Why the guilt?

Old 12-05-2019, 11:20 AM
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Why the guilt?

I feel guilty because even though he's stopped drinking for the past 4 months, I still feel done with the relationship. I told him 2 years ago it needed to change but nothing changed until this summer when I said I was done. I know if I don't continue moving forward with the divorce, he will eventually feel like he can start drinking again. I know it, so why the guilt?

Every fiber of me does not want to go through this process, but I know I have to. I am meeting with the paralegal who is helping me with my paperwork tonight. My plan is to have him served the first week of January, after my daughter goes back to college.
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Old 12-05-2019, 11:55 AM
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Maresy, the damage done is too great for you to get past. There is nothing wrong w/what you're feeling. Sometimes things are so broken that they simply can't be fixed, and it sounds like you're there. The trust is gone. You do NOT owe him endless "re-do's"; you have a life of your own and a responsibility to yourself.

It might help to remember that you are not the source of the problem, even though I'm sure he will tell you that you are. He made the choices he made, and as an adult, he had every right to make them. However, as an adult, he also gets to face the consequences of those choices. He brought that on himself, not you or your lack of compassion or lack of understanding or general cruelty or whatever he might choose to accuse you of on any given day.
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Old 12-05-2019, 12:02 PM
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Oh I think it's perfectly normal to feel guilt, even if you know you are doing the right thing.

He doesn't want the divorce and although you are finished with the "romantic" part of your relationship with him, that doesn't mean he won't be hurt and/or disappointed.

So that's the normal part, who likes hurting someone else?

It means disrupting lives, there is nothing really joyful about divorce that I have found. All you can do is trust that you are doing the right thing and move forward. The other people will survive and carry on with their lives and you, will set yourself free.
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Old 12-05-2019, 12:48 PM
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You both made me cry. I think I needed to cry today and just release some of this stuff. I keep telling myself none of this is my fault, but making myself believe it is something else altogether. Thanks!
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Old 12-05-2019, 04:28 PM
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Maresy……..on this forum , "guilt" is mentioned thousands ...thousands.... of times by spouses in your exact situation....
This makes me wonder....I really don't think that ourlanguage gives us many words to accurately describe the various emotions that we can feel.
As a result, I think that we may, actually, mislabel some emotions....
I suspect, that we might take the intense sadness and compassion that often accompany divorce...and call it "guilt".....

I don't know if this is true....but, it is something that I have thought about, a lot.....

Of course, there can be other reasons for feeling "guilty".....when one has not actually done anything wrong.....
I think that one is that a person may have a very overbearing Superego....resulting from overly demanding standards by ones caretakers in the early years...so, that when ever anything appears to go wrong...one responds in a reflex feeling of guilt or shame.....
And, I also think that those with co-dependency tendencies....and not enough self esteem of their own...tend to believe those who may, unfairly, try to heap blame onto us that we don't deserve....we actually may buy the bill of goods that they try to sell us....

These are just some thoughts that go through my head when the subject of guilt comes up......
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Old 12-06-2019, 08:34 AM
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Change is HARD. You will come out better for it on the other side, but getting there is a process that no one wants to go through.

Sending you a big hug.
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Old 12-06-2019, 01:37 PM
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When you can no longer trust or respect someone there's no going back. The damage is already too great to fix. Drinking or staying sober is HIS decision alone. An Alanon slogan that helps me is "feelings aren't facts": just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.
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Old 12-06-2019, 06:53 PM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
Maresy, the damage done is too great for you to get past. There is nothing wrong w/what you're feeling. Sometimes things are so broken that they simply can't be fixed, and it sounds like you're there. The trust is gone. You do NOT owe him endless "re-do's"; you have a life of your own and a responsibility to yourself.

It might help to remember that you are not the source of the problem, even though I'm sure he will tell you that you are. He made the choices he made, and as an adult, he had every right to make them. However, as an adult, he also gets to face the consequences of those choices. He brought that on himself, not you or your lack of compassion or lack of understanding or general cruelty or whatever he might choose to accuse you of on any given day.
I have been broken up with XRAF and he has tried to work so much guilt on me for not getting back together. He literally doesn’t see (or doesn’t want to see) how much he betrayed my trust, hurt me, and disrespected me, especially after the breakup. Yet I still feel bad. Part of me still loves him.

I am beyond grateful I have my own place now because otherwise I think it would be too easy to get sucked back In.
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Old 12-07-2019, 03:26 PM
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I was really guilty when I first left, not sure why but got through that and a lot of other emotions. Glad I left.
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Old 12-07-2019, 06:32 PM
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Feeling guilty....I’m an expert at that!
I was with my XRAH for 16 years. He had quit a few times but it never lasted long. The longest he quit was 13 months which was in 2014. He came home from studying at his office all day long and I could tell he was completely wasted (I wondered after talking to him on the phone already because he seemed really off). Which means he drove home completely sh*tfaced as well and I was livid. He had to take his test (that is only given once a year which is why had waited until after) 2 days later and then I confronted him. Felt like he should get help, that it was so lonely for me as well since I had no one I could talk to about this (in retrospect I should’ve had I know what I know now) etc. He quit but wanted to try it one more time on his own, he realized he could never drink again etc etc. And I was ok with that because at that point I still naively thought that if he could just quit everything would be fine. However, that’s not how it works (I learned much later) and he was a dry drink, still miserable and tired and antisocial (as in didn’t want to go to get together with friends etc). At that point I subconsciously knew I should just do my own thing and I think that was the beginning of the end for me although I didn’t know it. After 13 months he started drinking again and subconsciously, once again, I knew that I needed to let it go or he would just keep quitting for a while and restarting. A year after he had started again things had gotten really bad, for me at least, I couldn’t trust him alone with our kid, I would have an excuse why I should drive every time etc. Then I was the one that hit rock bottom before he did. I was ready to walk (and that was the first time I was at that point) and gave him an ultimatum. Ultimatum worked only because he was himself ready to quit just needed that final kick in the butt. He quit, got sent to rehab because of his work and was there 3 months. It actually really made our relationship worse. He got out and we started marriage counseling and I had started my own counseling when he went to rehab. I had sooooo much guilt, he was ready to move on with our relationship and I was one angry person still, lots of resentment etc. I am pretty sure I told my counselor from the beginning that I really wasn’t sure that I could get past this even though with the ultimatum I told him I would give him one more chance. I had a really hard time accepting that I was just done, that my feelings were just gone but that I had always suppressed all of that and now with counseling I was able to actually be honest with myself. My counselor told me many times that it was ok to feel that way but that whatever I decided I needed to ok with that decision. Marriages fail even without addiction and if you are done then you are done. Can’t force feelings. One analogy that I think I found here was that when you are living with an alcoholic it is like through a tornado. The tornado is destructing everything in it path but the alcoholic is basically unaware because he is drunk and unaware. And then when the tornado stops raging (when the alcoholic gets sober) there is so much damage but the alcoholic doesn’t understand where it came from. You on the other hand lived through that tornado very consciously.
I think most of us here suppressed a lot of our feeling because we felt we had to take care of the alcoholic and keep the family going and we neglected an ignored our own feelings because we had to be strong. I know that what I did and it is like the flood gates opened once it was out in the open and I started going to counseling where I learned that I am entitled to my feelings whatever they are. I was finally able to be honest with myself and realized that I really just did not love my XRAH anymore but had been afraid to admit it because we have a child a family etc. I learned that it was ok to feel that way and that I needed to be honest with myself and sit with my feelings. And I realized that I just did not want to stick around because of our child, waste 10 years of my life and then still end up divorced when she goes to college. I also had become so physically repulsed by him especially the before he went to rehab and I realized there just was not coming back from that, it took a lot of counseling and I told my counselor that if it had not been for him I probably would’ve stayed married (because I would not have been strong enough to split) and that was a compliment. I hated our marriage counselor because I felt like he thought I was stupid for not wanting to stay (he had an alcoholic ex who never got sober to I felt that he was jealous in a way and that I was stupid for nor staying, and I even told him that).
Anyway, you need to do what you need to do for you. There are no guarantees he will stay sober forever so that will always be lurking over you. I think for me it would’ve been hard to ever really trust him again and if he was acting just slightly weird I would worry. And if he is gonna drink when you leave him chances are very good that he would’ve restarted even if you had stayed. I felt bad for my ex that I just couldn’t get past it but it was time to start thinking about me for once, I have zero regrets other than that my kid now has to split her time between the two of us but in the long run I know it is better for her than if I had stayed for her her. I was awful lonely in my marriage and now I’m alone and liking it. Having been with someone else since (not a relationship more of a FWB situation ) I now miss the physical/emotional aspect but I had not really had that with my ex for a good long time anyway so I don’t miss that from him. But overall I am very content doing my own thing. And for the most part I have really gotten past that guilt. It took a lot of time and work (we split about 1.5 years after he had come home from rehab ) and i dont regret not bailing sooner because I needed that time for me to come to terms with it and accept that I was done. Had I bailed sooner I think it would have been much harder on me. It sounds like you feel like you are doing the right thing so listen to that feeling. Think about you and not him. He is an adult and can take care of himself and if he cannot, then that is not really your problem. You need to do what’s best for you because you probably have not done that in a long time. He probably has had many chances or opportunities in the least to get clean and sober, it isn’t your fault that he continued drinking and that he destroyed much of the relationship. And even if he wasn’t an addict, if your feeling are gone they are gone. And that’s reason enough not to stay with someone.
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Old 12-09-2019, 08:55 AM
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I think Dandylion is right - guilt probably isn't the right word. And I'm sure there is lots of codependency mixed into it!

I am meeting with a new therapist tomorrow. The one I had moved out of state. Hopefully between a therapist, online support and my friends and family, I can keep moving forward. I know what is best for me. I have to get over worrying about hurting him.
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Old 12-09-2019, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Maresy……..on this forum , "guilt" is mentioned thousands ...thousands.... of times by spouses in your exact situation....
This makes me wonder....I really don't think that ourlanguage gives us many words to accurately describe the various emotions that we can feel.
As a result, I think that we may, actually, mislabel some emotions....
I suspect, that we might take the intense sadness and compassion that often accompany divorce...and call it "guilt".....

I don't know if this is true....but, it is something that I have thought about, a lot.....

Of course, there can be other reasons for feeling "guilty".....when one has not actually done anything wrong.....
I think that one is that a person may have a very overbearing Superego....resulting from overly demanding standards by ones caretakers in the early years...so, that when ever anything appears to go wrong...one responds in a reflex feeling of guilt or shame.....
And, I also think that those with co-dependency tendencies....and not enough self esteem of their own...tend to believe those who may, unfairly, try to heap blame onto us that we don't deserve....we actually may buy the bill of goods that they try to sell us....

These are just some thoughts that go through my head when the subject of guilt comes up......

I think so too, and was just thinking the same thing about the word/ concept of forgiveness. Not sure if there is a word for it, but the concept of not forgiving abusive behavior itself (especially when dealing with a person who is not sorry), but you make the decision to not let it take up space in your head anymore, not expose yourself to this anymore, and decide to live as your best self. Maybe there’s a word of this concept in a language other than English, but I hear people saying this is forgiveness. To me it’s not forgiveness, but some word that probably doesn’t exist?
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