Originally Posted by
SurvivorK 
I have been in and out of recovery for the last 9 years, sober for 6, than tried drinking for 2 years, most of this year sober.. drank in March and now I did again on Friday... and my husband suspected this last time. I completely lied, I can't tell him, it will devastate him. It will end us. I am on day 6 of being sober.. plan on staying that way. I am just so anxious now and depressed, so not worth it. I became an empty nester last week and it brought me to my knees with sadness. I drank to relieve. And I know it's not the answer. I just want to know I will feel better again, and that the guilt of lying to my husband will fade. I am so ashamed. Went to AA this week, reached out to sober friends, didn't tell them, can't do that either. Maybe some day.. for now I just go to meetings and listen.
Hello,
Do you have an AA Big Book? (if not, get one asap).
Turn to page 52, read the 3rd paragraph and apply the following 7 questions from that paragraph to you:
1. Am I having trouble with personal relationships?
2. Am I unable to control my emotional nature?
3. Am I prey to misery and depression?
4. Am I unable to make a living (in the sense that whatever my financial situation is or whatever I make, is it never enough?)?
5. Do I have a feeling of uselessness?
6. Am I full of fear?
7. Do I seem to not be of real help to other people?
Answer those questions honestly and without reservation. Don’t worry about drinking for right now – drinking is not your problem, it’s your solution. Sobriety – and the condition you are in sober – is your problem. See if you are an alcoholic, and you take away alcohol, you will begin to live in the state of mind that those 7 questions are pointing to. Live in that condition long enough and you will seek relief. And how does an alcoholic find relief? Alcohol. And your mind knows it. That’s why it keeps taking you back to alcohol. To find relief.
Now…if the above applies to you, there is a solution to your sobriety problem. The book you would have in your hand contains the steps necessary for you to find the power you lack – the power to live a contented, peaceful, useful life. You just need to find someone to guide you.
Where to find the person to do that? Find a local big book meeting, go in and ask for help. Tell them what is happening and ask if anyone can take you through the steps, then abandon yourself to the process. I suffered immensely in AA, many relapses (after 11 years, 2 years a few times) and once I gave up all of my old ideas and became open and willing, magic happened. It can for you too.
-Patrick