Purina

Wow,

It has been a terrible day. Everything is going wrong for me . Life's tragedies just continue to hammer on me one after the other.

For example: some stocks that I bought continue to drop in price and I am down almost 20% on my investment and it has become a pattern for me to drink as a result as it is more and more bad news day after day and I fear I may lose my entire investment and my entire life savings that is all invested in that same company.

I feel like such an IDIOT for making the investment and I feel so much remorse for so many years i wasted drinking. I lost the best years of my life in my 20's and 30's and drank them away, My thinking is so foggy that I fear I may have a wet brain I cant even get my laser printer to stop jamming (after printing 1 page it jams)

My life is so full of loneliness and isolation. I have not been with a woman in almost 1 year and I dont have a single friend in the entire world. I adopted a mixed pitbull and if i decided to kill myself there would be nobody to take care of the dog and he probably wont get adopted and would be put to sleep.

And in reality that is the only thing that stops me from putting a gun in my mouth and blowing my brains out. i just cant deal with the rejections of mainstream society and I am 50 lbs underweight so woman are not attracted to me AT ALL and my self esteem is zero as a result.

But life is very difficult when you are ugly, people dont want to be around you. The isolation is very difficult.

The worst thing is that even if I stop drinking and drugging well THEN WHAT? How will I ever solve my other problems?

Am I going to find a duffel bag with a million dollars inside of it? That seems to be the only way out of my situation and its not very likely to happen. It wasnt always like this......I used to be SOMEBODY until I let the alcohol and drugs chop me down. Now Im just a loser, and my brain is so burnt that I dont even know if I can learn a new trade or find a way to make a decent salary.

Im such a f*ck up, I am a disgrace to my family. A black sheep, a runt that should have been put down because I was actually born deformed and they had to do surgery on me when I was a baby.

And tomorrow morning I have to go to court on a traffic ticket that I set to trial and if the cop shows up they are going to fine me 4 times as much as the original ticket and that will probably be the final straw. I cant take it anymore, every day brings new horrors and I have absolutely NOTHING to look forward to, not even a package from Amazon.

God must really hate my guts, he goes out of his way to dump more and more sh!t on me day after day. More and more bills and I am about to go completely broke in my checking account.

I need a freaking miracle, man......... to turn my life around. I cant even go to an AA meeting now because I feel I will cry in public and disgrace myself even further.

i could really use some good news or even a glimmer of hope. But If I lose that court case tomorrow I think that will be the final curtain. Maybe i can check myself in to the Crisis Unit where they have the suicide watch. Because i cant remember feeling this low in many, many months.

I just wanted a 7 day reprieve from this nonstop series of negative events that are happening in my life one after the other........ If God would just stop "digging in" to me and hurting me just for 7 days so I can put the clean time together but so far life has gotten even WORSE since I quit drinking 3 days ago.

I dont even know how to explain what all these terrible things are happening right at the moment that I am trying to get clean and to become a good person.