Need Hope and Inspiration - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-05-2019, 08:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 133

Need Hope and Inspiration


I have been in and out of recovery for the last 9 years, sober for 6, than tried drinking for 2 years, most of this year sober.. drank in March and now I did again on Friday... and my husband suspected this last time. I completely lied, I can't tell him, it will devastate him. It will end us. I am on day 6 of being sober.. plan on staying that way. I am just so anxious now and depressed, so not worth it. I became an empty nester last week and it brought me to my knees with sadness. I drank to relieve. And I know it's not the answer. I just want to know I will feel better again, and that the guilt of lying to my husband will fade. I am so ashamed. Went to AA this week, reached out to sober friends, didn't tell them, can't do that either. Maybe some day.. for now I just go to meetings and listen.
__________________
Serenity - Courage - Wisdom (acceptance)
Remember it's okay to ask for help
SurvivorK is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to SurvivorK For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (09-07-2019), Anna (09-05-2019), Awake61 (09-06-2019), entropy1964 (09-05-2019), FitNonDrinker (09-06-2019), Ghostlight1 (09-11-2019), mnjen (09-07-2019), PhoenixJ (09-18-2019)
Old 09-05-2019, 09:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,204
Amazing the crud we do for booze. And guess what booze doesnt care.. It wants to kill us. And the sad part is we were letting it. So lets not let it. One day at a time. ✌
SoberRican is offline  
SoberRican found treatment at None (N/A)
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to SoberRican For This Useful Post:
Delilah1 (09-06-2019), mnjen (09-07-2019), SurvivorK (09-05-2019)
Old 09-05-2019, 10:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Mummyto2's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 2,191
Stay sober and the guilt will pass and everything will get better good luck
Mummyto2 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Mummyto2 For This Useful Post:
Delilah1 (09-06-2019)
Old 09-05-2019, 12:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by SurvivorK View Post
I have been in and out of recovery for the last 9 years, sober for 6, than tried drinking for 2 years, most of this year sober.. drank in March and now I did again on Friday... and my husband suspected this last time. I completely lied, I can't tell him, it will devastate him. It will end us. I am on day 6 of being sober.. plan on staying that way. I am just so anxious now and depressed, so not worth it. I became an empty nester last week and it brought me to my knees with sadness. I drank to relieve. And I know it's not the answer. I just want to know I will feel better again, and that the guilt of lying to my husband will fade. I am so ashamed. Went to AA this week, reached out to sober friends, didn't tell them, can't do that either. Maybe some day.. for now I just go to meetings and listen.
Hello,

Do you have an AA Big Book? (if not, get one asap).

Turn to page 52, read the 3rd paragraph and apply the following 7 questions from that paragraph to you:

1. Am I having trouble with personal relationships?
2. Am I unable to control my emotional nature?
3. Am I prey to misery and depression?
4. Am I unable to make a living (in the sense that whatever my financial situation is or whatever I make, is it never enough?)?
5. Do I have a feeling of uselessness?
6. Am I full of fear?
7. Do I seem to not be of real help to other people?

Answer those questions honestly and without reservation. Don’t worry about drinking for right now – drinking is not your problem, it’s your solution. Sobriety – and the condition you are in sober – is your problem. See if you are an alcoholic, and you take away alcohol, you will begin to live in the state of mind that those 7 questions are pointing to. Live in that condition long enough and you will seek relief. And how does an alcoholic find relief? Alcohol. And your mind knows it. That’s why it keeps taking you back to alcohol. To find relief.

Now…if the above applies to you, there is a solution to your sobriety problem. The book you would have in your hand contains the steps necessary for you to find the power you lack – the power to live a contented, peaceful, useful life. You just need to find someone to guide you.

Where to find the person to do that? Find a local big book meeting, go in and ask for help. Tell them what is happening and ask if anyone can take you through the steps, then abandon yourself to the process. I suffered immensely in AA, many relapses (after 11 years, 2 years a few times) and once I gave up all of my old ideas and became open and willing, magic happened. It can for you too.

-Patrick
pscirish is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to pscirish For This Useful Post:
August252015 (09-07-2019), mnjen (09-07-2019), SurvivorK (09-05-2019), trailmix (09-11-2019)
Old 09-05-2019, 12:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
ColoradoRocky's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Sounds like you've been around the block a few times, so let's get down to the brass tacks:

How many meetings do you go to? Thirty meetings in 30 days? Sixty meetings in 60 days? Ninety meetings in 90 days?

Do you put yourself at the service of others? Do you get up and re-fill everbody's coffee cup during the meeting? Take the de-caffeinated in one hand, the regular in the other. Do you help clean-up? Set-up?

You listen, but do you listen for someone who seems to have her act together, then strike up a conversation with her after the meeting?

Hope and inspiration sooner or later must come down to service to others and actions. These are small very do-able things that will pay big dividends.
ColoradoRocky is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ColoradoRocky For This Useful Post:
Delilah1 (09-06-2019), SurvivorK (09-05-2019)
Old 09-05-2019, 01:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 133
Thank you to all of you, great suggestions and something I will begin to take action on. I need to go to more meetings, fill up my time now that my children are gone, and take time to read the big book... really read it. Many of those questions in the 3rd paragraph apply to me:

1. Am I having trouble with personal relationships? Yes, missing my kids, how do I go it alone with my husband....

2. Am I unable to control my emotional nature? Yes, can't help but feel empty now that they are gone

3. Am I prey to misery and depression? Yes, I get depressed easily, do not like change.

4. Am I unable to make a living (in the sense that whatever my financial situation is or whatever I make, is it never enough?)? NO.. I do love to work.

5. Do I have a feeling of uselessness? Yes, what is my role now that my kids are gone...

6. Am I full of fear? YES!

7. Do I seem to not be of real help to other people? I fake being happy all the time.

I have a lot work to do. Time to dive into AA more !
__________________
Serenity - Courage - Wisdom (acceptance)
Remember it's okay to ask for help
SurvivorK is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to SurvivorK For This Useful Post:
Delilah1 (09-06-2019)
Old 09-05-2019, 03:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 4,872
Hi

Fellow empty nester here. Weird huh? And I'm completely alone because my hub died in 2011, so there's that. It sounds like maybe you and the husband need to reconnect? Or bravely redefine your relationship? That of course will be impossible if you are drinking.

I won't lie. I definitely had my thoughts of drinking. That magical thinking. I love that phrase. Because that's what it is. "you could drink" "maybe you should drink" "drinking would be fun". HA! And maybe you should purchase a unicorn, grow some fairy wings and find a rainbow that has a pot of gold somewhere. Magical thinking. That's all it is.

So I'm now this unfettered woman that has to get a job. Scary indeed. An open road that I can travel down in any way I want. Its exciting and terrifying.

But holy crap. Alcohol is the worst possible magical thinking.

Be honest. You can do this. Recreate yourself. Write your narrative. I'm currently on paragraph one of my new novel. So far? Dunno. But it beats being drunk.

Hang in there!!
entropy1964 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to entropy1964 For This Useful Post:
August252015 (09-07-2019), Awake61 (09-06-2019), boreas (09-08-2019), Delilah1 (09-06-2019), mnjen (09-07-2019), SurvivorK (09-11-2019), WaterOx (09-06-2019)
Old 09-06-2019, 11:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by SurvivorK View Post
Thank you to all of you, great suggestions and something I will begin to take action on. I need to go to more meetings, fill up my time now that my children are gone, and take time to read the big book... really read it. Many of those questions in the 3rd paragraph apply to me:

1. Am I having trouble with personal relationships? Yes, missing my kids, how do I go it alone with my husband....

2. Am I unable to control my emotional nature? Yes, can't help but feel empty now that they are gone

3. Am I prey to misery and depression? Yes, I get depressed easily, do not like change.

4. Am I unable to make a living (in the sense that whatever my financial situation is or whatever I make, is it never enough?)? NO.. I do love to work.

5. Do I have a feeling of uselessness? Yes, what is my role now that my kids are gone...

6. Am I full of fear? YES!

7. Do I seem to not be of real help to other people? I fake being happy all the time.

I have a lot work to do. Time to dive into AA more !
Good morning SurvivorK,

That's it! I see you’ve answered the questions and have taken what may be the beginning of your road to freedom from your alcoholism!

Lay aside all thoughts of God, concepts of God, Spirituality, etc and become open to possibility that there is an undiscovered part of you – yes you, the same you that suffers right now – that, once awakened, will solve every problem you have. That is what lies ahead if you find someone to take you through the book, line by line, and you thoroughly follow their path. But take action before your mind tells you don’t need to, that you ‘have this’. Urgency is of the utmost importance.

Quickly, let’s take a look back to where you were March 2018:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SurvivorK View Post
I am so so grateful! I never thought I would get to this point of having this amount of time sober, again. I had 6 years until 2016 and made so many attempts, but kept trying for longer and longer periods of sobriety. And I am getting it, I am working for it. I go to AA once a week, I talked to other alcoholics, I am open with my family about the good day and bad days. Especially my husband. I don't isolate myself, I keep moving forward. I feel a sense of calm, a sense of peace and possibility. One day at a time!

I remember starting the March and then the May group in 2018, you were all so helpful and provided me inspiration. I am glad to be here saying I have 186 days. We can all do it, the Promises give us that.

Happy Friday-
SurvivorK
Your state of being then: grateful, a sense of calm, a sense of peace, and hope for the future. So why didn’t it last? It’s simple really, you lack the power on your own to live in that state of being for any sustained length of time. That is the second part of the first step, and it’s called unmanageability. My life – my thoughts, emotions, actions, and outcomes – are unmanageable. Pretty soon, the condition of peace turns to one of inner turmoil. And what do we do? Even though we swore we wouldn’t – we drink. And why do we drink?

Well, that is crux of the problem. We are powerless. Now, what does that mean?

It means, when I put alcohol in me, I unable to stop – I CRAVE more alcohol. And when I do finally stop, I am unable to stay stopped. Now, right now I am addressing the mental twist that occurs in us – that makes it virtually impossible to leave alcohol alone, no matter how strong the desire. I have an alcoholic mind. It will take me back to alcohol. That is the powerlessness. It’s not about making a decision to stop – or a stronger decision to stop. When the thought of alcohol come into my mind, it overrides any self will I have to not drink alcohol. The insane idea that this time will be different parallels any sane thought I have and ultimately wins out. I drink. Again.

Use your own experience: have you made a decision to stop? Did you then drink after that decision? If so, you may be suffering from a condition of which no human power can relieve. That includes the power of your mind.

From the book:
1. “the problem of the alcoholic lies in the mind…” (p.23)
2. “the crux of the problem is “the mental state that precedes the first drink” (p.35)
3. “the alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.”(p43).

Simply, you drink because you have an alcoholic mind. Please do not rest on your laurels and allow your ego to rebuild – get right into a meeting and ask if someone can take you through the big book. Abandon yourself to the process, and you will have discovered a place within you that everyone believes is reserved for the Saints and Mystics. And that will solve all your problems (the bedevilments).

Buy the ticket, take the ride, and you'll awaken to a miracle.

Peace,
Patrick
pscirish is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to pscirish For This Useful Post:
mnjen (09-07-2019), SurvivorK (09-11-2019)
Old 09-06-2019, 01:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
Sober Alcoholic
 
awuh1's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,430
This time around I think you may do well to add a mental health component to your recovery. From your post I suspect that you may be struggling with depression and that the empty nest has brought on feelings that seem unbearable. You might be using alcohol (at least in part) to get relief from the depression. I think AA is great but they are not there to address mental health issues.

There is a tremendous amount the mental health community can do to relieve depression, so there is very good reason to be hopeful. Ask for an evaluation. Take care and all the best to you
__________________
For the rest of my life I will reflect on what light is. — Albert Einstein

1 John 1:5 God is light

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically.
— Albert Einstein
awuh1 is offline  
Old 09-06-2019, 02:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
FitNonDrinker's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 85
Just want to say how sorry I am that you are going thru this. I don't have much advise as I'm only on day 11. I can't imagine the sadness when my youngest son leaves the home. You are brave to reach out and I know you can find great help here. Hang in there, xo!
FitNonDrinker is offline  
Old 09-06-2019, 02:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 51,895
Kids leaving home is a really tough time for a Mom and it's a time when you may need to do some serious soul-searching. You are still a Mom and you will always be a Mom, so take some comfort in that, even though your role is changing. Take a look at things that you might be able to do now that you have more time. It might be a good idea to talk to your doctor if depression is a problem for you.
__________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
Anna is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (09-07-2019), Dee74 (09-06-2019), SurvivorK (09-11-2019)
Old 09-06-2019, 06:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 178,370
Blog Entries: 1
welcome back SurvivorK

Quote:
and my husband suspected this last time. I completely lied, I can't tell him, it will devastate him. It will end us.
every relationship is different I know but if I was found to have lied barefaced and was drinking again that would devastate my partner too.

I'm not telling you what to do but I hope you'll think about this...secrets can really weigh you down...

maybe in a few weeks it will be easier for you to open up.

D
__________________
Dee74 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
ColoradoRocky (09-06-2019), SurvivorK (09-11-2019), trailmix (09-11-2019)
Old 09-06-2019, 08:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
ColoradoRocky's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
welcome back SurvivorK



every relationship is different I know but if I was found to have lied barefaced and was drinking again that would devastate my partner too.

I'm not telling you what to do but I hope you'll think about this...secrets can really weigh you down...

maybe in a few weeks it will be easier for you to open up.

D

I would add something to what Dee is talking about, something that plagues drinkers and makes quitting much more difficult: it seems you've done a lot of drinking in secret and now you seem to be keeping your recovery a secret, hidden from your husband and friends. You sound isolated, guilty, and miserable about it.

Maybe you are underestimating your husband and friends. They might be willing to get behind you and help.

The first time I told a friend, I was terrified of what she would think of me. I'd met her in the town square for a movie and she asked me where I'd been, just making conversation. I said, "I just came from Alcoholics Anonymous." She stopped me dead in my tracks in the middle of the square, turned me around by the arm and gave me a big hug. I swear to God she had tears in her eyes she was so happy for me.

You never know who your real friends are until you take a chance.
ColoradoRocky is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ColoradoRocky For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (09-06-2019), mnjen (09-07-2019), SurvivorK (09-11-2019)
Old 09-07-2019, 03:17 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Zanna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,461
To be honest, your husband already knows and not from smelling it on you or seeing you act 'weird'.
He will know because when you go out, unless you take a shedload of Imodium, you'll be needing the loo every ten minutes. He will know because your hair won't be as thick and glossy as it was. He will know because your skin won't look as clear as it did.
Time to admit to him what he already knows and conquer all those 'extras' that boozing brings. Good luck! X
__________________
Quit smoking.. 26 May 2016
Quit Boozing.. 9 Jan 2017
Zanna is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Zanna For This Useful Post:
SurvivorK (09-11-2019)
Old 09-07-2019, 05:09 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 653
You were sober for six years and you have only drank twice this year? IMO that's pretty good. Not saying it is what you should settle for but I see folks here who manage just a few days of sobriety and go out on a bender over and over again.

Again I am not trying to minimize your problems. Becoming an empty nester after raising your children is very stressful. We are two years away from that point in time and I see the stress of this event on our horizon too.

But at least your brain is not soaked with alcohol and you probably are not experiencing any physical withdrawal symptoms.

Sobriety is within your reach and I am cheering for your success. My concern is that you will succeed and stop posting for the rest of us.
AAPJ is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to AAPJ For This Useful Post:
SurvivorK (09-11-2019)
Old 09-07-2019, 06:29 AM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
Zebra1275's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 9,445
and my husband suspected this last time. I completely lied, I can't tell him, it will devastate him.

Don't kid yourself, he knows. And he also now knows that you will continue to lie about it too. Be honest. Tell him you are devastated by the changes in your family structure and that you slipped. Chances are, he feels the same way about the family change, he just didn't get drunk as a way to deal with it.

I became an empty nester last week and it brought me to my knees with sadness. I drank to relieve.

I did the same thing when I dropped my oldest off at college 10 years ago. Drank a couple of beers on the drive home and then increased consumption when I got home. I envisioned our life as a family changing and was upset that it would get even worse when my youngest daughter went to college two years later. And then I would be stuck home, alone with my wife, who would be better able to monitor my sneaky alcohol intake.

Although things seemed pretty bleak to me, I managed to get sober for good about 6 months later with the help of this website and AA.

Fast forward 10 years. I've been sober 9.5 years, my kids are highly success and doing great. Although I don't see them as often (one is 600 miles away, the other is 75) our family remains very close and text almost daily. My wife and I have both retired and spend a lot of time together. Our relationship is sort of like it was when we were first dating, but with a few more wrinkles.

I'm not anything special, you could have something like this too. Sobriety is what made this possible. You can do this.
Zebra1275 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Zebra1275 For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (09-07-2019), mnjen (09-07-2019), SurvivorK (09-11-2019), Zanna (09-08-2019)
Old 09-07-2019, 10:12 AM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
August252015's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 7,825
Wow, pcsirish - brilliant posts. Thank you.
__________________
August

Quote:
"Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Alice in Wonderland
August252015 is offline  
Old 09-07-2019, 06:13 PM   #18 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 178,370
Blog Entries: 1
Hows it going SurvivorK?

D
__________________
Dee74 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
Zanna (09-08-2019)
Old 09-11-2019, 12:02 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 133
Thank you...

Thank you to everyone who posted.. thank you to Mr Irish, that was a compassionate, service to help us alcoholic message, which I appreciated. and what you said was all so true, especially about not being able to live in that state of just being grateful and content for an extended amount of time. I let the turmoil of emotions make my life become unmanageable and I relapse. That is truly perfectly said and something I am consciously going to work on. No one has ever put it that way too me. I will treasure that.

As for right now, I am doing better, I took active steps to try and build a stronger foundation. I am going to a big book meeting on Saturday, in additional to my women's meeting on Tuesday. I admitted my drinking to another women in aa. I have NOT told my husband, I suspect he knows, but I want to move forward and keep strong and sober. Not open that wound. I met with my psychiatrist and adjusted my medicine which has helped a lot.

I am trying to be of service, help other fellow alcoholics. Become more involved, lead meetings, get together for coffee outside of meetings, send texts, and for myself, I pray every morning, commit on an app on my phone that I will be sober today, and I write about how my day felt at the end of the day. I connect with my kids each day just to feel their presence and it is helping. I have the best children.

It's only been 11 days sober, but it's 11. I am trying not to isolate like I do so often. I also am making plans with my husband, reconnect and tell him that I need planned events with him. One day at a time. Thank you for your support.

SurvivorK
__________________
Serenity - Courage - Wisdom (acceptance)
Remember it's okay to ask for help
SurvivorK is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to SurvivorK For This Useful Post:
ColoradoRocky (09-11-2019), doggonecarl (09-11-2019), Ghostlight1 (09-11-2019), PhoenixJ (09-18-2019), Zebra1275 (09-12-2019)
Old 09-11-2019, 12:09 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 133
thank you... btw I did experience withdrawal systems with one bad night...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AAPJ View Post
You were sober for six years and you have only drank twice this year? IMO that's pretty good. Not saying it is what you should settle for but I see folks here who manage just a few days of sobriety and go out on a bender over and over again.

Again I am not trying to minimize your problems. Becoming an empty nester after raising your children is very stressful. We are two years away from that point in time and I see the stress of this event on our horizon too.

But at least your brain is not soaked with alcohol and you probably are not experiencing any physical withdrawal symptoms.

Sobriety is within your reach and I am cheering for your success. My concern is that you will succeed and stop posting for the rest of us.
Thank you for cheering me on, and you are right I need to continue to post for everyone. It's surprising, but one bad night of drinking had my mind soaked with anxiety and withdrawal for days after.. a great reminder why I do not want to do it again. So hard to get these 11 days. Not worth going back. I pray you are doing well ...
__________________
Serenity - Courage - Wisdom (acceptance)
Remember it's okay to ask for help
SurvivorK is offline  
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:06 AM.