Dandylion used to say (and some thought it was too harsh - not me!) that people that are new to recovery, like your Husband, should be sent off to Peru (I think it was Peru) can't remember if there were Monks involved.
Anyway, I always thought this was a brilliant idea because of just what you are going through.
You have expectations here. Just like having expectations of an alcoholic are folly, expectations of a newly-maybe-might-reach some kind of recovery person is folly too.
Sending them off the the monastery would be kindness.
In most/many cases, alcohol for an alcoholic is an escape. Sad, how about a drink? Wife mad at you for not mowing the lawn - again, how about a drink? Mom has alzheimers, a drink. Stress at work, long hours, a drink will numb that pain in the ***.
Newly recovering alcoholics are as difficult to deal with as full blown alcoholics in many cases.
If they would just quit drinking, I could have my Husband/Wife back.
Well no, it doesn't work that way. While they may not have had a complete personality change, they have now been alcoholics for X number of years. That changes a person. You can't have person A be an alcoholic for 15 years and expect them to be the same because they put the bottle down, doesn't work like that. While you have been going through whatever you have been going through, they have been going through something else on their side as well. It changes people.
To top all that off, what about coping skills. Pretend someone took away all of yours today, all that you have learned about coping and replaced it with alcohol. How would you cope? Probably not well, it would be like being in a foreign land not speaking the language. I imagine it's like that quitting alcohol that you have used for years to cope, just in reverse.
Yes, they can learn the tools but it takes time. It all takes time and your Husband is not there.
Send him to the mountains!
Short of that, have realistic expectations perhaps. He has a long way to go and right now he is using the few tools he has. Pity, threats, manipulation etc
I'm going to guess he doesn't know if he is coming or going right now. You said it, recovery IS selfish. He isn't past that.
This is not a plea for you to pity him, not at all, that is all his side of the street. I hate to see you keep getting hurt, perhaps your expectations need to be incredibly low right now, realistically?