependent No More and went to a couple of meetings. I was so unmotivated about everything and stopped going. That was months ago so I know I need to give it another try.

He is dragging the move out so I’m setting aside some of his stuff on the side so that he won’t really have a reason to come back here after he gets done.

I do believe that I’ll feel better and have a more positive update to share in a few months.
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Old 12-14-2019, 11:24 AM
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I think so too. Glad you are back here and posting.
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Old 12-14-2019, 11:29 AM
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Piperdream….you don't have to stay away for a few months....you can post here and post to other people's threads, too....
This is a good place to receive and share support with each other.....
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