holidays are approaching and my heart is sinking

Old 11-23-2019, 10:21 AM
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holidays are approaching and my heart is sinking

Hi, I am trying to do NC now with my XF. Which is fresh as we spoke even two weeks ago app. But those talks hurt i figyred, as nothing is suggested along the lines of any proper solution, so Im trying to fully detach now.

But holidays are approaching, so not sure whether to send a greeting card even. Anyone has the same dilemma? Also, I am remembering last years how we had celebrated together with families and friends and it just pains me once again.

Also, I feel guilty if I dont send anything, Even after everything he has put me through. I guess its because I know he is a sick man, so I fluctuate from anger to extreme compassion. We also said we will remain 'friends' (whatever that mights mean), so.....

Would you care about things like communicating around holidays or some other special occasions when otherwise doing NC? I know it might be a silly question, but Im not sure what would be right in that sense.

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Old 11-23-2019, 10:54 AM
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This song has helped many times in empowering me, shifting my focus and knowing many others have dealt with this.

It ain't me. Kygo and Selena Gomez

https://youtu.be/D5drYkLiLI8

One day at a time, more is revealed. If you decide to buy a gift, perhaps it'll wind up with good thoughts and prayers going with it to an unknown home in a donation box. Weird, good things can happen with recovery actions.

There are no mistakes. We get to be human and feel all our emotions.
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Old 11-23-2019, 11:31 AM
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To me, no contact is no contact, and usually done for specific reasons, and something that I have found I needed to be black/ white about with certain people in my own life. Especially if there’s a history of it being a slippery slope, and having something like that open pandora’s box up all over again. However, if you say you’re still in communication, and trying to be friends, then that to me sounds like attempting limited contact? Time will tell whether that’s something you can do or not, or it’s just going to keep pulling you back in and keeping you in it, if even just mentally.

You can also see what he does, and respond in kind if you get a card from him. That’s another thing, there’s also the possibility of sending a card or communicating holiday wishes, and getting no response from his end, which might upset you all over again. I don’t know,, but I think it’s a good thing to bring up, very common for people to wonder about that (holidays, birthdays)..
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Old 11-23-2019, 11:34 AM
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Sigh . . . yep Fionna, the holidays can be tough. In many ways what you do as far as a card or not doesn't really matter. What does matter is your detachment. Doing the right thing with an addict is so different from doing the right thing with a normal person.

Maybe send him a card and donate to your local AA or Alanon group . . . .just spitballing here.
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Old 11-23-2019, 11:38 AM
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I got some good advice around this that helped me tremendously. Someone asked me, "what is your motivation?".
I realized that I was still hoping that my action would cause a positive reaction from the alcoholic in my life, and I decided that wasn't a good reason to act. I am going to make an anonymous donation in his honor, and I feel good about that.
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Old 11-23-2019, 11:58 AM
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I understand your indecision, but I agree with pdm22 that no contact means no contact in any way.

However, the witch in me would make that donation to AA, and tell him that at the bottom of an innocuous card.
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Old 11-23-2019, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by seekingcalm View Post
I got some good advice around this that helped me tremendously. Someone asked me, "what is your motivation?".
I realized that I was still hoping that my action would cause a positive reaction from the alcoholic in my life, and I decided that wasn't a good reason to act. I am going to make an anonymous donation in his honor, and I feel good about that.
That is a really good point Seeking.

I'm thinking how I'm always trying to be constructive and do good in life and balancing that with detaching from people and their choices. It is a bit of a dilemma.
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Old 11-23-2019, 01:38 PM
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I remember, like it was yesterday... coming to this forum... my eyes filled with tears as my heart was completely broken. I had just left my XAGF, went completely NC and her birthday was right around the corner. I was always a big gift-giver, but for her... I always had celebrated even bigger and grander.

Every last dollar I had always spent on a dozen roses or bringing back her favorite meal on my way home. I was plagued with guilt over whether or not to send a
card... a gift... flowers... something! My heart was exploding. I missed her, and I couldn’t imagine the thought of her sitting alone drinking herself to oblivion on that special day. I came here to express my sadness, my guilt, my confusion.

I cried endlessly that day and basically had to tie my hands behind my back... but I didn’t send a card or a gift. It was probably the best decision I could have made. Why?

It took much time and reflection but I learned, that for me... all my gifts to her did have hidden symbolism that I wasn’t even aware of. For I had hoped that she’d see my efforts and love — and want to change, to be better... to somehow see all my efforts as a loving boyfriend and then, magically stop drinking as a gift back to me. My intentions were good... and out of love but also out of sadness. Every bow was a small plea,
every wrapped gift a little tug to say... “See how much I love you!!! Why can’t you change!!? Why can’t you love yourself as much as I love you!”

I had so many suggestions from everyone here. One of the best being: pay it forward. My ex always helped the homeless — so that’s what I did. I spent the day outside, walking in the sunshine... and bringing food to a group of homeless men nearby. That helped bring me comfort and some resolution.

The thing is... addiction just sucks. Loving an addict... just sucks bad! Endings don’t bring closure because addicts (or us/codependents) don’t particularly adhere to solid boundaries. You see, sending a letter... even if short and sweet, isn’t really going to help. Well, at least in my experience. And if anything, it has the opposite effect... and keeps your relationship door cracked just a tiny bit open. And sadly that little crack can be kicked wide open far too easily. It leaves you in a lingering state... mentally thinking about him/her reading your letter... etc etc

Yes, the addict you love may very well be alone drinking during the holidays. But that’s their choice. Just like it’s your choice to be alone, or with others. It is very sad — but a gift... a letter... a dozen roses... won’t miraculously change their actions or decisions. It’s more about your expectations and “hope” for what is likely to never be.





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Old 11-23-2019, 01:44 PM
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Fionna…...I agree to do what you feel like you can handle---that matches up with what feels right, to you. And, be aware that the consequences, whatever they will be...is just what you must accept.....

About holidays...during the first year after my most painful breakup of my life....the holidays were the most weird feeling times....The first 6 months was free-bleeding grief.....and, after the grief died down, to a great degree....the major holidays were still weird feeling. On a couple of the hoidays, that year...a simple well wishing phone call was exchanged.....

After that first year....it changed. I think there is something magical about the year mark. After a year, it becomes more of PAST history...rather than present history, that you are still engaged in.

Of course, my breakup was not with an alcoholic....but about other painful choices. And, there was a definite fact that we would never get back together, again.....
he had moved to another city...and, though we were not "no contact whatsoever".....there were a few instances of limited communication, in the first year apart....
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Old 11-23-2019, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe View Post
Hi, I am trying to do NC now with my XF. Which is fresh as we spoke even two weeks ago app. But those talks hurt i figyred, as nothing is suggested along the lines of any proper solution, so Im trying to fully detach now.

But holidays are approaching, so not sure whether to send a greeting card even. Anyone has the same dilemma? Also, I am remembering last years how we had celebrated together with families and friends and it just pains me once again.

Also, I feel guilty if I dont send anything, Even after everything he has put me through. I guess its because I know he is a sick man, so I fluctuate from anger to extreme compassion. We also said we will remain 'friends' (whatever that mights mean), so.....

Would you care about things like communicating around holidays or some other special occasions when otherwise doing NC? I know it might be a silly question, but Im not sure what would be right in that sense.
I really like seekingcalm's suggestion about asking yourself, what is your motivation.

I do this sometimes and then play it forward as well. If I do this - whatever it is, with no expectation that it will be reciprocated (which is actually a mantra of mine) will I be ok with that.

Now, most of the time I just go along doing whatever needs to be done, I don't need to think about it at all.

Where it gets tricky is when there are emotions involved. If you sent me a gift I would be very happy! You would probably be happy you gave me a gift and I was happy (If you want my address just PM me lol).

That's fine but with him, what are your expectations. What if he doesn't send you a card or a gift, will you be hurt by that? What if you don't even receive a thank you? I don't know how friendly you are right now, after no communication for a couple of weeks, is this something that could happen.

If it does - how hurt will you be?

Him reciprocating with a gift may not be an issue, but this act of sending something might make you feel vulnerable.

If it won't hurt you, then either decision is good, go with what you would like to do. If there is a chance of getting hurt, I say don't do it, it's not worth it. That's throwing yourself under the bus and not protecting yourself.
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Old 11-23-2019, 02:26 PM
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Old 11-23-2019, 05:31 PM
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Your insistence in maintaining some relationship reminds me of the old song, "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

His family didn't have to abandon you, just because he told them to. They're free to do whatever they wish, and they wish to pretend you're the problem. It doesn't matter how much you want to stay connected to them, they have the right (however selfish, stupid or misguided) to include or exclude anyone they wish.

No contact means just that:no contact. You want to look like the bigger person by continuing to reach out, go ahead. It seems to hurt your feelings, but no one here can stop you from doing what you want to do.

No former date, bf, or former fiance' ever wanted to continue as 'friends' with me unless 'friend' was code for 'booty call.'
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Old 11-23-2019, 06:45 PM
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Healing

Healing Comes with not dropping brain chmicals created neural pathways by continuing contact.

science is clear... control your thoughts change your brain... your heart is really located in your brain.

the continued contact is just water drip torture in slow motion... it’s like pulling duct tape off your arm one hair at s time... rip it off! Tell the guy no contact for my brains sake! Talk to you in a year.... maybe.

Take a vacation... go to a spa or something off your bucket list... like the song says... Let it Go.
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Old 11-24-2019, 05:59 AM
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i'm curious what you think a folded piece of heavy stock paper with some ink imprinted on it is going to DO for him? or what lack thereof will do?

while my experience is a bit limited, have you ever watched(some of...) your average man "read" a card of any sort? tear open envelope, remove card, shake for any money/checks, glance over words, set aside or put in recycle. that is if they get around to opening it all......

i sense this isn't about a card at all. this is about reaching out, breaking no contact, hoping to get a response. that is why it is crucial to check OUR motives. and expectations.

and do people still send cards? i mean we might get one from hank's mom, but more often from our insurance agent, or the dog's vet.
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Old 11-24-2019, 07:28 AM
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Thanks, you really have some interesting ideas around my reaching out!?

Honestly, in my case though, it is literally because I feel like it would be something nice to do. Not because I wish to go back into the relationship neither attempt to artificially continue with anything. I never believed in forcing anything to begin with.

@velma it was actually the opposite-he was reaching out to me mostly this whole time. I played along as when I learned how deep this disease go, I didn't want to accuse him neither abruptly disengage. As for his family, I don't insist on anything- I am just sad though, as we were all getting along nicely while him and I were together. We also spent lot of the time together too, and I used to help out with their kids when they were on holidays etc etc. SO I thought any of it could perhaps continue, at least on occasion. I never once reached out to them though after the breakup, and specifically out of respect for him. So no sure what else I could do to show my honesty in this situation!??

Last but not leat, I know lo of people who still send cards during holidays. Maybe its an old way of doing things, but not everything that is old is to be tossed away, right!? I also know lot of people (AND men) who would be happy to receive it. My X always was saying how happy he is when he gets something like that from me, and even the last time we saw each other (meeting he himself initiated by the way), I gave him a card that I made myself out of thin foil in combination with some other material- he was thanking me a lot.

So I don't know, I can see everyone being right on something here in their comments. It is complex I suppose though, and so I have to see what is best for everyone.

I think I will keep NC after all therefore. And perhaps donate somewhere else in my Xs honour. That might ease some pain I feel as those holidays are approaching. Thanks for your kind suggestions, I appreciate it!!

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Old 11-24-2019, 07:43 AM
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I think you've made a good call, Fionna.

While sending cards at the holidays is definitely a "nice thing to do" for people, right now, it is okay to prioritize the nice things to do for yourself. It is not selfish to protect yourself, to give yourself time and space to heal, and let go of worrying about what other people think for awhile.
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Old 11-24-2019, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe View Post
It is complex I suppose though, and so I have to see what is best for everyone
That little bear is so cute!

Remember, you don't have to worry too much about what is best for "everyone", I really hope you focus on what is best for you here and going forward.

Everyone else, including your XF are looking after themselves, that is for sure. This is not a bad thing, it's something we are supposed to do. Not in some selfish way (not that you are selfish at all) but in a taking good care of ourselves way.

Your only concern perhaps should be, as I mentioned, will this hurt me possibly. You are at such and early stage here. Its confusing as well since you have been in some contact recently. That does make you more vulnerable.

It's hard. This is not something you want, but it is. It's a struggle. I'm sure one minute you feel angry and the next sad and then indifferent then back to angry, it is its own kind of hell. Indecision about what to do next.

So time to give yourself a break perhaps. Stand back, let those cards fall were they may. More will be revealed as they say.
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Old 11-24-2019, 01:28 PM
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It's a nice thought to donate to a worthy cause. There are groups that aid alcoholics, drug addicts, there's even a group that helps children of prisoners. Even your local animal shelter would appreciate a donation.

Peace to you, hon.
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Old 11-25-2019, 08:35 AM
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I say this gently. No contact means, no contact. None. Zero.

It's the best way for everyone to move on. Create new, happy memories to replace the painful ones.

Big hugs.
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Old 11-25-2019, 09:32 AM
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FionnaPerSe,

The Holidays can be a tough time for those that just recently broke up with someone. Even harder if they were an alcoholic. It's suppose to be a happy time. Spending it with you loved one. With a normal breakup there might be a chance that you could send a present or a card and it be a mutual friend type arrangement. But you are dealing with alcoholic. They have crossed a boundary that you have set up. (your drinking to much you need help) Until they admit and get help for their disease it will only get worse. The longer you keep in contact with them the longer it will take for you to move on. I'm glad you have decided to go no contact and possible donate something in your X's honor.

Even in this digital age, I still send out Christmas cards to almost everyone in my address book. I believe Christmas is a time of forgiving and making peace and spreading Joy. Why I can't say I have to many enemies. There are several people that the only time I hear from them is a card around Christmas. I look forward to receiving those cards. If I don't receive a card I'm not mortified by it. I just know that I sent them a card and hopefully that brought them a little happiness if only for a few minutes. I'm all about the little things and a Christmas card is one of those little things.

Keep the focus on healing yourself. Keep being the strong princess I have called you. You will get though this. Have a beautiful day.
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