Notices

Yet another 'My Story' thread

Old 11-24-2005, 04:37 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Iroha
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 3
Yet another 'My Story' thread

Well, firstly hello to everyone, I'm glad I found this board, and mustered up enough self-respect to want to stop drinking, and register to post here.

No doubt you've all read a million and one threads of people posting their story, I wanted to post something as a marker of my, hopeful, sobriety, hopefully I don't come off as sounding like I want sympathy, because I don't think I deserve it - but I just feel like I need to write everything down, and maybe I can make sense of my situation - if you know what I mean.

I don't want to ramble on too long, so I'd like to make a brief summary of my alcoholism, and my life, and why I think I turned to drink.

- I'm 26, I work for myself, and have done for several years now, I live with my parents (because I've been spending a lot of my money on alcohol for the past 4/5 years, and can't afford to move out - something I feel very shameful about, and to cope with that, I've been drinking more, a vicious cycle).

My work has suffered, I earn barely enough to live off, if I wasn't living at home, I would no doubt have to move back home because I couldn't afford my rent and bills - My parents are not aware I drink so much - although, they're not the kind of people to discuss such things or anything emotional with me, so for all I know they could well be aware.

I drink, usually a full bottle of vodka, every night for 3 or 4 nights a week, and this has been going on now for at least 3 years, although before that I had a job where I was very sociable, and would go out clubbing, and get just as drunk for 3/4 nights a week, only I had company then!

Since leaving that job and working for myself, my social life has plummeted, when you don't see people every day at work, it's easy to lose touch with people, and I'm not a very easy social person any way, even then I used drink as a way of losening up in social situations, so keeping in contact is not something I am comfortable with. Well, it's got to the stage where I haven't seen any friends or socialised for well over a year now - with the sole exception of my boyfriend, whom I only see at weekends due to distance, and he knows nothing about my drinking. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have any human contact at all (I barely speak to/see my parents due to working hours).

I can imagine it's glaringly obvious why I drink - I'm a very lonely and sad individual. I don't know how I let it get this far, but I did.

I really don't have any self-respect at the moment, the drinking is coupled with over-eating, so I'm, I'd say, a stone or two overweight (I've had a problem with food longer than I have with drink - I was comfort eating in my early teens and was a slightly chubby kid, and in my late teens I was bullemic, buying lots of food, eating it when everyone was out of the house, then throwing it all up - at which point I was very thin, and I think this is when I started drinking as I began working in a nightclub and I would get drunk before I even started work - this is when the bulemia sort of stopped and drinking took over).

So I guess I've had a self-destructive streak for as long as I can remember, and it's taken on several forms, the latest of which has been drinking myself blind drunk, alone, during the week for 3/4 years.

Well, so much for not rambling, I wouldn't blame anyone if they just said 'straighten up and fly right' - Maybe all I need is a little self-discipline.

I'm really not one for AA, I really don't think I could do it, I can't even speak to my family and partner about personal issues, never mind a roomful of strangers.

I'll end it there, I think I got much of what I wanted to say down. I'm just glad I finally wrote all that down, I've logged on here before, but never registered, tomorrow, always tomorrow it was..... then tomorrow, I'd go buy another bottle, and say 'tomorrow'

I'm gonna try and make 'tomorrow', 'today' from now on
Iroha is offline  
Old 11-24-2005, 04:42 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
KelKel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hello Iroha
Welcome to SR.
Well it is good to read that you have decided to look at your drinking and take some steps to do something about it.
You are not alone.
I think you will like it here.
KelKel is offline  
Old 11-24-2005, 04:59 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Om, Aum, Ohm...
 
Sugah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Welcome to SoberRecovery, Iroha!

Thank you for sharing your story. It's important that we hear how it was, what happened/what's happening, as well as the story of how it is now. With some willingness and awareness and work, you can have a "how it is now" story. Keep the faith... and keep reading. I think you'll find a lot of folks here understand right where you are.

Personally, I really identified with the kind of isolation you related. The last six months of my active addiction were spent in a bedroom alone. I had a caregiver, as I wasn't able to take care of even my basic needs any longer. The one thing that I won't ever forget was the number of beautiful summer days I let go by. The most I saw of the sun and the life beyond my room was under the 4" that I would allow my caregiver to raise my blinds.

Hang in there, keep reading, and please try to keep an open mind. That, along with honesty and willingness, is something indispensible to recovery. There is another way.

Peace & Love,
Sug
Sugah is offline  
Old 11-24-2005, 05:26 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Not the center of the Universe
 
findingout's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Welcome Iroha,

We all have to start at the same place - putting down the drink and not picking it up again. Glad you've joined us.

I'm really not one for AA, I really don't think I could do it, I can't even speak to my family and partner about personal issues, never mind a roomful of strangers.
Oh man, that was so me three years ago. Funny thing though, that roomful of strangers became a roomful of friends. But there are other ways over the mountain, you just need to find one that works for you and stick with it. The drinking will never get better, the sobriety gets better every day.

One Love, One Heart,
Tony
findingout is offline  
Old 11-24-2005, 06:09 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
body ~ mind ~ spirit
 
brigid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Welcome and well done for posting. Yep, I started changing my life when I realised that I needed to DO something about things that were bothering me rather than just continue to let them bother me. That has made everything a lot better, I don't always get it right, but I am more in charge of myself and where I am going now, more the person I want to be.

I pray for you that you will keep doing things to help yourself.

AA might be ok, you won't know if you don't go and it can't hurt, everyone there will understand your issues. It is hard to do this on your own and the help might make all the difference to you.

Good on you for posting, keep doing stuff, there is heaps to read

love brigid
brigid is offline  
Old 11-24-2005, 06:55 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Mirana, Arizona
Posts: 4
Welcome to S.R.!!!

Don't worry about the rambling. My first post was a dead drunk ramble and no one complained, they just tried to help.

I know the feelings you are having. They are fresh on my mind. I have only stopped the drinking for 4 days. I am beginning to see plenty of other destructive habits I had before and during my drinking. I too feel uncomfortable about AA and am really using this board as my nightly AA. I decided that while I may not run to the first AA meeting I can, I am not going to rule it out. I will do whatever it takes to not drink anymore. AA, checking into a dryout facility, Climbing a mountain and find a shamin and staying there with him until I can handle being happy to say "No, thank you" when I am offered alcohol. I know if I don't stop, this will kill me, not figuratively, literally, so I am determined. I may fail on the first try but I will not give up until I have stopped drinking.

I'll say a special prayer for you tonight!

Good Luck!
DrunkCapn is offline  
Old 11-25-2005, 02:05 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi and Welcome! Glad to see you are a member!

Please stay with us...we understand because we all have been in the hell of addiction too.

I went to AA for months...sat on the back row...never spoke.
All I could remember was a banner over the lectern...
"Keep Coming back...It Works"

I did and it has!

Hugs and blessings
CarolD is offline  
Old 11-25-2005, 03:42 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: its cold here
Posts: 3
Iroha,

Thanks for sharing with us. I too am a new member here. I only have a couple of posts under my belt, but I have done plenty of reading on this site. Believe when I tell you, your words probably sound very familiar to many. I can just hear myself saying.....Tomorrow over and over again. Then of course tomorrow comes and I somehow justify my destructive behavior. I can relate to everything you are saying and I think we have made the right choice by coming here to discuss our problems. So far, as stupid as this sounds, the hardest part for me has been being honest with myself about actually having a problem. Now that I'm not deluding myself anymore, I can actually talk to others about my problems. At least I feel like I'm on the right path now. I think you are as well.

Stay strong............
fadeaway is offline  
Old 11-25-2005, 05:01 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Iroha, glad you registered and hope you continue posting. Thanks for sharing your story. As you can see we can relate. If you ever are able to make an AA meeting you'll find the same thing, they've been there and understand.

I am 40 and live at home. At first it was because of my drinking. I couldn't keep a roof over my kids heads. My daughter went to live with her dad because she couldn't stand to live with me in my disease any longer. My son didn't have that option as he has no relationship with his dad so he was stuck with me. I still live with Mom today but it's different. I do it for companionship for her and I (she is like my best friend) and from a financial aspect to help her out as well as myself. Now that I am sober I could go out and get a place for my son and I but Mom would be by herself and she struggles as it is so she is happy to have us there.

I did the whole isolation thing when drinking too so I can relate to you there. Where you get plastered 3/4 nights a week, I did it for 7.

I can relate to the food thing too. I struggled with my weight my entire life. I had gastric bypass surgery in 2000 to lose weight because my health was going down the toilet. I rarely drank before that. I started really drinking (a big no-no with that surgery) in late 2000 and by 2001 I was an alcoholic. I drank like that until August 8 of 2004. I turned to alcohol because I was no longer able to stuff my feelings with food. I have since learned that up to 25% of people who have weight loss surgery end up switching addictions if they do not deal with what is causing that empty feeling in the first place.

I didn't think AA was for me either. I had to hit my lowest point before I decided to take a chance with it. I sat in meetings for 30 days, continuing to drink at night but listening to them share, getting to know them and seeing what their lives were like sober. I finally decided it was time to sh*t or get off the pot so to speak so I dove in, picked up my last desire chip 8/8/04 and have been going ever since. When I first got there I was scared to open my mouth, to let others in but I sat and watched them and listened. I heard my story told over and over again.

Today I am the speaker rep for our group and tomorrow night I'll be telling my story for the first time. I'm very nervous about it as I don't feel I have that much to tell but I'll turn it over to my HP who I choose to call God and let Him lead me as far as what I will say.

It is hard as hell to admit defeat and to actually do something about our disease but there is help out there if we will accept it and a whole network of people whether live in AA groups or online at places like SR who understand and want to help.

You've made a great first step. I hope you'll continue to post here.

Hugs,
Kellye
Kellye C is offline  
Old 11-25-2005, 05:57 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Five's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
Posts: 1,229
My isolation was similar to yours – the more isolated I got, the more I would fantasise and slip into a kind of terrified state of separation from people. You don’t have to feel like that again – and if you do, you will be surprised how easy it is to get out of it.

Your honest post sounded to me like someone who has either thrown the towel in on drinking, or has got the towel in their hand. My life accelerated toward the positive when I realised that drinking was not, nor ever would, be an answer to my problems. And then came the desire to stay quit. This desire comes and goes, so if its not there now, hold on it might come soon!

I attended AA for about two years, and then I left due to personal reason. I am glad I went through the process and I am – give or take – happy and have a sense of authenticity. AA works for a lot of people. There are many ways to get sober; people all over the world are living (and I mean LIVING) without booze – so its not impossible.

I admired your post, because it reminded me of the time I was beginning to wake up to the reality of my life…
Five is offline  
Old 11-25-2005, 06:58 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Iroha
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 3
Thank you very much for your supportive posts everybody. They are very, very much appreciated
Iroha is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:29 AM.