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Feeling suicidal on Day 3

Old 06-18-2019, 03:22 PM
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Feeling suicidal on Day 3

Wow,

It has been a terrible day. Everything is going wrong for me . Life's tragedies just continue to hammer on me one after the other.

For example: some stocks that I bought continue to drop in price and I am down almost 20% on my investment and it has become a pattern for me to drink as a result as it is more and more bad news day after day and I fear I may lose my entire investment and my entire life savings that is all invested in that same company.

I feel like such an IDIOT for making the investment and I feel so much remorse for so many years i wasted drinking. I lost the best years of my life in my 20's and 30's and drank them away, My thinking is so foggy that I fear I may have a wet brain I cant even get my laser printer to stop jamming (after printing 1 page it jams)

My life is so full of loneliness and isolation. I have not been with a woman in almost 1 year and I dont have a single friend in the entire world. I adopted a mixed pitbull and if i decided to kill myself there would be nobody to take care of the dog and he probably wont get adopted and would be put to sleep.

And in reality that is the only thing that stops me from putting a gun in my mouth and blowing my brains out. i just cant deal with the rejections of mainstream society and I am 50 lbs underweight so woman are not attracted to me AT ALL and my self esteem is zero as a result.

But life is very difficult when you are ugly, people dont want to be around you. The isolation is very difficult.

The worst thing is that even if I stop drinking and drugging well THEN WHAT? How will I ever solve my other problems?

Am I going to find a duffel bag with a million dollars inside of it? That seems to be the only way out of my situation and its not very likely to happen. It wasnt always like this......I used to be SOMEBODY until I let the alcohol and drugs chop me down. Now Im just a loser, and my brain is so burnt that I dont even know if I can learn a new trade or find a way to make a decent salary.

Im such a f*ck up, I am a disgrace to my family. A black sheep, a runt that should have been put down because I was actually born deformed and they had to do surgery on me when I was a baby.

And tomorrow morning I have to go to court on a traffic ticket that I set to trial and if the cop shows up they are going to fine me 4 times as much as the original ticket and that will probably be the final straw. I cant take it anymore, every day brings new horrors and I have absolutely NOTHING to look forward to, not even a package from Amazon.

God must really hate my guts, he goes out of his way to dump more and more sh!t on me day after day. More and more bills and I am about to go completely broke in my checking account.

I need a freaking miracle, man......... to turn my life around. I cant even go to an AA meeting now because I feel I will cry in public and disgrace myself even further.

i could really use some good news or even a glimmer of hope. But If I lose that court case tomorrow I think that will be the final curtain. Maybe i can check myself in to the Crisis Unit where they have the suicide watch. Because i cant remember feeling this low in many, many months.

I just wanted a 7 day reprieve from this nonstop series of negative events that are happening in my life one after the other........ If God would just stop "digging in" to me and hurting me just for 7 days so I can put the clean time together but so far life has gotten even WORSE since I quit drinking 3 days ago.

I dont even know how to explain what all these terrible things are happening right at the moment that I am trying to get clean and to become a good person.
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:31 PM
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You've got a lot on your plate but suicide is never the answer. I was in that frame of mind and hospitalized. I hope you find some hope and clarity. You can have a better life but it can't include using. Hard to face but you can do it!
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:31 PM
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I'm sorry that you're so low Purina. Day 3 is right smack dab in the middle of withdrawal - you're likely to feel all kinds of emotions and emotional responses

It helped me to realise that these extremes of mood were at least in part chemical reactions of my mind and body healing.

Thats not to say your worries and your pain isn't aren't real, but I'm sure you'll look at them at it all in a different light in a week or a month or six months.

I don;t think you're a runt or a loser or anything like that. On the contrary I've seen you be a great help to others here already

I'm sorry about your stock - I never got into that cos I knew I'd be obsessive about it.

I hope your stocks improve. I also hope court goes well.

If you need someone to talk to please do investigate this link - it has crisis lines and other helpful things

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

or if you really feel like you're a danger to yourself go to the ER maybe?
D
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:45 PM
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Hello, Purina

Suicidal thoughts and untreated alcoholism go hand in hand. It's the disease talking to you. Untreated alcoholism takes away homes, marriages, financial security, priceless friendships, family, careers, any and everything good will go down the drain. The root cause, for me, was untreated alcoholism. I got sober in AA. I cried in meetings, before meetings, after meetings, and during meetings because I felt hopeless.. I had the perception that I was a strong person, but alcoholism is a disease I couldn't get well from it on my own, and it became the persuader. I found hope by being around other alcoholics who had walked the same road as me.

I have a son who just got out of treatment three months ago for depression and alcoholism. What got him to treatment was an unsuccessful attempt to take his life by overdosing three times in a week. He's 45 years old. When he didn't die from the overdose, he told the hospital staff he didn't want to die anymore, that he wanted to live. My best friend's son just not too long ago took his life. He was a dentist with a good practice, a beautiful loving family, yet, he was alcoholic. This disease is no respecter of persons.

You mentioned a couple of things you can do, AA meeting or the Crisis Center. From the outside looking in, both of them sound like they would give you maybe just that little glimmer of hope that you need right now.

Please consider your options. There are alternatives.
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:49 PM
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Thanks for that link. Im def taking this seriously. I have had thoughts of suicide in the past but I never felt it this strongly.

Basically I am cracking under the pressure of my problems and I am too emotionally fragile to handle such a heavy load. Its all just too much.

I wish I just had to deal with the withdrawal and absolutely nothing else but sadly I have to handle my business problems, the bad investment and also traffic tickets, overdue $900 water bill, a citation from the city for repairing my roof which will cost thousands. And it is just too much for me..........

I am drowning in these problems. If I win the court case or if the stock goes up tomorrow that would be all that i need just to renew my spirits. But if not I am going to have to check myself into the crisis unit because I cant take the chance that I may actually really end my life.

Im really in alot of danger right now. I dont know what God's intentions are or what this is supposed to prove.

On second thought i may not be able to go to the Crisis after all because I dont have medical insurance and what will happen is that they will send me like a $5000 bill or whatever and will attach it as a deficiency judgement since I own my house. I certainly cant afford $5000 so i am going to have to find some other options.

Thats how disgusting our government is in USA that even for a suicidal person they want to try to take advantage of them
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:50 PM
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I need a freaking miracle, man......... to turn my life around. I cant even go to an AA meeting now because I feel I will cry in public and disgrace myself even further.
That would not be a disgrace, it would be powerful. It would help cleanse you and be a fantastic growth opportunity for everyone lucky enough to be in attendance. By all means. go to a meeting, be a source of change and inspiration for yourself and others. There is power in this moment, use it for good!
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:54 PM
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Hi Purina

No one can fix everything in a day (or three days)

I had a large amount of debt after twenty years of drinking...I paid it all off bit by bit.

I honestly believe if I can, you can too.

As for the cost of an ER- The way I see it...if you need help, it'd be a great investment in your health.

as for AA...I'm not a member but I read here daily that people break down in AA meetings all the time - it's a room full of people who know how you feel and who want to help

D
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:55 PM
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Hey!

You helped me on Saturday and Sunday that were particularly very hard days for me. So, trust me, I don't consider you a loser. Someone who is asking for help will never be a loser.

And yes, things might be a little bit rough at the moment but what if they get better? They always will.

Regarding the money issue, screw it, man. Your life is worth much more than ANY debt. It does not matter the amount.

You can go to the ER, they will help you to calm down there. But you're life is worth and is YOUR life. Screw what everyone else thinks about it. It can and it will get better. You will feel proud yourself.

Big hugs man. You got someone in here that does care for you
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Old 06-18-2019, 04:19 PM
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Thanks everyone for the support.

It means alot to me. The voice of my addiction has really put all its energy and effort into this latest mental attack. Its a war inside my head, all day long its been:

* You are a loser
* You are a dummie
* You cant do anything right
* You have screwed up everything good inside your life
* Your best years are behind you, only pain and suffering await you now
* You are ugly, nobody likes you
* Youre a creep and a wierdo
* Your too stupid to make a decent salary or learn a new trade
* Nobody cares if you live or die. You are irrelevant
* The world will be a better place after you are gone
* You are a disgrace to the family name


And so forth......All day long just negativity x1000
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Old 06-18-2019, 04:45 PM
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Purina, I'm glad you are taking your feelings seriously. If you need to, I hope you do check into a Crisis Centre, regardless of cost. Your life is worth it. As Dee said, it will take time and consistent effort on your part, but you will be able to get a handle on the debts.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so low. Please know that I, and others here, care about you. Keep in close touch and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 06-18-2019, 04:45 PM
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Just because the voice of addiction is saying all those things, it doesn't make them true.

Leave your front door and your back door open.
Allow your thoughts to come and go.
Just don’t serve them tea.
Shunryu Suzuki
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Old 06-18-2019, 04:48 PM
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Negative self talk is pretty common for a lot of us Purina - just because we think it doesn't make it true

Challenging negative thinking | ReachOut.com Australia

Negative Self-Talk: 9 Ways To Silence Your Inner Critic

Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central

Positive thinking: Reduce stress by eliminating negative self-talk - Mayo Clinic

Change Your Inner Talk From Negative To Positive
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Old 06-18-2019, 04:54 PM
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I could have wrote that list about myself a 100 times. The important thing is that you want to get better, you want to be better. When you've had a lot in life, it is VERY hard to start with something so simple as staying sober for a day. But that's how it starts.
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Old 06-18-2019, 05:01 PM
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1-800-273-8255 Suicide prevention lifeline.


their website https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ even has a chat function in the upper right corner. Check it out.
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Old 06-18-2019, 05:02 PM
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Purina, obviously you know that you are depressed and are confronting all the negative thoughts at once that your brain is telling you that you have no worth and that it is hopeless.

I have been in your shoes with the suicidal thoughts telling you that it's a way out of the pain.

Everything that you are feeling now is greatly exaggerated by coming to terms with so much at once and in the earliest time of abstinence/withdrawal. It's not reality other than it hurts like hell. Getting all that junk out on this forum has to be some relief to you, I hope, just being able to express it to others who get it.

It takes time to begin to realize that things are not really that unmanageable any longer, so give yourself the credit that is due for beginning to do the right things for yourself. I'm still in a lifeboat financially, and there are messes for me still to clean up. I didn't think it possible to come out of where I had put myself. I was wrong.

I have heard here that you have been helpful to others on SR with their own strife, and that suggests to me that you have a good core in you to fall upon, not your own sword. Every person posting here with you and for you shares a deep concern for your own trouble, it's your turn to receive the care given. We need each other here.
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Old 06-18-2019, 05:03 PM
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If all of those things the voice of addiction were telling were true, the voice of addiction wouldn't be wasting it's time trying to get you to believe them because it's job would already be done. It would be looking for another potential recruit.
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Old 06-18-2019, 05:22 PM
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Man you sound like me in the not very distant past. Just do the next right thing - be it sleep, eat, exercise, go to AA, whatever - that's all you need to think about right now. Little by little things will get better. I'm about seven weeks in and each week it's got a little bit better. Just a little bit. But just enough.

All I need.
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Old 06-18-2019, 06:08 PM
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Thank you all for the links and the positive words. It really means alot to me. I ate a meal and I feel alot better now.

Its helpful to realize that all these negative statements are all just lies and that the devil on my left shoulder is just trying to butter me up to go out and drink.

Its amazing the lengths that this addiction will go just to get that first drink in us. I remember how i would start a big fight with my girlfriend 4 years ago just to have an excuse to storm off and go buy beer to drink in the car on the way home. Looking back on it........ this addiction will stoop to any low just to con us into taking the first drink or the first drug.

Truly a ruthless enemy and it lives right between my ears and thats why its good for me to talk to other people and not to isolate too much. I think I will head out to an AA meeting after all. It sure beats stewing around in my sorrows.

Im going to bookmark this page so that in the future I can link it to other people who are having similar negative thoughts and hopefully this will be helpful to other people that are going thru similar struggles.

Dont believe the lies. We have a bright future to enjoy once we overcome this addiction. I can weather this storm with the love and support of others.

Thanks again.
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Old 06-18-2019, 06:12 PM
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Yes, you are absolutely right to not believe the lies. I'm really glad you are feeling better.
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Old 06-18-2019, 06:20 PM
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You said you own your home. You are wayyyyy ahead of the game. And a stock investment is just paper gains/losses until you sell.
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