Done, done and done
Hello everyone, I was a member here before but I’ve been having trouble logging in. So I’ll just pick up my story where I am now. I’ve had some trouble with alcohol in the past but I was always able to quit or cut down to safe levels for periods of time. But I don’t think my relationship with booze was ever normal.
I’ve had MS for almost 25 years but it was manageable until 2 years ago. I hired an assistant who lived with us to help me run the business and do the heavy lifting and physical part of the job. While I did as much as possible, many days I’d quite working earlier due to fatigue. I was so fatigued I often spent the entire weekend in bed just so I could get up and go to work again. And I’d drink.
My husband had a drinking problem when he was younger and he just quit and never drinks now. So when my wine consumption was creeping up and I got falling down drunk a few times we had a talk and I agreed to cut down. That was about 2 years ago. I switched to beer because I didn’t really like it, then I started liking it. So I switched to light beer - which I still don’t like but boy do I drink it!
In January my neurologist and my family agreed that it was time for me to stop working and had an intervention . I won’t bore you with the details but basically my MS has progressed to the point where I can’t walk without a walker or wheelchair, can’t bathe without assistance, I can’t drive, and my cognitive issues are much worse. I’m basically housebound. I’m one of the lucky ones though - I applied for disability expecting a two year battle but received approval within 6 weeks. I just didn’t realize that I had been legally disabled for years and I kept the business going barely making a profit (because I was paying someone to do my job)out of pride, obligation, stubbornness ....whatever the reason. I just didn’t want to quit.
Now to the drinking. After I retired I started drinking earlier in the day around lunchtime. I wouldn’t eat all day and I’d pound them back until my husband got home. We’d have dinner and I wouldn’t drink anymore but just feel like crap. He buys my beer and occasionally we would argue about it but not often. Sometimes when he was out at night I would manage to get more beer and binge. Then I found out you could have liquor delivered. So about once a month I’d order a few bottles of wine and really strong beer. I never drank it all at once but a few times I was at 10 units.
So last week I realized that even without the extra stuff I was still drinking about 7.5 light beers a day for the past three weeks. So I started tapering and told my husband I was done. Today I’m at 3. I realize that tapering isn’t the ideal way but it has been keeping my withdrawals at bay. I plan on being finished on Monday. There is only the beer in the house that my husband leaves me so I’ve stuck to it. Probably only because of not having access.
I’m just done. I expected retirement to be enjoyable but instead I’m sick, lonely and bored. I know if I don’t stop now this will just get worse and I’ll be dead in a few years. Thank you for listening to my story.