Thank you guys for the wise advice. I was just sitting here, between my business meetings, shopping for Christmas online... and I realized that the last couple of weeks I apparently have been doing some of my online Christmas shopping after *several* drinks of vodka. So I know little knowledge of what I had actually ordered thus far. So sad. So very sad.
Although I have to say that there is a peaceful feeling knowing that I am going to really give this a solid chance. Knowing now that I have a support group like SR gives me the courage and strength to really move into a world without alcohol. I am excited to have a life once again where I am fullfilled by the little things in life. Maybe I am just afraid of really feeling true emotions, and that's why I numb myself every day and night. Maybe I'm afraid that I don't deserve my husband, and that one day he will realize that. Maybe I'm afraid that once I have to initiate a conversation in a group without the fuel of the "liquid courage" I will be laughed at... I don't know. But what I do know is what I'm doing right now is definetely not working. Instead of moving through life with fake happiness and glee, I am destructing myself.
Maybe my husband has a silent knowledge of my addiction. Some of my stash isn't exactly hidden... it's in our bar. But I have to wonder if he notices that gallons and gallons of vodka, rum, etc are moving quickly in and out of the house. Could it be that he really doesn't notice? And if so, I am envious of his lack of attention to the bar. I wish I had that lack of need/attention to our bar. I would LOVE to pass the bar without the thought, "there's my baby!". Again, so sad.
The other part of my stash is hidden. I'll drink a bottle of wine in front of him... but have the other bottle of wine hidden. So, as far as he knows, I only drank 1 bottle of wine a night - when I really drank two. (Heavy sigh).
He does know that I drink. And he probably thinks I drink a little too much. (I blame it on my work - stress, you know. He is satisfied with that answer). But he has NO IDEA how very, very, very much I drink. For every drink he sees me take, I have several hidden drinks too. Sometimes he tells me that he has no idea how I get so drunk off of the one drink we had at dinner. I don't tell him that's because he didn't see me drink the bottle of wine and glass of vodka before we left for dinner.
I may come clean with my husband. I am just so afraid that he will not understand. And that he will judge me and be disappointed, and it will change our relationship for the worse. I am supposed to be the "perfect" wife. In his profession he needs to have a clean slate all-around. If I came clean, I would really tarnish his clean slate.
It was a big step for me to join SR. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to take the big step and admit to my husband just yet. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time. I do know that the support I have received thus far from SR has been eye opening. And I am so thankful. You all have been so wonderful, and I cherish the fact that I found this site.
Thank you all again. I need you.