Recovery is selfish
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Recovery is selfish
Like addiction, recovery is selfish. AH has all hands on deck to recover from his disease. He is making baby steps in recognizing issues in himself as am I. My therapist gives me the safe space to recognize my daddy issues. My man picker is broken because of emotional stuff that I experienced growing up, not abuse, just stupid stuff that others might take in stride but that hurt me. I didn’t feel like I mattered that much to my dad. I know he loves me, yet, I always felt second. Thus, I choose men that put me second. I am learning I have to put myself first to be emotionally healthy. What others think or do is none of my buisness. I’m seeing AH start to speak of his FOO and some dysfunction there. This is new. I continue to pray for my emotional healing and his as well. Divorce papers will be filed. Im going to protect myself. Perhaps in time, new growth and emotional wellness will reunite us. Time will tell. I continue to be thankful for all your support and kindness as I muddle thru this crazy time in my life.
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Sounds like good insight and healing is happening for you.
I’m glad you have a safe space to process.
One small suggestion DC and that is to not be an audience to AH talking about his FO issues or any other work he is doing.
You can kindly say—don’t have to be mean— that right now you are working on you own stuff and don’t have the energy to deal with his stuff. That should be happening in outpatient and AA with professional people or more detached people.
When he starts using you to process his stuff, it is first very selfish given the emotional pain he’s put you through recently, but more insidiously it is another “poor me” manipulation.
He has his own interests at heart. Not yours.
I’m glad you have a safe space to process.
One small suggestion DC and that is to not be an audience to AH talking about his FO issues or any other work he is doing.
You can kindly say—don’t have to be mean— that right now you are working on you own stuff and don’t have the energy to deal with his stuff. That should be happening in outpatient and AA with professional people or more detached people.
When he starts using you to process his stuff, it is first very selfish given the emotional pain he’s put you through recently, but more insidiously it is another “poor me” manipulation.
He has his own interests at heart. Not yours.
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I see that. I have yet to hear, besides a few crumbs of understanding why I filed for divorce, any understanding of the depth of emotional pain his addiction has caused me. Therefore, I continue to guard my heart, and continue to put myself first. No more mommy love for him. I am a woman who deserves a man who sees me, really sees me and has empathy. That’s my new marker for relationships, empathy. If that’s not there, even a hint of inauthenticity and I’m out. Blessings to you hawkeye..,I appreciate you and your insights always. 😁
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
I am proud of you, D & C.
I think to remain in addiction is much more "selfish" than recovery. One goal of recovery (step 12) is to be a help to others trying to recover.
I think to remain in addiction is much more "selfish" than recovery. One goal of recovery (step 12) is to be a help to others trying to recover.
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These are the insights AH shares with me now. I’m skeptical.
“ I recognize that I don’t always say what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. I can say that I volunteered for treatment with the hope, however remote, that it might give me the tools to save our marriage. Nobody forced me. I will forever love you. It’s clear I need to work on sarcasm too. Sarcasm is rooted in fear.”
Im not responding and staying focused on me Just for today. Odaat.
“ I recognize that I don’t always say what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. I can say that I volunteered for treatment with the hope, however remote, that it might give me the tools to save our marriage. Nobody forced me. I will forever love you. It’s clear I need to work on sarcasm too. Sarcasm is rooted in fear.”
Im not responding and staying focused on me Just for today. Odaat.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
It was a big breakthrough when I realized the problem wasn't abf, it was ME. I had to stop focusing on him and deal with my own problems. "Let go or be dragged"
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
These are the insights AH shares with me now. I’m skeptical.
“ I recognize that I don’t always say what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. I can say that I volunteered for treatment with the hope, however remote, that it might give me the tools to save our marriage. Nobody forced me. I will forever love you. It’s clear I need to work on sarcasm too. Sarcasm is rooted in fear.”
Im not responding and staying focused on me Just for today. Odaat.
“ I recognize that I don’t always say what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. I can say that I volunteered for treatment with the hope, however remote, that it might give me the tools to save our marriage. Nobody forced me. I will forever love you. It’s clear I need to work on sarcasm too. Sarcasm is rooted in fear.”
Im not responding and staying focused on me Just for today. Odaat.
Hardly can be called insights even by the most hopeful when you look at his actions and verbal blow ups at you.
Has he been packing?
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I also thought it may be just parroting what he was told would help. However, I believe many people do this in desperate times, men and women.
Keep that focus on YOU Dazed. Hang your hat on your own actions, thoughts, and words.
Keep that focus on YOU Dazed. Hang your hat on your own actions, thoughts, and words.
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He is pretty much packed but this is heartbreaking. He is cooking dinner for me, being so kind and now he is getting a sponsor. He says his life was spared to bring a new level of happiness to my life. Ugh. I am crying all morning this morning, but I’m going thru with it.
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He says his mind is clear and he is seeing things differently. He told me he is so sorry for the madness and what he did to me, he feels like a bad person. All this is fine and good, but I don’t see a way back from this. THIS was horrific. So confused.
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He says his life was spared to bring a new level of happiness to my life.
crabby old cynic here - oh puhleeeze. so the hand of God came down and plucked him out of his self induced misery in order to make YOUR life better and he is now the portal to your happiness?
notice one thing he has not said - D&C, I understand why you have filed for divorce, i accept that and wish you the best as you continue on your life's path. i am grateful for all the good and humbly regret the bad. there is no reason for me to delay my departure until the court appointed date.
nope. just a bunch of new word speak designed to SOUND good and keep you off balance.
if'n you wanted to "test" this self appointed pixie of happiness, tell him thanks for the dinner, but you already made plans. this is also considered a NO. then watch how he reacts.........
crabby old cynic here - oh puhleeeze. so the hand of God came down and plucked him out of his self induced misery in order to make YOUR life better and he is now the portal to your happiness?
notice one thing he has not said - D&C, I understand why you have filed for divorce, i accept that and wish you the best as you continue on your life's path. i am grateful for all the good and humbly regret the bad. there is no reason for me to delay my departure until the court appointed date.
nope. just a bunch of new word speak designed to SOUND good and keep you off balance.
if'n you wanted to "test" this self appointed pixie of happiness, tell him thanks for the dinner, but you already made plans. this is also considered a NO. then watch how he reacts.........
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Glad to hear you are going through with the divorce. If (and that's a BIG IF) he follows through with consistent recovery for at least a year, there's nothing to say that you can't reevaluate things and start dating. At least then you won't be legally tied to him and can end things much more easily should the situation go south.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
He says his life was spared to bring a new level of happiness to my life.
crabby old cynic here - oh puhleeeze. so the hand of God came down and plucked him out of his self induced misery in order to make YOUR life better and he is now the portal to your happiness?
notice one thing he has not said - D&C, I understand why you have filed for divorce, i accept that and wish you the best as you continue on your life's path. i am grateful for all the good and humbly regret the bad. there is no reason for me to delay my departure until the court appointed date.
nope. just a bunch of new word speak designed to SOUND good and keep you off balance.
if'n you wanted to "test" this self appointed pixie of happiness, tell him thanks for the dinner, but you already made plans. this is also considered a NO. then watch how he reacts.........
crabby old cynic here - oh puhleeeze. so the hand of God came down and plucked him out of his self induced misery in order to make YOUR life better and he is now the portal to your happiness?
notice one thing he has not said - D&C, I understand why you have filed for divorce, i accept that and wish you the best as you continue on your life's path. i am grateful for all the good and humbly regret the bad. there is no reason for me to delay my departure until the court appointed date.
nope. just a bunch of new word speak designed to SOUND good and keep you off balance.
if'n you wanted to "test" this self appointed pixie of happiness, tell him thanks for the dinner, but you already made plans. this is also considered a NO. then watch how he reacts.........
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in time, you will have a chance to reflect upon the true nature of this relationship. his side and yours.
Alcoholics. I met one 20 years ago. Struggling, lost everything, bankrupt....he recovered and we made a life. He came back from bankruptcy, we built a beautiful home and life together. New cars, tryck, peace, happiness....I thought
and......
How can he just drink his life down the tubes after re-building it? All that work and effort! He’s right back to where I found him.
Alcoholics. I met one 20 years ago. Struggling, lost everything, bankrupt....he recovered and we made a life. He came back from bankruptcy, we built a beautiful home and life together. New cars, tryck, peace, happiness....I thought
and......
How can he just drink his life down the tubes after re-building it? All that work and effort! He’s right back to where I found him.
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