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I need help

Old 11-30-2005, 08:57 PM
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I need help

There. I said it.
I drink every day. At least a bottle of wine. Plus I've been drinking way too much vodka.

My husband has no idea that I sneak glups of vodka during our time together at home. I even take vodka on business trips.

Lately, I've been causing a lot of problems for myself. I drank a whole bottle of wine before going to a dinner party...then drinking several glasses there. Which you can image the result.

I drink before business presentations. Just to give me courage and personality. I'm really afraid that my coworkers are going to catch on.

I have been wasted 50% of the time the last several weeks. Easily.

A couple of months ago I did stop drinking for two weeks... which were the best two weeks of my life. The sad part is that the reason I stopped drinking is because I was having heath problems. Once the doctors determined that I was going to be OK, I started drinking again. I am so mad at myself.

I know that I am too ashamed and frightened to go to AA.

Plus I am a closest drinker... so no one has any idea of how much I drink, or that I have a problem. And I want to keep it that way... I don't want anyone to know. Even my husband.

Is there a strong book out there to give me a swift kick in the butt? Or any other advise? I just really want to give this a shot and succeed.

Thank you.
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Old 11-30-2005, 09:09 PM
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Hi Edye
Welcome to SR.
I think you will find good information here about alcoholism and find some tools to deal with it.


"A couple of months ago I did stop drinking for two weeks... which were the best two weeks of my life. " - you

You know that you can stop and you know that you felt really good when you did...

Most of us find it is too hard to do alone... reaching out for support from others in the same sinking boat of addiction and throwing out a life line to one another helps save our butts from drowning.
We have meetings here in the chatroom... you can test the waters and see if it does not make you feel better.

Glad you are here...
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Old 11-30-2005, 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Edye
There. I said it.
I drink every day. At least a bottle of wine. Plus I've been drinking way too much vodka.

My husband has no idea that I sneak glups of vodka during our time together at home. I even take vodka on business trips.


Plus I am a closest drinker... so no one has any idea of how much I drink, or that I have a problem. And I want to keep it that way... I don't want anyone to know. Even my husband.

.
I am a newbie here so I cannot really offer any advice.

Just want to let you know that your habits mirror mine exactly. Vodka shot before a presentation at work or on a business trip, definetly sounds familiar. Oh yeah, you mentioned being a closet drinker, me too, my girlfriend knew but not the full extent. I would stash a few nips in our bathroom so I could have a drink while getting dressed or before bed without her noticing.

Good Luck........
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Old 11-30-2005, 09:24 PM
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Hi there and welcome to SR

You have made the first step by recognising that you have a problem, and reaching out for help.

I was unable to get sober alone, because once I had put it down, ( which i couldn't do alone either) I was left with ME and I had no idea who I was. i still had my insecurities, and defects which had been a good excuse to drink in the past.

I chose AA as my method of recovery, because not only did the folks there support me when I was trying to NOT DRINK, but AA also gives me thwe tools to live a HAPPY sober life

Good Luck to you

HUGX
Lee
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Old 11-30-2005, 09:36 PM
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Hi and Welcome!

Glad you found us....we have lots of info and we do understand.

AA is my recovery program. I find meetings vital to my recovery.

I suggest you read the sticky post
"Quitting what to expect"

Blessings...
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Old 12-01-2005, 03:36 AM
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A book that I can highly recommend for you is the AA big book...it has some amazing recovery stories in it and a lot of useful medical info as well... you can buy it on amazon.com or see it on the internet, just type in big book AA online into google and it will come up.
Take it from there! And keep posting! We are all in the same boat and recovery is possible you'll see it from many inspirational people here!
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Old 12-01-2005, 04:07 AM
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Our local Borders store sell the Big Book; also the Goodwill has copies from time to time. Good Luck!

Also try reading "Under the Influence" by Dr. James Milam and Katherine Ketcham
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Old 12-01-2005, 07:31 AM
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Thanks everyone. I'm on a business trip right now, and doing so-so. Once I get home I am throwing out all the bottles to reduce temptation. The problem is, when I get home, my husband will be out of town for several days. This will leave me alone and lonely in the house with that ugly voice of alcohol in my head.... hopefully not having the bottles in the house is enough. I'd call a friend, but the last several times I've been out with them, I've been obviously wasted. And I'm sure they prefer not to hang out anymore. Anyway, I really feel like I need to get myself together first.

What I will do is swing by the bookstore and pick up the recommendations... thank you. I appreciate the help.
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Old 12-01-2005, 07:45 AM
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This is where going to a meeting can really help you....it will fill up the evenings, give you a place to go...and help to make you feel grateful to be ALIVE and make wonderful new spiritual friends...and stay sober and wake up refreshed!!! Just my advice - good luck!
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Old 12-01-2005, 07:54 AM
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Edye,
I read "How to quit drinking without AA" by Jerry Dorsman. Its not that I am against AA by any means. It helps so many people, one was my father... who is a recovering alcoholic of several years now and sounds like a wonderful program. For several reasons I would rather not discuss, I just dont think AA is for me...

The road to your recovery begins within you... Sounds like to me it is time to step out of your shell, admit your problem to your husband and freinds, I bet you would be amazed at the support you would get.

I wish you the best... You are not alone either...
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Old 12-01-2005, 08:06 AM
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Thank you everyone. I've only been a part of SR for a day now, and I've felt so much wonderful support. More than I expected. Just knowing that you were all out there is helping me gather the strength to move forward into a word without alcohol. Thank you. You'll definetely be seeing a lot more from me in the forums. It's good to know that there is a place for me to come for that extra bit of courage.
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Old 12-01-2005, 08:16 AM
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Hi Edye. Welcome to SR.

AA meetings are a great way to fill the time while your hubby is gone.

But if you choose not to, you can always hang out with us! You can read here forever and never get bored, as well as pick up some knowledge along the way.

And I agree with Booth - your friends may be more supportive than you think.

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Old 12-01-2005, 08:38 AM
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Hi Edye, Glad you are here, SR is a great place for support and information.
Drinking "on the road" I remember the nightmare. Waking up in the hotel room not quite remembering the end of the eve and thinking no one noticed how much I drank, I believed that for years.
Sad part was no matter how many mints I took everyone could smell it a mile away, it turned out for me that the only one who didnt know how much I was drinking was me.
Recognizing a problem and being at SR is a great start, throw it out when you get home, another step forward, life will get better each day.
Take Care and look forward to seeing you here
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Old 12-01-2005, 08:40 AM
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I also reccomend reading the AA Big Book even if you don't want to go to meetings right now.

Continue to post here, especially when you feel a craving coming on. It might also be helpful if you have any NON DRINKING friends or family member that you could call and confide in about your desire to stop.

Having another soul to talk to who will listen without judging can be tremendously helpful. I wish you well.
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Old 12-01-2005, 12:10 PM
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Edye,
Welcome to SR, you will find enormous support here as well as a huge amount of knowledge of all aspects of alcoholic addiction.
What I recommend you do is to be absolutely honest and open with your husband. You need all the support you can get if you are to become sober, starting on the path to sobriety whilst keeping things secret is almost certain to end in tears.
I was a secret drinker like you and I mistakenly thought that nobody had really noticed how much I was drinking. They notice all right, it is just that very few people are prepared to be honest with you. One day whilst I was drinking from my secret stash I had what some people call a moment of clarity. I saw my alcoholic addiction in all its awfulness and decided there and then to stop. I went to the lounge, sat down and told my wife all about my drinking and of my absolute intention to stop. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the toughest part of quitting was behind me. My wife has never reproached me for my past drinking but has instead been truly supportive and kindness itself.
I reckon that your husband will be just as supportive and that you will feel just as unburdened if you start out by being fearlessly frank and open. You owe it to yourself and your family.
I wish you all the best
Michael
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Old 12-01-2005, 01:13 PM
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Good post Michaelj.
I thought I was a closet drinker to, guess what - nope. I had a couple of months this summer that I was away on business and I would "drunk dial" my hubby and swear I wasn't drinking. Um hello, I'm a totally different person when I'm drinking, he knew. But he is very supportive of me now and edye, I'm sure if you come clean with your husband he'll support you too. You need to tell him what you've been doing so you're actually held accountable for your actions. Good luck edye, you're not alone in this
Kathy
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Old 12-01-2005, 03:11 PM
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Thank you guys for the wise advice. I was just sitting here, between my business meetings, shopping for Christmas online... and I realized that the last couple of weeks I apparently have been doing some of my online Christmas shopping after *several* drinks of vodka. So I know little knowledge of what I had actually ordered thus far. So sad. So very sad.

Although I have to say that there is a peaceful feeling knowing that I am going to really give this a solid chance. Knowing now that I have a support group like SR gives me the courage and strength to really move into a world without alcohol. I am excited to have a life once again where I am fullfilled by the little things in life. Maybe I am just afraid of really feeling true emotions, and that's why I numb myself every day and night. Maybe I'm afraid that I don't deserve my husband, and that one day he will realize that. Maybe I'm afraid that once I have to initiate a conversation in a group without the fuel of the "liquid courage" I will be laughed at... I don't know. But what I do know is what I'm doing right now is definetely not working. Instead of moving through life with fake happiness and glee, I am destructing myself.

Maybe my husband has a silent knowledge of my addiction. Some of my stash isn't exactly hidden... it's in our bar. But I have to wonder if he notices that gallons and gallons of vodka, rum, etc are moving quickly in and out of the house. Could it be that he really doesn't notice? And if so, I am envious of his lack of attention to the bar. I wish I had that lack of need/attention to our bar. I would LOVE to pass the bar without the thought, "there's my baby!". Again, so sad.

The other part of my stash is hidden. I'll drink a bottle of wine in front of him... but have the other bottle of wine hidden. So, as far as he knows, I only drank 1 bottle of wine a night - when I really drank two. (Heavy sigh).

He does know that I drink. And he probably thinks I drink a little too much. (I blame it on my work - stress, you know. He is satisfied with that answer). But he has NO IDEA how very, very, very much I drink. For every drink he sees me take, I have several hidden drinks too. Sometimes he tells me that he has no idea how I get so drunk off of the one drink we had at dinner. I don't tell him that's because he didn't see me drink the bottle of wine and glass of vodka before we left for dinner.

I may come clean with my husband. I am just so afraid that he will not understand. And that he will judge me and be disappointed, and it will change our relationship for the worse. I am supposed to be the "perfect" wife. In his profession he needs to have a clean slate all-around. If I came clean, I would really tarnish his clean slate.

It was a big step for me to join SR. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to take the big step and admit to my husband just yet. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time. I do know that the support I have received thus far from SR has been eye opening. And I am so thankful. You all have been so wonderful, and I cherish the fact that I found this site.

Thank you all again. I need you.
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Old 12-01-2005, 03:43 PM
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Oh, Edye, you're doing the right thing now! You've started off in the right direction before it's gotten any worse, and that is good.

For some reason, when I started in on sobriety I really felt I needed to keep it secret, to just "do it for me" or something--I don't know. So I didn't come right out with my good (for a change) secret to my husband or anybody. It was my own thing. Once I got a couple weeks under my belt, I felt more confident about it or something, and decided to tell him all about it. And though he cannot at all relate to this problem (drinking is such a non-issue for him, lucky guy-), he's been great. He actually said he'd had some concerns about my drinking in the past, but wasn't sure how to bring it up to me. Now I think he's nearly as relieved as I am!

You are in a good place now, Edye. I'm so glad you are here
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Old 12-01-2005, 03:46 PM
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Hi again Edye

So glad you are sticking with it .
I identify with all the feelings and thoughts that you have expressed in your post . I guess that is why I find AA so helpful, it has given me tools to deal with those emotions without drinking.

Oh! Boy ! do I identify with the online shopping while drunk!
Unidentified objects turning up at the door, which I had absolutely no recollection of ordering

I also used to hide my grog, and i live ALONE lol What was that all about

HUGX
Lee
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Old 12-01-2005, 04:23 PM
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Thanks guys!

My fingers are crossed that I (1) empty the bottles as soon as I get home and (2) hope that my friends/coworkers forget about the "old" me as soon as possible.

I read somewhere on the forum to focus on some home projects to take your mind off alcohol. By time my husband gets back next week, I'll probably will have redecorated the entire house.
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