I know, and thanks a lot for reminding me @seren! As I sometimes do feel like i possibly wasn't ‘worth’ being chosen in this situation, indeed! But then, i remind myself he is not even choosing here to begin with (like i said), which makes it even worse!?

I guess I am left to keep on praying he will find his health and wellbeing one day! Sincerely! This is all I can do! In the spaces between my own anger and a heartbreak.....

And indeed, it would be better perhaps if I was only half invested in this relationship and with one foot out the door too in a way!? But I was fully present instead. And I wore my heart on a sleeve.

So now, after it all crumbled down with a shocking bang (at least in my own head), I need to get used to the silence of my sole company again. And slowly start picking up the pieces of a lost dream, and in order to have something, anything, left to build on- for myself, in this vast, pretty much lonely Universe, AND for the future too-whichever new definition it might hold for me- that is, once i manage to get the grasp of it in the first place. 😪