trailmix

I guess the question is, who are you angry at, him or yourself, both?

It's one thing to take the high road (ie: I won't vent my frustration about his drinking because it is a mental illness) it's another to feel you were codependent or that you put up with poor treatment and didn't defend yourself.

Not defending yourself, not calling someone on their poor treatment of you hurts you. It lowers your self-esteem and self-worth, it's frustrating, it makes you sad - it's an all around damaging situation to be in (as you well know).

So yes, perhaps you did let yourself down by not taking care of yourself enough, by not protecting yourself enough (and I don't mean duels at dawn lol) - now you just have to forgive yourself.

That tried and true saying of once you know better. Living with an alcoholic is probably something new for you, you didn't get training in it, regular relationship rules do not apply most of the time. Really you are just flying by the seat of your pants most of the time?

I really think writing it all out would help. A list of all the terrible incidents, how you handled it and how you would handle it differently. It gives you a chance to review and think about your boundaries.

Maybe write him a letter while you are at it and share your frustration. Maybe sit on it for a few weeks. Review it, edit it, get it all out. Whether you choose to burn it or send it is up to you, of course.