Blogs


Notices

Attended a meeting

Old 08-26-2019, 12:58 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Attended a meeting

* I just reread this and have to apologize for my long rambles. My mind is jumbled up right now.

So I made it to an actual face to face meeting. (I usually use the online ones because of my obligation to my special needs son)
I literally sat there in the chair and silently cried for the whole meeting. There were maybe 15 other women in that room. 15 other humans who have had their lives ruined by alcohol and drugs. Families that have been split up and no testimony of healing together.
I have decided to begin working the steps again. I have drawn the line in the sand and now I am waiting to see WHEN, not if, he crosses it. I know that I cannot keep doing these things for him. He is helpless and I am partly to blame for that. (Hard to hear from you guys but even harder to admit.) I used to blame his family for the way he acted. His grandmother and mother had treated him like the true Golden Child. I do not think he had ever washed dishes or did laundry in his whole life until we started dating. They cooked and cleaned for him, made his appointments and anything else he beckoned them for. I learned really quickly that he expected things this way and I fell in line when I should have just told him hell no!
Yesterday, I sat down some new boundaries for our household (our three boys are following right in his footsteps) that included picking up their own laundry, not leaving shoes in the middle of the floor and putting dishes in the dishwasher. This may not seem like much but they ended up protesting and not being "hungry" for dinner last night. I have a chance to help my sons see the light...that is what I am going to focus on right now. For the moment, they are defending their dad. That I should not treat him so "poorly" when he works so hard for our family. I hope they will come around too.
My daughter is a man-hater. She will not live with us and chooses to be homeless instead. I don't blame her. I blame myself for that too. She watched me get beat down for so long and just make excuses that she couldn't take it anymore. I didn't let her have a voice so now she has no trust or love for any men.
I am nothing but sad right now. I feel a heavy weight of blame and I am not thinking clearly. I want to thank you for your honesty and ability to just lay it out there. I see that it is my fault I am still where I am today and I should just stop complaining about it. One day at a time.
oddsunflower is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to oddsunflower For This Useful Post:
FallenAngelina (08-31-2019), hopeful4 (08-27-2019), Mango212 (08-26-2019), NYCDoglvr (08-26-2019), QuietlyTired (08-26-2019), trailmix (08-27-2019)
Old 08-26-2019, 01:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036


Families do recover. There is hope.

I have a chance to help my sons see the light...that is what I am going to focus on right now.


One day at a time. Easy does it. This does get easier.
Mango212 is offline  
Old 08-26-2019, 01:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,884
oddsunflower…..good for you on making it to the meeting. Just keep making the baby steps...one foot in front of the other...while, always FACING FORWARD...…
You CAN and will change your circumstances.....
Quote: "How does a jug fill with water?----one tiny drop of water at a time!"

***I raised three kids, mostly, as a single parent....and, I worked full time...so, it was important that the whole family pitch in to keep the household running.
I didn't have too much trouble with them doing their responsibilities. Admittedly, they were quite young, when it started. They are adults, now...and they all are good at being able to run a household...including cooking meals, etc. Two boys, one girl.
This is what I suggest....Make a list of reasonable responsibilities or chores...for each one...including yourself and your husband. Post them on the refridgerator.
Don't nag and argue with them about it. One reminder, at most.
have a simple method of "reqards" in mind. It can be anything that they look forward to. It can be as simple as a star sticker at the end of the week for chores well done.
My big one was allowance, on Friday. If chores were not don...no allowance given until hey were. Could get it "early" on Thursday night....if chores were done on time and carefully.
See where this is going?....the point is--don't turn into a "Nag"....let rewards be their incentive.
Lots of "thank you" and "job well done!" goes a long way....(wink)….
dandylion is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
Mango212 (08-26-2019), trailmix (08-27-2019)
Old 08-26-2019, 02:30 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
oddsunflower…..good for you on making it to the meeting. Just keep making the baby steps...one foot in front of the other...while, always FACING FORWARD...…
You CAN and will change your circumstances.....
Quote: "How does a jug fill with water?----one tiny drop of water at a time!"

***I raised three kids, mostly, as a single parent....and, I worked full time...so, it was important that the whole family pitch in to keep the household running.
I didn't have too much trouble with them doing their responsibilities. Admittedly, they were quite young, when it started. They are adults, now...and they all are good at being able to run a household...including cooking meals, etc. Two boys, one girl.
This is what I suggest....Make a list of reasonable responsibilities or chores...for each one...including yourself and your husband. Post them on the refridgerator.
Don't nag and argue with them about it. One reminder, at most.
have a simple method of "reqards" in mind. It can be anything that they look forward to. It can be as simple as a star sticker at the end of the week for chores well done.
My big one was allowance, on Friday. If chores were not don...no allowance given until hey were. Could get it "early" on Thursday night....if chores were done on time and carefully.
See where this is going?....the point is--don't turn into a "Nag"....let rewards be their incentive.
Lots of "thank you" and "job well done!" goes a long way....(wink)….
Thank you so much!!! I am pretty sure I could never turn into a "nag" because I am a pretty "do it myself" kind of girl but you never know...
The chore chart is up and not open for discussion. I made it a competition (we are THAT family) whoever does the most chores gets to decide their award...the rest just get the allowance. Maybe then they will just be magically responsible (hey, I believed in other impossible things so I am just changing the scenario)
oddsunflower is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to oddsunflower For This Useful Post:
Bernadette (08-28-2019), Mango212 (08-26-2019), trailmix (08-27-2019)
Old 08-26-2019, 02:31 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post


Families do recover. There is hope.

I have a chance to help my sons see the light...that is what I am going to focus on right now.


One day at a time. Easy does it. This does get easier.
Thank you Mango!!! One second at a time right now...
oddsunflower is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to oddsunflower For This Useful Post:
Mango212 (08-26-2019), trailmix (08-27-2019)
Old 08-27-2019, 09:55 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,566
Blog Entries: 10
Yes! One second at a time indeed. When I started going to meetings I think I bawled right through 5 or 6 of them. Keep going. Get the support you deserve, one step at a time!
hopeful4 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hopeful4 For This Useful Post:
FallenAngelina (08-27-2019), Mango212 (08-27-2019), trailmix (08-27-2019)
Old 08-27-2019, 10:05 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 6,547
sunflower, I have to commend you on teaching your Sons this really important stuff.

My first Husband was actually a person who could totally do anything. Work distribution was pretty much equally shared. There was no "training" involved, he knew what to do and he did it, without complaint.

When I would hear other women talk about their SO's and how they did nothing, no cleaning or only if told, no cooking etc etc, I would ask, how can you do that? I would never be able to live with someone like that?

Yeah well, I have since. I have found that just doing whatever needs to be done, on my own is how I operate. I don't nag, rarely complain and don't carry resentment. On the rare occasions I have started to feel resentful I remind myself I can either leave whatever it is to someone elses timetable or do it myself.

For you, having Sons to teach, that's a different kettle of fish (Sons or Daughters I should say - it's important for all children to learn these skills), so you will see that, while they might complain initially, it will become natural eventually, just as it is for you and they will thank you (possibly, eventually lol). Regardless, you are on the right track!

Their future families will thank you!
trailmix is online now  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
hopeful4 (08-27-2019), Mango212 (08-27-2019)
Old 08-30-2019, 02:11 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Keep coming back. Right meeting, right timing can often happen in really good, unexpected ways.

From page 8 in the Hope For Today daily reader:

I once heard an Al-Anon member share that he deliberated so much about his troubles, he often didn't hear the solutions offered at meetings. He said if he couldn't even focus on recovery at the meeting, he surely couldn't do it at home. I didn't see how this insight applied to me, but I found her had a point. The chairperson hadn't finished the first sentence of the meeting welcome when my mind went right to one of my problems. After seeing this pattern, I began to concentrate on the experience, strength and hope shared at a meeting.

Under the slogan "first things first" on page 155, the thought for the day is:
How balanced is my life today?

"The program has helped me to set my priorities straight." Alateen -- one day at a time, p. 222
Mango212 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Mango212 For This Useful Post:
FallenAngelina (08-31-2019)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:32 AM.