Welcome to S.R.!!!
Don't worry about the rambling. My first post was a dead drunk ramble and no one complained, they just tried to help.
I know the feelings you are having. They are fresh on my mind. I have only stopped the drinking for 4 days. I am beginning to see plenty of other destructive habits I had before and during my drinking. I too feel uncomfortable about AA and am really using this board as my nightly AA. I decided that while I may not run to the first AA meeting I can, I am not going to rule it out. I will do whatever it takes to not drink anymore. AA, checking into a dryout facility, Climbing a mountain and find a shamin and staying there with him until I can handle being happy to say "No, thank you" when I am offered alcohol. I know if I don't stop, this will kill me, not figuratively, literally, so I am determined. I may fail on the first try but I will not give up until I have stopped drinking.
I'll say a special prayer for you tonight!
Good Luck!