Thank you for your message newhope (for the whole thread; as I said it is very useful to me). And thanks Hawkeye for the insight. The example of the roses is very good.
My children are older Newhope. Almost 13 and 15. Don't stay only because you have a young child. It will not get easier. The ties you build with a partner become stronger with time. The excuses to stay too. I know telling you this is like telling an alcoholic that drinking is bad and alcoholism progressive. They know it, but they aren't able to act on it.
You have found clarity. Now find an objective. Your preferred objective. And try to work towards it. Don't postpone. It becomes harder. Make yourself a little plan. I am telling you all this while I have postponed my own decision for 1 year (minus the almost 3 of sobriety I've got). But I am using this time to figure out what I want too. Call it selfishness. I can never be as selfish as I have been drinking. All for my immediate reward at any price. To avoid suffering. To avoid the challenge.
I have made myself the promise not to avoid a challenge that matters again. Never again. Who you live with, what kind of role model as parent/as couple/as woman and as a man you give your child, is worth the challenge of taking this into your own hands. You can make mistakes as long as you own them. I will not stay longer for my kids, or for the finances. I will stay if I think it is the right decision for me. And accept the good and the bad that comes from it.
Therapy is not an option. We tried at my husband's initiative. He withdrew at the first hurdle. Something about his childhood he did not want to discuss came up and he decided he was not wasting more time. At the end, we were not worth that pain for him.