Deaths Door
So I had a couple months sober and relapsed about 2 weeks ago...have 9 days sober today....And I realized that I'm going to DIE...period....
I was coming in before to SR and trying to help others...and myself and having good days and posting them....and having struggles and posting them...and it helped at the time...but now I don't want to post....I find what helps me the MOST is just worrying about ME....
As much as I love to and want to...I can't be cheery and presently I can't help others...
What I have been doing the last 9 days that seems to bring me relief and comfort is coming on this site...and reading when someone posts they are on Day 1....Or 3, ……
And that is all I have to remember right now....
How horrible those first days are..those posts always remind me of how close to death every time I am when I am in those early days...and it seems when I read those posts...I feel like I took a tranquillizer and I go back to my everyday social media routine. I can't stay around too long because then I get like I want to answer and get too involved...and hyper and none of that is good for me right now.
I forget too easy what deaths door looks like...I was so close this time that yesterday I went and purchased a burial plot and went to the funeral home and priced the funeral stuff because it IS going to happen if I drink again....I would say there is a 95% chance of it happening....and I hope I don't drink again.....
My sister died from this disease at 51 (last year)….IT CAN happen TO ME...It almost did again 9 days ago.....
I am reading....I am around...I do care for my fellow recovered and recovering alcoholic....I just have to save my life right now....and that is the plan.
I'm scared....but scared enough? NO...because I purchased a burial plot my sick f-ing brain says it wouldn't matter now...if I died because I wouldn't be a burden of cost for them to bury me.....BUT....I don't WANT to DIE......Its really twisted how this alcholism has warped my brain.
And my 2 cents on its a disease? NOPE....Its a coping mechanism...that makes me ILL....and once I'm ILL I may have an illness....but I do not believe that this is a disease...I believe I just didn't ever learn how to cope...as soon as I found alcohol......no need to find other ways to cope...