I came at this from the other direction, which is that my ex was pretty awful most of the marriage, certainly the entire time once we had a child. I had come to the conclusion he was a real bastard. I knew he was a heavy drinker, but he didn’t generally drink to throwing up or obvious passing out, and didn’t seem all that different when he was drinking versus not, so I never even thought to blame any of his ****** conduct on being an alcoholic. Of course, he was always drinking, I just didn’t realize that, so the not drinking versus drinking distinction was only in my head.

I realized I was miserable and the marriage was terrible for me a long, long time before I finally realized he was an alcoholic. When I came here and learned that a bunch of the things he did and does are actually super common among alcoholics, I still in my soul think the problem is mostly that he’s a bastard, and then some amount that he is an alcoholic. He was put on medication for a personality disorder a couple of months ago, and he such an unbelievable liar, not just about drinking but literally anything that doesn’t make the story look the way he wants it to on virtually all subjects, and he fits the pattern of an emotional abuser just as tightly as he fits the pattern of an alcoholic. The other thing that has always stood up to me is the fact that even when he was hammered, he always manage to act like he was a nice person when other people were around. If you can turn it on or off, it’s not this thing the booze brings out. That’s a decision. So, is he an alcoholic without a conscience? absolutely. Does he lack a conscience because he’s an alcoholic? I don’t think so. But more importantly, when he treats me like human garbage on purpose and unrelentingly, does it matter if his brain was damaged before the booze, or because of the booze? Not one GD bit.

I realize you made promises to yourself and to her about standing by her while she worked through this. But she’s been an a-hole to you for a very long time, and in many ways that not all alcoholics do. Is she a jerk because she’s an alcoholic, or an alcoholic who happens to be a bad person under it all? Doesn’t matter. She treats you like garbage. She put your children in danger. Take control of the thing you can, which is you, and your kids safety.

maybe someday she will have been sober long enough you can see what the sober version of her is, and decide whether that person still sucks. Maybe she will stay drunk until her dying day and the world will never know. What I do know is being treated like crap feels terrible and does you no good. I’m fairly certain now that my ex-husband will never be “in recovery” to the extent that would be necessary to ever see if there was another personality under there. I very much doubt there is, because I don’t think he has the depth of character to ever really dig deep.

I totally understand where this is going around in your head. I have wondered so many times if there was somebody else at the bottom of all of this misery so I get it. I think in my case, the answer is no, but I’ll never know for sure. May we both have and continue to have the strength to make that not our respective problems, and take care of the only people we really can.