Well, firstly hello to everyone, I'm glad I found this board, and mustered up enough self-respect to want to stop drinking, and register to post here.
No doubt you've all read a million and one threads of people posting their story, I wanted to post something as a marker of my, hopeful, sobriety, hopefully I don't come off as sounding like I want sympathy, because I don't think I deserve it - but I just feel like I need to write everything down, and maybe I can make sense of my situation - if you know what I mean.
I don't want to ramble on too long, so I'd like to make a brief summary of my alcoholism, and my life, and why I think I turned to drink.
- I'm 26, I work for myself, and have done for several years now, I live with my parents (because I've been spending a lot of my money on alcohol for the past 4/5 years, and can't afford to move out - something I feel very shameful about, and to cope with that, I've been drinking more, a vicious cycle).
My work has suffered, I earn barely enough to live off, if I wasn't living at home, I would no doubt have to move back home because I couldn't afford my rent and bills - My parents are not aware I drink so much - although, they're not the kind of people to discuss such things or anything emotional with me, so for all I know they could well be aware.
I drink, usually a full bottle of vodka, every night for 3 or 4 nights a week, and this has been going on now for at least 3 years, although before that I had a job where I was very sociable, and would go out clubbing, and get just as drunk for 3/4 nights a week, only I had company then!
Since leaving that job and working for myself, my social life has plummeted, when you don't see people every day at work, it's easy to lose touch with people, and I'm not a very easy social person any way, even then I used drink as a way of losening up in social situations, so keeping in contact is not something I am comfortable with. Well, it's got to the stage where I haven't seen any friends or socialised for well over a year now - with the sole exception of my boyfriend, whom I only see at weekends due to distance, and he knows nothing about my drinking. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have any human contact at all (I barely speak to/see my parents due to working hours).
I can imagine it's glaringly obvious why I drink - I'm a very lonely and sad individual. I don't know how I let it get this far, but I did.
I really don't have any self-respect at the moment, the drinking is coupled with over-eating, so I'm, I'd say, a stone or two overweight (I've had a problem with food longer than I have with drink - I was comfort eating in my early teens and was a slightly chubby kid, and in my late teens I was bullemic, buying lots of food, eating it when everyone was out of the house, then throwing it all up - at which point I was very thin, and I think this is when I started drinking as I began working in a nightclub and I would get drunk before I even started work - this is when the bulemia sort of stopped and drinking took over).
So I guess I've had a self-destructive streak for as long as I can remember, and it's taken on several forms, the latest of which has been drinking myself blind drunk, alone, during the week for 3/4 years.
Well, so much for not rambling, I wouldn't blame anyone if they just said 'straighten up and fly right' - Maybe all I need is a little self-discipline.
I'm really not one for AA, I really don't think I could do it, I can't even speak to my family and partner about personal issues, never mind a roomful of strangers.
I'll end it there, I think I got much of what I wanted to say down. I'm just glad I finally wrote all that down, I've logged on here before, but never registered, tomorrow, always tomorrow it was..... then tomorrow, I'd go buy another bottle, and say 'tomorrow'
I'm gonna try and make 'tomorrow', 'today' from now on
