Originally Posted by
Wombaticus 
I just watched a Ted talk about what you speak about someone is what they become to you.
She suggested we are hardwired to find the faults in people, and we need to look for the good.
So while nobody in the hotel room is awake, I am trying to think of what I could say about AH, and what I used to say about him to others.
It is really hard. There always seems to be a 'but...'
Perhaps too much damage has been done.
He is generous, but that needs to be more than just about money.
He is spending more time with us, but that needs to continue once we get back from holidays.
But...he is drinking heavily each night and doing that night after night after night means that he is shutting us out and hurting himself.
Not sure what I am expecting from writing this...just needed to get it out of my head.
Maybe try replacing the "but" with "and also"? The good qualities and the bad qualities can coexist, one doesn't have negate the other. My ex could be very generous,
and also could be self-centred to a mind-blowing degree. Because of my position in his life (spouse for 25 years and parent of his only child), I mainly experienced the second half of that sentence. But there were other people in his life whose experience of him had more of the first half of that sentence.
At his recent memorial service, former coworkers commented on what a great laugh he had and how funny he could be. He did have an infectious sense of humor and also could be mean, vindictive and hurtful.
I think that because addicts are so good at hiding their addictions and consequent dysfunctions, and at deceiving, manipulating and gaslighting people, when we F&F wake up to the severity of their problems, we want to establish what THE TRUTH is. We have seen the private side of the addict, which is often hard to square with what other people think of them. Using "and also" lets us acknowledge that our experiences of the alcoholic are valid and true, but don't exhaust everything that can be said about the alcoholic.