Attended a meeting
* I just reread this and have to apologize for my long rambles. My mind is jumbled up right now.
So I made it to an actual face to face meeting. (I usually use the online ones because of my obligation to my special needs son)
I literally sat there in the chair and silently cried for the whole meeting. There were maybe 15 other women in that room. 15 other humans who have had their lives ruined by alcohol and drugs. Families that have been split up and no testimony of healing together.
I have decided to begin working the steps again. I have drawn the line in the sand and now I am waiting to see WHEN, not if, he crosses it. I know that I cannot keep doing these things for him. He is helpless and I am partly to blame for that. (Hard to hear from you guys but even harder to admit.) I used to blame his family for the way he acted. His grandmother and mother had treated him like the true Golden Child. I do not think he had ever washed dishes or did laundry in his whole life until we started dating. They cooked and cleaned for him, made his appointments and anything else he beckoned them for. I learned really quickly that he expected things this way and I fell in line when I should have just told him hell no!
Yesterday, I sat down some new boundaries for our household (our three boys are following right in his footsteps) that included picking up their own laundry, not leaving shoes in the middle of the floor and putting dishes in the dishwasher. This may not seem like much but they ended up protesting and not being "hungry" for dinner last night. I have a chance to help my sons see the light...that is what I am going to focus on right now. For the moment, they are defending their dad. That I should not treat him so "poorly" when he works so hard for our family. I hope they will come around too.
My daughter is a man-hater. She will not live with us and chooses to be homeless instead. I don't blame her. I blame myself for that too. She watched me get beat down for so long and just make excuses that she couldn't take it anymore. I didn't let her have a voice so now she has no trust or love for any men.
I am nothing but sad right now. I feel a heavy weight of blame and I am not thinking clearly. I want to thank you for your honesty and ability to just lay it out there. I see that it is my fault I am still where I am today and I should just stop complaining about it. One day at a time.