I cant get over him!
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Join Date: May 2019
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I cant get over him!
I thought I was already doing fine without him, but last time we saw each other, he said some hurtful things on how he blocked/lost his feelings for me in the meantime (and only a few months before that we were still engaged and he was professing all his love for me etc, by the way!?) And so, I cant help but feel like a fool in this whole situation, betrayed too at the end of the day and like all my visions for our future and years of togetherness and efforts were all in vain and time completely wasted. Will this anger and hurt of a lost dream with this particular person ever go away? And if yes, when will I be ready to move on with my life? How did you cope and how did you find your peace? Thanks for your insights🙌🏻
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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By remembering the awful times. The few “good” times spattered between all the awful times was not how I want to live the rest of my life. The bad finally outweighed any good.
These feelings will pass for you. You have to realize you deserve better.
These feelings will pass for you. You have to realize you deserve better.
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@schne you are so right, I keep on forgetting the bad times- the sensless arguing over stupid things while he is drunk, and draining of the energy I felt for his irresponsible behavior and all time changing moods. Thanks for this reminder
( It is so hard though, as I am perhaps even more angry at myself than him actually, or maybe even at life itself!? Hopelessness is terrible feeling to have and this condition doesnt bring much of anything else, in all fairness.....
( It is so hard though, as I am perhaps even more angry at myself than him actually, or maybe even at life itself!? Hopelessness is terrible feeling to have and this condition doesnt bring much of anything else, in all fairness.....
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"I can't get over him!"
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right. " - Henry Ford
Fionna, I know you are in pain. Believe me. I've been through some horrible breakups in my day. Unfortunately, many people here have...
Please give yourself the grace of time. Time to heal, time to grow, time to get some distance between yourself and this pain. You met with him less than a month ago, right? 4 short weeks.
Time, well, it takes...time. You'll get there. Meanwhile, what helped me during a couple of particularly brutal breakups was distracting myself with books, movies, TV, concerts, walks in the park, etc.
You will heal, believe me, I know
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right. " - Henry Ford
Fionna, I know you are in pain. Believe me. I've been through some horrible breakups in my day. Unfortunately, many people here have...
Please give yourself the grace of time. Time to heal, time to grow, time to get some distance between yourself and this pain. You met with him less than a month ago, right? 4 short weeks.
Time, well, it takes...time. You'll get there. Meanwhile, what helped me during a couple of particularly brutal breakups was distracting myself with books, movies, TV, concerts, walks in the park, etc.
You will heal, believe me, I know
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It really hurts right now, I know. But it will get better.
Try hard to remember that his words are and were meaningless. You were literally dealing with someone who is brain damaged by alcoholism...he might sound like he’s making sense but even a broken clock is right twice a day, yes?
So rehashing his every word for meaning and nuance when there isn’t any of either is just hurting yourself. Please don’t do that.
As for your time being wasted...not really. You’ve learned that you have limits. You’ve learned to stand up for yourself. You’ve learned that your self-respect is more important than being in a ****** relationship.
Those are really, really good things to know.
And not least, the next time some charming addict tries to sweep you off your feet, you’ll kick that to the curb without a second thought.
Hang in there. Every day of no contact heals a little more.
Try hard to remember that his words are and were meaningless. You were literally dealing with someone who is brain damaged by alcoholism...he might sound like he’s making sense but even a broken clock is right twice a day, yes?
So rehashing his every word for meaning and nuance when there isn’t any of either is just hurting yourself. Please don’t do that.
As for your time being wasted...not really. You’ve learned that you have limits. You’ve learned to stand up for yourself. You’ve learned that your self-respect is more important than being in a ****** relationship.
Those are really, really good things to know.
And not least, the next time some charming addict tries to sweep you off your feet, you’ll kick that to the curb without a second thought.
Hang in there. Every day of no contact heals a little more.
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Join Date: May 2019
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You are all so right! I guess he was the only one I was so serious about and was about to marry too, so thats why it sucks so much! As if God made some terrible mockery out of my existence!?? Its true tho, I did learn how to say no to ********-at least that! (even if caused by a brain damage- which i was aware of for some time towards the end of the relationship, so was trying not to judge him and was tolerating instead some things i should have never tolerated alright- regardless of the cause)! 🤷*♀️
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Hi Fionna,
Do you have any in person support?
Maybe something in this thread could be of use: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...non-skill.html (Acting "as if" - Al-anon skill)
Good luck!!
Do you have any in person support?
Maybe something in this thread could be of use: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...non-skill.html (Acting "as if" - Al-anon skill)
Good luck!!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Thank all the gods you didn’t marry him...you dodged a howitzer there.
If you read some of the other threads here you will see how much harder and complicated that would have been.
I promise...there will come a day when you look back and are so thankful this ended when it did.
If you read some of the other threads here you will see how much harder and complicated that would have been.
I promise...there will come a day when you look back and are so thankful this ended when it did.
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I know, everyone here says so, but it doesnt make it easier somehow for me in this moment! As I really trusted him, so that feeling of being betrayed and forgotten all too easily is the worse! And I know, i must be stupid for trusting someone who cant even trust himself in the first place. But still, I wonder how I can ever trust anyone again after this experience!? Btw, I told him things I didnt tell anyone- we were a team, as much as it sounds silly now!?...well... I think I need a 🚬 I feel really bad today and depressed beyond belief! 🤦*♀️Thanks for the link above, btw! Ill check it out right away!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Fionna. Try to hang in. Not trying to diminish what you are going through. It is terrible to feel that way. I have hung in way too long with my AH. I have to move on without him. And it is heartbreaking beyond words. But i keep trying to remember that the only one i can save is myself! I am almost 52 and I cannot allow myself to spend the rest if my life like this. I deserve better. And you do too. Hugs.
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I lied to majority of others about him because I didnt want to Share info about his problem to protect him in a sense! And made myself look silly with that, as people keep asking me why etc and I need to make up some stories and feel like a failure! Its all ******** at the end ot the day.
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Originally Posted by Mango212 
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
@schne you are so right, I keep on forgetting the bad times- the sensless arguing over stupid things while he is drunk, and draining of the energy I felt for his irresponsible behavior and all time changing moods. Thanks for this reminder( It is so hard though, as I am perhaps even more angry at myself than him actually, or maybe even at life itself!? Hopelessness is terrible feeling to have and this condition doesnt bring much of anything else, in all fairness.....
( It is so hard though, as I am perhaps even more angry at myself than him actually, or maybe even at life itself!? Hopelessness is terrible feeling to have and this condition doesnt bring much of anything else, in all fairness.....I hope you will start a list an actual hard copy list of every terrible thing he has ever said or done. It doesn't have to be a long journal (but hey, maybe that's next!) but something you can carry around with you at all times, at home, when you are out and refer to it every time you start thinking how wonderful he was when you were together.
Why? Because the memory is selective and the dream of what was (supposedly) to come is powerful. That's not the truth of it though but the mind doesn't like to dwell on negatives.
So your list should be detailed enough to bring you back to that feeling but short enough so that it's not overwhelming to refer to, maybe like:
- Would never make plans to go out and when he rarely did would cancel half the time.
- Senseless arguing over stupid things while he is drunk - like:
- Didn't show up for my Birthday party until it was half over and then he was drunk
- Discussed marriage with me including centerpieces then tried to back-peddle and say he was only half serious.
- Would choose drinking over me 100 percent of the time.
- Never had any real intention of quitting
- We had to cut off all our friends and family basically as they fell by the wayside as all he was ever interested in doing was drinking too much
Just something like that. Now, thinking of negatives is a bit - negative and might sting a bit, but it is worth it. Not so that you can "hate" him but to give you really grounded thoughts of what it was really like. I think you will find it to be somewhat freeing.
Refer to the list 20 times a day if needed to start. You will find that it starts to balance all those "what could have been" thoughts.
You know, he is who he is, good and bad, not just good and until you see that and believe it, it's pretty impossible to move forward. He is basically a guy who wants to drink. You are a person who does not want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, but he is one. That's the truth of it.
You said in another thread:
But since I didnt allow myself to be angry at someone for having an actual disease
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