Deaths Door

Old 09-27-2019, 08:24 PM
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Deaths Door

So I had a couple months sober and relapsed about 2 weeks ago...have 9 days sober today....And I realized that I'm going to DIE...period....

I was coming in before to SR and trying to help others...and myself and having good days and posting them....and having struggles and posting them...and it helped at the time...but now I don't want to post....I find what helps me the MOST is just worrying about ME....

As much as I love to and want to...I can't be cheery and presently I can't help others...

What I have been doing the last 9 days that seems to bring me relief and comfort is coming on this site...and reading when someone posts they are on Day 1....Or 3, ……

And that is all I have to remember right now....

How horrible those first days are..those posts always remind me of how close to death every time I am when I am in those early days...and it seems when I read those posts...I feel like I took a tranquillizer and I go back to my everyday social media routine. I can't stay around too long because then I get like I want to answer and get too involved...and hyper and none of that is good for me right now.

I forget too easy what deaths door looks like...I was so close this time that yesterday I went and purchased a burial plot and went to the funeral home and priced the funeral stuff because it IS going to happen if I drink again....I would say there is a 95% chance of it happening....and I hope I don't drink again.....

My sister died from this disease at 51 (last year)….IT CAN happen TO ME...It almost did again 9 days ago.....

I am reading....I am around...I do care for my fellow recovered and recovering alcoholic....I just have to save my life right now....and that is the plan.

I'm scared....but scared enough? NO...because I purchased a burial plot my sick f-ing brain says it wouldn't matter now...if I died because I wouldn't be a burden of cost for them to bury me.....BUT....I don't WANT to DIE......Its really twisted how this alcholism has warped my brain.

And my 2 cents on its a disease? NOPE....Its a coping mechanism...that makes me ILL....and once I'm ILL I may have an illness....but I do not believe that this is a disease...I believe I just didn't ever learn how to soon as I found need to find other ways to cope...
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Old 09-27-2019, 09:27 PM
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I'm sorry you drank again Missy. You are right that it is life and death.

It doesn't matter what alcoholism is so long as you know what can stop you drinking.

Do whatever you have to to stay sober - this site, AA, some other group, doctor counsellor, some kind of rehab....whatever it takes to save yousrself.

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Old 09-27-2019, 09:35 PM
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Hi Missy,

I’m sorry you are struggling right now, but nine days is much better than zero. Post and read if that’s what is helping you right now, use this site however it best supports your recovery.

That sober time will start to build up again, and once you have some more time you may want to reply to others posts. For now focus on you. Why don’t you join the September 2019 class, and also the October 2019 class once it starts. Also, check in every day in the 24 hour thread, it will help.

You can do this!
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Old 09-27-2019, 09:49 PM
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I know that if I drink again it will also be to death. You sound very rational about this. That is good. I wish you all the best. Do whatever it takes.
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Old 09-27-2019, 10:09 PM
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Missy, alcoholism isn't a disease...that term was invented to take away the judgemental stigma, sounds less harsh than drunkard, alkie, wino, dipsomaniac, etc.

Alcoholism means your body is overwhelmed by ethanol (ethyl alcohol) once and for all, has physically adapted to alcohol on a cellular, systemic level, and we pass the point of no return -- we cannot safely drink.

And, yes, continuing to drink will likely kill you at some point (organ failure usually). That's what happens.

But it doesn't HAVE to happen.

(Now you have my two cents for what it's worth!)
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Old 09-27-2019, 10:32 PM
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Hey Missy

Well done for getting 9 days and reclaiming your life back.

In AA, Step 12 is "carry the message to other alcoholics" STEP 12. There are 11 steps before that that we take to work on ourselves before that. So it is ok. Just do what YOU have to do for yourself to keep you sober.

For what it is worth, you have really helped this alcoholic today. I have 17 months of sobriety and I was in London yesterday and alcohol was all around and my head was telling me it was ok to drink! I mean, it was really on me and thank God I was with my sister who supports me and for my Higher Power because I felt very close to drinking and posts like yours remind me of the hell I was in 17 months ago so thank you for sharing

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Old 09-28-2019, 01:39 AM
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Hello there sorry you fell off the wagon. For me I know I am sick. And the remedy is sobriety. Just like you nurse a cold to get better . I nurse my sobriety to keep me better. It doesnt have to be overwhelming. All you have to worry about is today. And so far it is working for me. 147 days of nursing. You can get well again. ✌
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Old 09-28-2019, 01:51 AM
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I’ve had that feeling in the past aswell Missy that I just can’t offer anyone support as I needed to concentrate on me. During that period I read posts a lot and the only posts I made were to newcomers to say “Welcome to SR, you are not alone and I understand”. I know when I made my first post the warm welcome I received was a huge turning point in my recovery journey. You don’t have to get too involved in anything, sometimes the most important post we can make to each other is that first one saying “Welcome, we’re glad you found us and we get it” x
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Old 09-28-2019, 02:28 AM
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Hi Missy, yeah I feel the same. Each time I come back I'm horrified how close I was to the devastation. If alcohol poisoning doesn't get you, multiple other things can. There's no point pretending otherwise, sounds like lots of us have used up 8 of our 9 lives. I think I have to incorporate that thinking into my everyday rationalising. And we are lucky in some ways we weren't born into war or utter poverty, there are things worth living for, and the price of drinking is just ridiculous.
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Old 09-28-2019, 03:24 AM
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Hey Missy,
I noticed your absence because your posts were very helpful to me. For instance, you gave me hope that sleeping was getting better after 40 days and I felt I was not driving myself mad when you explained how we kept behaving as if we were drinking. I feel posts from others who are going through the first few days or the same stage I am at, are particularly useful in general. Just reading how they are doing helps me a lot.

But I use it because it is helping me. Even when I intervene in other posters' comments and try to be 'helpful' I am doing it because it is helpful to me to articulate and reflect on the thinking that makes us drink. You decide what works for you or not.

While the comments of those closer to my early sobriety stage resonate more with me, the real hope and drive to stick around comes from all those wonderful people with long-established sober lives.

I cannot see this as a disease either Missy. It brings diseases, and physical alcohol dependence is probably one. You may be right that we drink because we don't know how to cope with anything properly.

Look after yourself and well done on 9 days! My belief (not backed by any science) is that those 2 month must count at least in terms of all the alcohol you did not consume. So you have 9 days + 2 months of experience and better liver to help you forward.
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Old 09-28-2019, 04:15 AM
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Stick to SR and stick to AA. There’s a solution there that works for the most hopeless cases 🙏
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Old 09-30-2019, 11:23 AM
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glad ya made it back.
that disease thing- the big book of AA uses the word once and thats describing a spiritual disease.
the spiritual disease caused me to not learn how to life on lifes terms.
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Old 09-30-2019, 12:39 PM
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Missy, I'm glad you're back and that you recognize that this is a life or death fight, because it is. I hope that you use SR in any way that works for you. Sometimes we can give and sometimes we need to take and it's all good.
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Old 09-30-2019, 12:46 PM
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If you think upping the ante by telling yourself you'll die if you keep drinking will keep you away from a drink...forget it. Didn't work for me, hasn't worked for anyone I know. Alcohol doesn't care about us dying. Upping the stakes doesn't work.

I couldn't stop until I asked for help and followed the suggestions.
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Old 09-30-2019, 12:51 PM
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There are many wonderful caring folks here to lean
on anytime, all the time you need or want to. You never
have to go thru this alone or by yourself.

Continue to learn new healthier ways to remain
sober and the rewards and gifts of a happy, serene,
sober life awaits you.

Sending love, care, understanding and lots of
support your way.
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