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Old 12-11-2019, 11:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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This is my first post on this side of the forum and I apologize if it's long. Feel free to skim through my rambling. I'd previously used SR for support in having a loved one with an addiction. My (now ex) husband is an alcoholic. I ended our 10 year relationship to build a better life for myself. I do feel this was the best for him as well. Despite efforts our relationship had become very toxic.

I managed to buy myself a tiny fixer upper home. I poured every ounce of my soul into doing renovations myself. Proud of what I managed. I didn't really have anyone. Felt very alone and sad.

I started going out to try to socialize. Started drinking a lot. Then someone introduced me to cocaine. I'd do it here and there on a night out and didn't think it was a huge deal.

Met a guy. Was crazy about him. Lived a few hours away so only saw him every couple of weekends at the start. Started to see red flags that he was had a drinking problem. He assured me he didn't. We decided he'd move here. He knew about my exs drinking. I told him I had boundaries. I could tolerate someone who had one maybe two drinks on a week night to unwind on occasion and that I was ok with moderate weekend social drinking. He agreed this was a reasonable expectation, moved in and things were great for a while.

He's got a lot of trust issues. He's been hurt. I tried to be understanding. Let him go through my phone. It became obsessive. Caused a lot of tension. He'd create bizarre scenarios in his mind and not only accuse me but the people he imagined were trying get between us. Caused me to cut ties with a lot of people for no reason. His drinking started to get really heavy.

Fighting got worse. Drinking got worse. He owes me a lot of money cause he blows it on booze and smokes then can't afford needs. Behind on his rent to me. I started internalizing. I didn't want to admit that I'd found myself in the same situation as with my ex. I started to drink more and more. Started doing cocaine more. Stupidly I felt it helped me get the tasks I needed done done because I was in such a deep depression I felt I couldn't get motivated without it. Obviously this is where I've spiraled out of control. I am a full blown addict at this point. How ironic to have found myself here. I've told myself I need to stop but kept saying one more time. Let's get through this hard thing I'm dealing with and then address the drug problem. I know I need to stop. The majority of friends who I started this lifestyle with are dead. I want to get better but I don't know how to find joy in anything anymore. It seems overwhelming.

I'm currently dealing with horrible withdrawal symptoms. Anxiety, shakes, nausea. This is step one for me. Admitting. Getting through the physical torture. My intention is to come here to check in. Seek advice. I need to beat this.
​​​​​​
I sincerely appreciate anyone who's read this. Appreciate any advice no matter how blunt.

Day one.
​​​​
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Old 12-11-2019, 12:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You sure you are doing the right thing by going cold turkey by yourself?
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Old 12-11-2019, 12:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Congrats on posting here and getting support for yourself.
You sound as though you have been through a lot. The first step is acknowledging
you have an issue. Now things will get better. You will go forward.
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Old 12-11-2019, 12:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I have never used cocaine, but other than that I could have written your post.


Step one:

He has got to go.

No you may not reconcile or have contact or a separation.

This was a bad choice. You will discover why you made this choice as you work on yourself and grow.

Put relationships on the back burner.

Your "pIcker" is broken and until youre well you will continue to attract D-bags and those with a boat load of their own problems.
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Old 12-11-2019, 12:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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1) Get an evaluation for depression.
2) Got to an N/A or AA meeting

You could be seeking to fill a sort of void with things that are toxic long term. Work on yourself before you engage in another relationship.

All the best to you.
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Old 12-11-2019, 12:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShiftHappens View Post
I have never used cocaine, but other than that I could have written your post.


Step one:

He has got to go.

No you may not reconcile or have contact or a separation.

This was a bad choice. You will discover why you made this choice as you work on yourself and grow.

Put relationships on the back burner.

Your "pIcker" is broken and until youre well you will continue to attract D-bags and those with a boat load of their own problems.
Agree with all of this.
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Old 12-11-2019, 12:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm glad you posted and are seeking support here. None of us sets out to become an alcoholic. Accepting that you cannot drink alcohol is a big step. You may find that your depression improves when you stop drinking because alcohol is a depressant. If not, at some point, you may consider talking to your doctor. Do you have a plan in place for how you will stop drinking?
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Old 12-11-2019, 12:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cantsleep123 View Post
You sure you are doing the right thing by going cold turkey by yourself?
I'm not sure. I'd like to think I'm a strong enough person. I feel like if I can grit my teeth through the first couple days that I'll be in a better headspace to start working on the next steps.
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Old 12-11-2019, 12:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cantsleep123 View Post
You sure you are doing the right thing by going cold turkey by yourself?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShiftHappens View Post
I have never used cocaine, but other than that I could have written your post.


Step one:

He has got to go.

No you may not reconcile or have contact or a separation.

This was a bad choice. You will discover why you made this choice as you work on yourself and grow.

Put relationships on the back burner.

Your "pIcker" is broken and until youre well you will continue to attract D-bags and those with a boat load of their own problems.
I agree. A hard truth that I've been putting off. Thank you.
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Old 12-11-2019, 01:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I made the same mistake after ending my 24 year marriage.

I too bought a fixer upper, first time on my own...

Get yourself a pet if being alone is not something youre used to and work on yourself.

You will never be happy or well with this guy.
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Old 12-11-2019, 01:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1wildflower View Post
I'm not sure. I'd like to think I'm a strong enough person. I feel like if I can grit my teeth through the first couple days that I'll be in a better headspace to start working on the next steps.
I mean just the physical dangers of quitting drinking cold turkey. The cocaine should not be life threatening if I recall correctly.
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Old 12-11-2019, 01:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome. I hope there is something here for you.
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Old 12-11-2019, 01:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family. You'll find lots of support here. And I agree, ditch the guy, he's no good for you.
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Old 12-11-2019, 01:56 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome 1wildflower. It took bravery to open up and post about what's happening. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, but glad you are here.

I was a double winner too. Ended an otherwise loving marriage to an alcoholic - only to become a full-on alcoholic myself. Not logical - but that's addiction for you. Coming to SR after 30 yrs. of drinking helped give me the strength to quit for good. I had felt all alone - no one to understand or relate to. Being here, I was comforted by the support & acceptance. I hope you'll stay & keep reading and posting. We care about you.
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Old 12-11-2019, 02:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Welcome to this side of the boards 1wildflowr

The support I found here helped me turn my life around - I know you'll find that same kind of help here.

You're not alone

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Old 12-11-2019, 02:41 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome Wildflower, I m so glad you came here and posted. You are taking positive steps to get yourself healthy. This site helped me get sober, and I still read and post daily.

Is this guy still living with you? If so, trying to get him out would be a really good thing. His drinking is definitely a concern, but the bigger red flag is him checking your phone and separating you from friends. Many years ago I dated someone who started out overly controlling and that turned to physical violence. Please be careful if you ask him to leave.
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Old 12-11-2019, 02:59 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hard to understand the timelines but I’m hoping that you’re not many, many, many years in to your cocaine and alcohol abuse? Hopefully your body can make a faster recovery after you cut yourself free from your second toxic relationship (you know that has to happen right?)

Posting here was a great step.

Support and Strength to you.

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Old 12-11-2019, 03:08 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Bless your heart

It takes a lot of strength and courage to reach out for help.
Take a deep breath...that was step 1.
Next...
Are you safe in your own home? Can you get him out? Do you have face to face support? (friends, family, co-worker)
Then.....
Stay sober.....every time you want to drink or use...do anything else! Watch TV, take a bath, a walk, make some food.
Post...
Every day, all day, today, tomorrow...keep reaching out for support. The last thing you need is to feel alone.
Hugs
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Old 12-11-2019, 03:15 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Hello glad you made it here. Lets get your sober muscles in shape. But there are some things That you need to do .to do so. One kick dude to the curb you just got out of a mess. Now back in one. No worries. You can fix this. One day at a time ✌
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Old 12-12-2019, 06:25 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a lot better today. I slept. I ate. To answer the question about timeframe drinking has been a crutch for about 1.5 years. While the drinking is absolutely a problem the coke is what was scaring me more. Into it for a year but a daily user for the last month and a half... I'm safe. He's going. I have a family member who I trust that's helping me with this now. I have confidence that I got the scare I needed. Now just need to keep on taking the steps I need to turn this around.
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