I mentioned my XAHs recent DUI, and the fact he was to get overnight visits with our 4 year old once he hits 6 months of sobriety. I didn’t say anything for weeks, in part enjoying that I knew he was lying when he didn’t know the extent of what information I have, because for once he wasn’t in a position to craft his story specifically to try to contradict or work around whatever information he knew I had. Maybe not enjoying, but not feeling at all manipulated by any garbage he was saying. I was also waiting because I wanted to see if he was going to straight up tell me he had six months of sobriety when I knew it wasn’t true. Last week I decided to just write him a letter explaining that I wasn’t letting him have overnights back and why, and I had it printed to mail today, and last night he brought up the overnights.

He tells me about his plans for Thanksgiving and asks if he can have her overnight on Christmas, which is about when 6 months would hit from the first order. So I said well we’re going to need to talk about that. Are you telling me you’ve been sober? He says he’s complied with the order perfectly. I said, “the order says you have to be sober for six months. I know you haven’t been. I know about the DUI.”

For half a second he looks like I have punched him in the face. And then he tells me he didn’t realize the order required him to actually be sober for six months, just that he had to be sober with his kid. And then he says that the DUI “is being challenged” was invalid. He says the DMV has already given him back his license. I said, “I don’t care whether you’re convicted or not, you told the cops that the reason you were drunk was because you were drinking vodka out of your backpack after the accident. So even if you weren’t drunk in the accident, I have the police report where are you told the cops you were drunk. So even if I assume you never had another drink, you’re still not going to have six months sober until April”. I told him he’s going to need to tell me what his sobriety date is, and when he’s going to hit six months, I want him to be tested three times a day on sober link for six weeks leading up to getting overnights back, and then for the six weeks after the overnight start. And after that we can go back to just testing before during and after his time with her. he’s getting teary and telling me he wants to talk to me about it, and I said, I wrote you a letter it’s very clear. He wouldn’t take it from me. But he seem like he was going to agree to the testing.

But he was already talking like the date would be six months from the date of the DUI, which is pretty unbelievable if his story is that he didn’t realize he was supposed to be sober, and yet he just magically got sober the day after his “undeserved” DUI? This whole thing of figuring out exactly what information I have, and then back in the lie up to the first second I can’t prove he’s lying is so tiresome.

But the reality is, whatever date he decides to pretend as his sobriety date, it will be a lie. Passing a breathalyzer three times a day for six weeks is a pretty high bar weather that happens four months from now or six. And given that he has consistently made terrible choices that have made it pretty straightforward for me to protect the kid, I feel like I will take my reprieve until the spring, and just see what else happens between now and then.

But clearly, he has convinced himself that drinking isn’t a death sentence for him, if he has completely admitted to me that he isn’t even trying not to drink. And I just have to hope he runs his own clock out before he can manage to get our kid in danger.

he’s going to have some elaborate story when he picks her up before his daytime visit tomorrow, and I’m going to hand him the letter and tell him we aren’t having a conversation about it because all he does is lie or call me names, and he can respond in writing, he can have his lawyer call me, or we can talk about it in court. One good thing of this conversation starting in person is that a deprived him of the opportunity to digest the letter and then come up with a story about why I am a terrible person that he could spit at me. He can try it now, but he’s already admitted he’s been drinking, and already halfway agreed to the testing
schedule I set out.

One last thing, he grumbled during our conversation and he doesn’t even know why I was contacted about this. Clearly upset that he didn’t manage to hide it from me. Does he not know what a police blotter is? It’s not like the CHP called me and said hey, your ex husband is still an *******. It was literally in the newspaper.