Hawk, I think you draw beautiful emotive pictures with words. I think crying can be restorative. I think it's so good that feeling is returning to you and that you are smart enough to know that includes the whole package not just the good stuff.
Originally Posted by
dwtbd 
I know how to quit booze, put it down and walk away and there on in not fight any want just ignore it , yeah ? Easy-peasy
Everything else? Who really knows , right ? With that disclaimer..
Being right is an extremely good thing, but even that can get 'lost' or just not factor into all situations. I always want to be right, I like knowing I'm the 'rightest', lately though I've come to notice very few others care about my rightness , usually they only care if I miss the mark .
We live and work in 'systems' that pay a lot of lipservice to 'rightness' but would just rather roll along regardless.
My gut tells me ,without specifics needed, that I'm right to assume O knows where of she speaks. How important in this 'system' is it for you to be right ? Keeping in mind that competence and performance may not line up with being right.
Being right is different in my mind than thinking right. I too love to be right, as in "correct, accurate, discerning of the truth of a situation." You're right, broster, systems are distressingly human. Reflective of complacency, fallibility and self-centeredness (among other things). I smiled when I read your post yesterday, as I'd just had a conversation with my boss about my place in our little world. It's become clear to me that the quasi-manager part I play in the organization, while appreciated by many individuals, is not valued by the system. She's been gently urging me for some months now to do more analyst work, something I haven't done much of for many years. I know that where I provide the most value is not in doing this work (though I'm sure I can do it) but in broader organizational skills. But I work for her team and while those leadership attributes are admirable skills, the "system" work I've been doing doesn't add anything specifically to the work for which her team is responsible. I'm not quite sure how to describe her reaction to all of this. Reading between the lines, I think it was "I'm sorry because I know this isn't in the best interest of your career progression but yes, you're spot on." And so I asked her if we could meet with our director to make sure he's on board with me letting go of these extracurricular activities he got me involved in. I think we'll be doing that today.
IOP was good. I spoke during check-in about struggling with how to "call BS" on other people in group. When the counselor responded, "maybe that's something we can practice in second hour," I said, "I don't have issues with any of the people here tonight," and the group laughed. That was affirming - I felt understood. During the second hour, one of the guys talked about an interchange he'd had with his therapist. Therapist said, "Given all of the horror you've gone through this year, do you think you'll ever use again?" Guy was chagrined that he didn't respond "no" without pause. The reaction of the group was pretty strong - Guy wasn't coming short of any mark he should be reaching; fact is that he's an addict. He was visibly relieved by our reactions. That was a very good moment.
I got to experience acupuncture/meditation during the third hour. 40 minutes is much longer than I've ever gone before, so it was a challenge but I made it through at least 30. Acupuncturist asked me afterward how it was and I said "sweaty." She said that the theory is that this is the body releasing anxiety or stress. Or maybe it's just that it was hot outside today.
Alright I'm off to start my work day. Thanks for listening and for being on my side.