I definitely understand how that can feel. Even though my A and I are in a more healthy and respectful relationship there are times I get angry with myself. How badly I’d love to express how much pain I went through with his drinking.
I learned that even if I wanted to scream for 8 hours straight to his face it would solve nothing but tear apart the relationship. Instead I found better ways to express myself. I go to two different 12 steps, I journal, I listen to podcasts, and even play angry music when I drive home late at night and scream along with it. Everyone has their way of letting it out, you just have to find your healthy version!