I have been adamant that I would stand by her as she worked her recovery, stopped lying, came clean, didn’t endanger the kids, stopped doing wrong things behind my back. I don’t believe that is asking too much.
This sounds so familiar to me. I remember feeling like it was my job to reason with my ex, to make him understand this stuff. The thing is, I don't remember anyone having to explain it to me. I took it as the bare minimum basics of being an adult, a parent.
Having circular conversations about why his bahavior was unacceptable, and could actually cause us to lose custody of the kids never got me anywhere. Worse, it was teaching the kids that this is how adults behave. That's the thing, I couldn't talk him into behaving like a responsible adult, and staying in that situation was providing the worst possible example to my kids. They were the ones learning- not from our words, but from our actions.
He's still doing what he wants, when he wants, but the kids and I no longer live in danger, fear and chaos. Life in our house doesn't revolve around his neverending crises.
I couldn't change him- and I really, really tried. All the talks in the world didn't improve his behavior. He was totally fine with everything he was doing. All of it worked for him. I was the one who wanted a change, so I had to make the change.
I don't mean that it was easy. Getting my kids out of a dangerous situation was the first step in a long (and ongoing) process of recovery from the damage I sustained growing up in an alcoholic home.
Keep yourself and the kids out of harm's way. She is not capable of acting in the best interests of your family right now.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Please keep reading and posting here. There's no magic solution, but there is a lot of support if you reach out. Take care.