Feeling guilty....I’m an expert at that!
I was with my XRAH for 16 years. He had quit a few times but it never lasted long. The longest he quit was 13 months which was in 2014. He came home from studying at his office all day long and I could tell he was completely wasted (I wondered after talking to him on the phone already because he seemed really off). Which means he drove home completely sh*tfaced as well and I was livid. He had to take his test (that is only given once a year which is why had waited until after) 2 days later and then I confronted him. Felt like he should get help, that it was so lonely for me as well since I had no one I could talk to about this (in retrospect I should’ve had I know what I know now) etc. He quit but wanted to try it one more time on his own, he realized he could never drink again etc etc. And I was ok with that because at that point I still naively thought that if he could just quit everything would be fine. However, that’s not how it works (I learned much later) and he was a dry drink, still miserable and tired and antisocial (as in didn’t want to go to get together with friends etc). At that point I subconsciously knew I should just do my own thing and I think that was the beginning of the end for me although I didn’t know it. After 13 months he started drinking again and subconsciously, once again, I knew that I needed to let it go or he would just keep quitting for a while and restarting. A year after he had started again things had gotten really bad, for me at least, I couldn’t trust him alone with our kid, I would have an excuse why I should drive every time etc. Then I was the one that hit rock bottom before he did. I was ready to walk (and that was the first time I was at that point) and gave him an ultimatum. Ultimatum worked only because he was himself ready to quit just needed that final kick in the butt. He quit, got sent to rehab because of his work and was there 3 months. It actually really made our relationship worse. He got out and we started marriage counseling and I had started my own counseling when he went to rehab. I had sooooo much guilt, he was ready to move on with our relationship and I was one angry person still, lots of resentment etc. I am pretty sure I told my counselor from the beginning that I really wasn’t sure that I could get past this even though with the ultimatum I told him I would give him one more chance. I had a really hard time accepting that I was just done, that my feelings were just gone but that I had always suppressed all of that and now with counseling I was able to actually be honest with myself. My counselor told me many times that it was ok to feel that way but that whatever I decided I needed to ok with that decision. Marriages fail even without addiction and if you are done then you are done. Can’t force feelings. One analogy that I think I found here was that when you are living with an alcoholic it is like through a tornado. The tornado is destructing everything in it path but the alcoholic is basically unaware because he is drunk and unaware. And then when the tornado stops raging (when the alcoholic gets sober) there is so much damage but the alcoholic doesn’t understand where it came from. You on the other hand lived through that tornado very consciously.
I think most of us here suppressed a lot of our feeling because we felt we had to take care of the alcoholic and keep the family going and we neglected an ignored our own feelings because we had to be strong. I know that what I did and it is like the flood gates opened once it was out in the open and I started going to counseling where I learned that I am entitled to my feelings whatever they are. I was finally able to be honest with myself and realized that I really just did not love my XRAH anymore but had been afraid to admit it because we have a child a family etc. I learned that it was ok to feel that way and that I needed to be honest with myself and sit with my feelings. And I realized that I just did not want to stick around because of our child, waste 10 years of my life and then still end up divorced when she goes to college. I also had become so physically repulsed by him especially the before he went to rehab and I realized there just was not coming back from that, it took a lot of counseling and I told my counselor that if it had not been for him I probably would’ve stayed married (because I would not have been strong enough to split) and that was a compliment. I hated our marriage counselor because I felt like he thought I was stupid for not wanting to stay (he had an alcoholic ex who never got sober to I felt that he was jealous in a way and that I was stupid for nor staying, and I even told him that).
Anyway, you need to do what you need to do for you. There are no guarantees he will stay sober forever so that will always be lurking over you. I think for me it would’ve been hard to ever really trust him again and if he was acting just slightly weird I would worry. And if he is gonna drink when you leave him chances are very good that he would’ve restarted even if you had stayed. I felt bad for my ex that I just couldn’t get past it but it was time to start thinking about me for once, I have zero regrets other than that my kid now has to split her time between the two of us but in the long run I know it is better for her than if I had stayed for her her. I was awful lonely in my marriage and now I’m alone and liking it. Having been with someone else since (not a relationship more of a FWB situation ) I now miss the physical/emotional aspect but I had not really had that with my ex for a good long time anyway so I don’t miss that from him. But overall I am very content doing my own thing. And for the most part I have really gotten past that guilt. It took a lot of time and work (we split about 1.5 years after he had come home from rehab ) and i dont regret not bailing sooner because I needed that time for me to come to terms with it and accept that I was done. Had I bailed sooner I think it would have been much harder on me. It sounds like you feel like you are doing the right thing so listen to that feeling. Think about you and not him. He is an adult and can take care of himself and if he cannot, then that is not really your problem. You need to do what’s best for you because you probably have not done that in a long time. He probably has had many chances or opportunities in the least to get clean and sober, it isn’t your fault that he continued drinking and that he destroyed much of the relationship. And even if he wasn’t an addict, if your feeling are gone they are gone. And that’s reason enough not to stay with someone.