I don't think you want to drink...it does not sound like you WANT to drink...it sounds like you don't know how to cope otherwise....I'm sorry...I'm almost the same...I used alcohol to cope with everything my whole life....and it doesn't work anymore.
However, I have not thought of myself better dead..that must be a really tough mindset to shake...and if I had that mindset I would probably drink myself to death because I know of no other way to kill myself...that I could handle.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way and have no hope...I hope something changes in your life for you to get a slight ray of sunshine that keeps you going until you find other ways to cope.
