Marital Problems
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Marital Problems
I've been struggling with some serious depression right now, which I am sure is self-inflicted.
Last weekend, I relapsed and my husband found my alcohol. He picked up the chicken I was defrosting for dinner and threw it across the room. He then demanded a divorce and onslaught of insults ensued. He then left the house.
After a few hours, I tried calling him and he put the call to voicemail. He then proceeded to text me of which he called me a "worthless wife" and he wished he "never married me." He then went to Disneyland with my brother as he felt my husband deserved a weekend getaway for having to "deal with [me]." When my husband came home that same night he was chipper and we made peace before he left for Disneyland.
Now I know being alcoholic places me always to blame by default, but I just can't shake how deeply it hurt me that he called me a "worthless wife." Combined with my shame of relapsing and his comments, I just can't seem to function properly. I have class tomorrow but I can't will myself to complete the necessary assignments and have already used up four of my five absences before I am dropped.
I want to drop the class and take it again when it is offered this November, but I fear my husband will get upset again and I just can't handle anymore insults. I just want to protect my academic record and wait till I am ready to take the class.
I guess I don't know what I am expecting from this post, but I guess I just needed to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk too.
Last weekend, I relapsed and my husband found my alcohol. He picked up the chicken I was defrosting for dinner and threw it across the room. He then demanded a divorce and onslaught of insults ensued. He then left the house.
After a few hours, I tried calling him and he put the call to voicemail. He then proceeded to text me of which he called me a "worthless wife" and he wished he "never married me." He then went to Disneyland with my brother as he felt my husband deserved a weekend getaway for having to "deal with [me]." When my husband came home that same night he was chipper and we made peace before he left for Disneyland.
Now I know being alcoholic places me always to blame by default, but I just can't shake how deeply it hurt me that he called me a "worthless wife." Combined with my shame of relapsing and his comments, I just can't seem to function properly. I have class tomorrow but I can't will myself to complete the necessary assignments and have already used up four of my five absences before I am dropped.
I want to drop the class and take it again when it is offered this November, but I fear my husband will get upset again and I just can't handle anymore insults. I just want to protect my academic record and wait till I am ready to take the class.
I guess I don't know what I am expecting from this post, but I guess I just needed to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk too.
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As long as you've been struggling with getting sober, your husband has been struggling too...with your drinking. I'm not trying to excuse how he handled it, I'm sure it's devastating to hear the things he said.
But I also know how difficult it was for me to put myself in the shoes of the person or persons affected by my drugging and drinking--until I got sober.
You titled your post "Marital Problems." But the root of the problem seems to be a drinking problem. A problem with a solution, but one you struggle with. Why do you suppose that solution has be so elusive?
But I also know how difficult it was for me to put myself in the shoes of the person or persons affected by my drugging and drinking--until I got sober.
You titled your post "Marital Problems." But the root of the problem seems to be a drinking problem. A problem with a solution, but one you struggle with. Why do you suppose that solution has be so elusive?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
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I have been there, my husband was forever telling me or saying this that or the other because of my drinking, and hey who can blame them, if the boot was on the other foot I would probably say things as well, we are only human with human reactions, when you get sober and stronger watch how everything turns around and believe me it does, if I were you think positive that you will stop drinking and continue with your class, wishing you the best
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
words can wound, behaviour can be controlled, drinking can stop, guilt, anxiety, fear, self-pity are all feelings that pass.
You are in an emotionally difficult situation, only worsened by drinking.
Difficult feelings on all sides where drinking hinders honest communication.
You are in an emotionally difficult situation, only worsened by drinking.
Difficult feelings on all sides where drinking hinders honest communication.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
thats a tough one. See i dont think non alcholics really realize that calling us something like a "worthless wife" is like just confirmation of exactly how we feel about ourselves and what drives us to drink and what is making it so hard to climb out of the hole we are in and keep us out of it. In my case i'm my own worst enemy and my own worst critic hearing it from someone is like just the push over the edge i dont need. But they dont understand this and I cant expect them to understand it. and it can stink too when we are in the wrong as is etc.. its like we got no legs to stand on.
But staying sober helps build the confidence and gives you some legs to stand on so that nexttime your called worthless you can say hey look i've done this that and the other thing i'm trying here be nice etc..
Its hard tho that sorta things stings words can really hurt.
I had someone tell me that they'd take care of my kids when i finally got lung cancer from smoking and died. So later when i was depressed thinkign about doing myself in i thought whats it matter that persons gonna take care of my kids one way or another and prolly do a better job too even. It was like the thought that almost pushed me over the edge. This person has no idea how much those words stung. but nothing i can do but try and move forward.
hang in there!
But staying sober helps build the confidence and gives you some legs to stand on so that nexttime your called worthless you can say hey look i've done this that and the other thing i'm trying here be nice etc..
Its hard tho that sorta things stings words can really hurt.
I had someone tell me that they'd take care of my kids when i finally got lung cancer from smoking and died. So later when i was depressed thinkign about doing myself in i thought whats it matter that persons gonna take care of my kids one way or another and prolly do a better job too even. It was like the thought that almost pushed me over the edge. This person has no idea how much those words stung. but nothing i can do but try and move forward.
hang in there!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
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No excuse for throwing things but "hurt people hurt people"
It's been a very difficult thing for me to realise but my drinking did not just hurt me.
Hopefully you can have a talk and mull over your ideas on school etc.
GL,
Jules
It's been a very difficult thing for me to realise but my drinking did not just hurt me.
Hopefully you can have a talk and mull over your ideas on school etc.
GL,
Jules
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Like I said, because of my alcoholism, by default I'm always wrong. I'm not ignoring that fact. But as I sit here sober with no desire to drink, I just can't help but feel sad and alone. Maybe it is just self-pity and I deserved what happened but right now all I feel is pain.
And if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't call him worthless or throw food across the room. I never judged folks in my position as when you see someone who is genuinely trying to get and stay sober, its hard to put them down. I never understood why people make fun of AA and its members; Even before I became a member myself.
I can't focus long enough to read a paragraph in order to complete my class assignment so I will only be setting myself up for failure at this point.
Maybe I should give him an "out" so ha can be happy.
And if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't call him worthless or throw food across the room. I never judged folks in my position as when you see someone who is genuinely trying to get and stay sober, its hard to put them down. I never understood why people make fun of AA and its members; Even before I became a member myself.
I can't focus long enough to read a paragraph in order to complete my class assignment so I will only be setting myself up for failure at this point.
Maybe I should give him an "out" so ha can be happy.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I don't see any call for your husband to insult you. That's verbal abuse to me. I don't care how much of a drunk you've been. There simply isn't any call for that. Boot his a** to the curb and give yourself some space to work on your recovery. Maybe he can work on his anger issues.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
IMO that is over the line. When I was still drinking I let a lot of things slide because I didn't want to be one of those people that gets drunk at fights. Him calling you worthless and saying he wished you never married is abusive to me. That said, as long as your safe it might be better to worry about you first and getting you well. Your recovery has to be the top priority. Deal with the rest after you get some time under your belt. Thats what I did YMMV.
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Maybe I am too focused on making him happy and poorly judging myself. Rather I should be staying focused on my sobriety and let the rest fall away.
I called my school about dropping the class and my husband thinks its a good idea. I'm still on the fence though.. I was able to complete the assignment, but I still only have one absence left before the end which is in November. It hasn't even been a full month yet since I enrolled in the class
I called my school about dropping the class and my husband thinks its a good idea. I'm still on the fence though.. I was able to complete the assignment, but I still only have one absence left before the end which is in November. It hasn't even been a full month yet since I enrolled in the class
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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New Hope,
I think I answered that post a little too much in my own head as it pertains to my situation and what I am realizing about my now defunct relationship. I'm sorry.
IMO no one deserves nor should anyone tolerate behaviour like that. What he said was terrible. What I meant on my own head before and certainly did not articulate was that he probably lashed out verbally bc he's hurting. I know I've said things in anger, and then also black out drunk...it's not right, it's human nature.
It seems you had a talk about school. That's good. You have to decide what feels right and healthy for you. I'm sorry I was so self absorbed in my answer earlier. Typical alcoholic! 😉
Take gentle care of you!
Jules
I think I answered that post a little too much in my own head as it pertains to my situation and what I am realizing about my now defunct relationship. I'm sorry.
IMO no one deserves nor should anyone tolerate behaviour like that. What he said was terrible. What I meant on my own head before and certainly did not articulate was that he probably lashed out verbally bc he's hurting. I know I've said things in anger, and then also black out drunk...it's not right, it's human nature.
It seems you had a talk about school. That's good. You have to decide what feels right and healthy for you. I'm sorry I was so self absorbed in my answer earlier. Typical alcoholic! 😉
Take gentle care of you!
Jules
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Originally Posted by newhope01 
Maybe I am too focused on making him happy and poorly judging myself. Rather I should be staying focused on my sobriety and let the rest fall away.
I called my school about dropping the class and my husband thinks its a good idea. I'm still on the fence though.. I was able to complete the assignment, but I still only have one absence left before the end which is in November. It hasn't even been a full month yet since I enrolled in the class
I called my school about dropping the class and my husband thinks its a good idea. I'm still on the fence though.. I was able to complete the assignment, but I still only have one absence left before the end which is in November. It hasn't even been a full month yet since I enrolled in the class
You used the word blame and fault so I wanted to pass this along to you.
https://vimeo.com/118479328
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Yeah throwing stuff and storming out etc.. and the name calling if this is common in your relationship I'd really lean towards the abuse responses too. It is pretty out of line and because one person screws up doesn't give home a license to bay even that way. But people get mad etc.. I dunno an apology for going so overboard and behaving like that I don't think is too much to ask.
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@Jules
Don't think you were being self-absorbed. Your response was what I anticipated that's why I said, I didn't know what I was hoping to gain by making this post. I greatly appreciate your input as it helped me to think about all angles of my situation. I know I put myself there, its just, he once stated in a therapy session that he would purposefully say things he knew would hurt me... I know he does it on purpose and that makes me sad. I guess he got the results he wanted... its just this time, I'm not sure if I can just move on.
Btw, you couldn't be that self-absorbed if you took the time out of your day to share your input. The fact that you are on this site trying to help others proves you to be less than self-absorbed and instead very caring; I bet you are a kind person.
Don't think you were being self-absorbed. Your response was what I anticipated that's why I said, I didn't know what I was hoping to gain by making this post. I greatly appreciate your input as it helped me to think about all angles of my situation. I know I put myself there, its just, he once stated in a therapy session that he would purposefully say things he knew would hurt me... I know he does it on purpose and that makes me sad. I guess he got the results he wanted... its just this time, I'm not sure if I can just move on.
Btw, you couldn't be that self-absorbed if you took the time out of your day to share your input. The fact that you are on this site trying to help others proves you to be less than self-absorbed and instead very caring; I bet you are a kind person.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Aww...that was very sweet. Thanks!!
IMO if he shared that in therapy then that's a twist. I've always said if one is aware of the things they do that are unsavoury and make no strides to ever change, one is, well, not very bright. If he's purposefully being mean and it wasn't a slip of the tongue then that's in need of addressing.
That said, if I were in your position I wouldn't run from the relationship instantly. Breaking up is hard to do. Especially sober. I am currently going through it and I am surviving but it's a messy experience. You have every reason to prioritize yourself here. #1 sobriety and then everything else. It is my understanding that that is the key to staying sober. Nothing else comes before it. That's what I'm going with and I'm no old timer (36 days) but I have heard/read a good deal (just was slow to apply) His behaviour was poor. But I don't get the sense that he's physically hurting you nor continuously berating you, correct? If he is, then get out for sure...but if not, perhaps with some work on everyone's part it can heal. None of us are perfect and marriage is really hard work. Hopefully it turns out to be worth it. If not, you'll have a definite answer.
Not much we girls can't handle when sober. I keep reminding myself that. Proving helpful.
Thanks for responding.
Jules
IMO if he shared that in therapy then that's a twist. I've always said if one is aware of the things they do that are unsavoury and make no strides to ever change, one is, well, not very bright. If he's purposefully being mean and it wasn't a slip of the tongue then that's in need of addressing.
That said, if I were in your position I wouldn't run from the relationship instantly. Breaking up is hard to do. Especially sober. I am currently going through it and I am surviving but it's a messy experience. You have every reason to prioritize yourself here. #1 sobriety and then everything else. It is my understanding that that is the key to staying sober. Nothing else comes before it. That's what I'm going with and I'm no old timer (36 days) but I have heard/read a good deal (just was slow to apply) His behaviour was poor. But I don't get the sense that he's physically hurting you nor continuously berating you, correct? If he is, then get out for sure...but if not, perhaps with some work on everyone's part it can heal. None of us are perfect and marriage is really hard work. Hopefully it turns out to be worth it. If not, you'll have a definite answer.
Not much we girls can't handle when sober. I keep reminding myself that. Proving helpful.
Thanks for responding.
Jules
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My husband is coming home soon from a hard day's of work. I plan to fix dinner but I'm still sad to see him.
Not because I'm mad at him but I am unsure of what awaits me when comes home. Will he be happy with all I did today? Or will he be mad at me for putting off school? I know he said it was okay, but I still have my worries.
It should be fine, I'm exaggerating the situation.
Not because I'm mad at him but I am unsure of what awaits me when comes home. Will he be happy with all I did today? Or will he be mad at me for putting off school? I know he said it was okay, but I still have my worries.
It should be fine, I'm exaggerating the situation.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by newhope01
My husband is coming home soon from a hard day's of work. I plan to fix dinner but I'm still sad to see him.
Not because I'm mad at him but I am unsure of what awaits me when comes home. Will he be happy with all I did today? Or will he be mad at me for putting off school? I know he said it was okay, but I still have my worries.
It should be fine, I'm exaggerating the situation.
Not because I'm mad at him but I am unsure of what awaits me when comes home. Will he be happy with all I did today? Or will he be mad at me for putting off school? I know he said it was okay, but I still have my worries.
It should be fine, I'm exaggerating the situation.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Often times we think that our alcoholism is self contained, but it also hurts those closest to us just as much, if not more than ourselves.
I'm assuming the alcoholism has been going on for quite a while with many failed promises to stop. Granted his outburst was uncalled for, though it is a reflection of how much alcoholism brings hell to spouses as well.
I would really put everything into your sobriety, go to AA every day, maybe numerous times a day, start seeing a therapist for your depression issues, rehab may also be in order.
I'm assuming the alcoholism has been going on for quite a while with many failed promises to stop. Granted his outburst was uncalled for, though it is a reflection of how much alcoholism brings hell to spouses as well.
I would really put everything into your sobriety, go to AA every day, maybe numerous times a day, start seeing a therapist for your depression issues, rehab may also be in order.
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