Purina, obviously you know that you are depressed and are confronting all the negative thoughts at once that your brain is telling you that you have no worth and that it is hopeless.
I have been in your shoes with the suicidal thoughts telling you that it's a way out of the pain.
Everything that you are feeling now is greatly exaggerated by coming to terms with so much at once and in the earliest time of abstinence/withdrawal. It's not reality other than it hurts like hell. Getting all that junk out on this forum has to be some relief to you, I hope, just being able to express it to others who get it.
It takes time to begin to realize that things are not really that unmanageable any longer, so give yourself the credit that is due for beginning to do the right things for yourself. I'm still in a lifeboat financially, and there are messes for me still to clean up. I didn't think it possible to come out of where I had put myself. I was wrong.
I have heard here that you have been helpful to others on SR with their own strife, and that suggests to me that you have a good core in you to fall upon, not your own sword. Every person posting here with you and for you shares a deep concern for your own trouble, it's your turn to receive the care given. We need each other here.