Yeah, fini, not only was hope not to be trusted, but trust was not to be trusted! I'm making minute advances in both areas, but perhaps so tiny that it wouldn't be discernible to the naked eye. Progress not perfection and all that.
I had off from IOP last night, so was able to go to my home group. As I was approaching the entrance, I noticed a woman from IOP outside smoking! She doesn't live in the area, but a friend of hers had gotten out of detox that afternoon, so she came along with him to this meeting. Small world.
In group, this young woman is very reserved, but she really poured it out as we stood on the porch in the cold. She talked about how her other attempts at sobriety were not genuine, how she's really trying this time and it's
so hard. She pointed out that we're the only women in IOP right now and it's kind of a bummer because she would really like to make some good connections. So I told her I could be her woman.
The topic of the meeting was Trying the Steps. I'm glad on many levels that I went.
I told Daniel yesterday that I'd set another boundary with eldest. She'd told me over the weekend that she hadn't eaten for a week. Naturally, I spoke motherly words to her and she eventually did make a meal with a friend. The next day she texted that her heartbeat was irregular - very low when at rest, then jumping to 136 when she stood up. Did I think it was symptomatic of POTS? I responded, "No way of knowing without seeing a doctor. Go to urgent care to get checked out." Just a few minutes later I called her. No answer. I tried again a couple of times, then forced myself to let go. Pictures of a dead young woman tried to make their way into my consciousness and I forced them away as highly unlikely. When she called 5 o 6 hours later, I told her it was very inconsiderate to text me and then not answer the phone - and not to do it again. An hour or so after that brief conversation, she texted again to say, "You're right. I need to take care of myself and I'm going to do that. But it's no fun." I know
So Daniel asked me how I felt about all of that. I told him I'd accepted that I'm completely powerless in this situation. When he asked me how I felt about
that, I said "good!" He was very surprised. After thinking about it for a moment said, "I was trying to think of how it would feel to be the mom in that situation, and I guess I was expecting you to say how difficult it was." But you know, I've been worrying about this girl with increasing intensity since she was 13. It hasn't helped anything and the manifestation was definitely counterproductive at times. Maybe that's not how a mom is "supposed" to feel. It's certainly not the cultural expectation. I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that.
Physically: This is gross, so avert your eyes if you're squeamish. I have scabs on my upper back from when I was constantly itchy. I keep pulling them off and it's getting sore. That's the worst of my physical trouble at the moment and it's not visible but it's a constant reminder of something being not right. Which we know it isn't. Perhaps I can reframe the scars symbolically and put some effort into healing them.
Mentally: In a good place. Ok with letting go of those extra work duties and eager to do so. Satisfied that bills are paid and my schedule is set for the week.
Emotionally: Content with where I am right this moment.