I remember, like it was yesterday... coming to this forum... my eyes filled with tears as my heart was completely broken. I had just left my XAGF, went completely NC and her birthday was right around the corner. I was always a big gift-giver, but for her... I always had celebrated even bigger and grander.

Every last dollar I had always spent on a dozen roses or bringing back her favorite meal on my way home. I was plagued with guilt over whether or not to send a
card... a gift... flowers... something! My heart was exploding. I missed her, and I couldn’t imagine the thought of her sitting alone drinking herself to oblivion on that special day. I came here to express my sadness, my guilt, my confusion.

I cried endlessly that day and basically had to tie my hands behind my back... but I didn’t send a card or a gift. It was probably the best decision I could have made. Why?

It took much time and reflection but I learned, that for me... all my gifts to her did have hidden symbolism that I wasn’t even aware of. For I had hoped that she’d see my efforts and love — and want to change, to be better... to somehow see all my efforts as a loving boyfriend and then, magically stop drinking as a gift back to me. My intentions were good... and out of love but also out of sadness. Every bow was a small plea,
every wrapped gift a little tug to say... “See how much I love you!!! Why can’t you change!!? Why can’t you love yourself as much as I love you!”

I had so many suggestions from everyone here. One of the best being: pay it forward. My ex always helped the homeless — so that’s what I did. I spent the day outside, walking in the sunshine... and bringing food to a group of homeless men nearby. That helped bring me comfort and some resolution.

The thing is... addiction just sucks. Loving an addict... just sucks bad! Endings don’t bring closure because addicts (or us/codependents) don’t particularly adhere to solid boundaries. You see, sending a letter... even if short and sweet, isn’t really going to help. Well, at least in my experience. And if anything, it has the opposite effect... and keeps your relationship door cracked just a tiny bit open. And sadly that little crack can be kicked wide open far too easily. It leaves you in a lingering state... mentally thinking about him/her reading your letter... etc etc

Yes, the addict you love may very well be alone drinking during the holidays. But that’s their choice. Just like it’s your choice to be alone, or with others. It is very sad — but a gift... a letter... a dozen roses... won’t miraculously change their actions or decisions. It’s more about your expectations and “hope” for what is likely to never be.