First post
This is my first post on this side of the forum and I apologize if it's long. Feel free to skim through my rambling. I'd previously used SR for support in having a loved one with an addiction. My (now ex) husband is an alcoholic. I ended our 10 year relationship to build a better life for myself. I do feel this was the best for him as well. Despite efforts our relationship had become very toxic.
I managed to buy myself a tiny fixer upper home. I poured every ounce of my soul into doing renovations myself. Proud of what I managed. I didn't really have anyone. Felt very alone and sad.
I started going out to try to socialize. Started drinking a lot. Then someone introduced me to cocaine. I'd do it here and there on a night out and didn't think it was a huge deal.
Met a guy. Was crazy about him. Lived a few hours away so only saw him every couple of weekends at the start. Started to see red flags that he was had a drinking problem. He assured me he didn't. We decided he'd move here. He knew about my exs drinking. I told him I had boundaries. I could tolerate someone who had one maybe two drinks on a week night to unwind on occasion and that I was ok with moderate weekend social drinking. He agreed this was a reasonable expectation, moved in and things were great for a while.
He's got a lot of trust issues. He's been hurt. I tried to be understanding. Let him go through my phone. It became obsessive. Caused a lot of tension. He'd create bizarre scenarios in his mind and not only accuse me but the people he imagined were trying get between us. Caused me to cut ties with a lot of people for no reason. His drinking started to get really heavy.
Fighting got worse. Drinking got worse. He owes me a lot of money cause he blows it on booze and smokes then can't afford needs. Behind on his rent to me. I started internalizing. I didn't want to admit that I'd found myself in the same situation as with my ex. I started to drink more and more. Started doing cocaine more. Stupidly I felt it helped me get the tasks I needed done done because I was in such a deep depression I felt I couldn't get motivated without it. Obviously this is where I've spiraled out of control. I am a full blown addict at this point. How ironic to have found myself here. I've told myself I need to stop but kept saying one more time. Let's get through this hard thing I'm dealing with and then address the drug problem. I know I need to stop. The majority of friends who I started this lifestyle with are dead. I want to get better but I don't know how to find joy in anything anymore. It seems overwhelming.
I'm currently dealing with horrible withdrawal symptoms. Anxiety, shakes, nausea. This is step one for me. Admitting. Getting through the physical torture. My intention is to come here to check in. Seek advice. I need to beat this.
I sincerely appreciate anyone who's read this. Appreciate any advice no matter how blunt.
Day one.