To see the toll all of this is taking on her and not be able to help is awful. This has changed our family dynamic some and just put so much stress on all of us for different reasons. It's very stressful for everyone involved.
A patient of mine a while back had come into the ER because of a bad laceration. She was really really upset because it meant she would miss her visit to her husband in the nursing home memory care unit he was on. She was really focused on that and on how long the sutures were going to take and how long till she was discharged, etc.
One of the docs, who I always loved for his kind and gentle nature, came in and sat down with her and explained that his parents had a similar arrangement. His dad had advanced Alzheimer's and his mom had committed herself to seeing him every day, and she was still working too. Even when he and his brother would go on alternating days she still visited although dad didn't really respond to any of them any more.
He said after a year or so the toll was quite obvious on his mom
He suggested to the patient that she try this because it eventually worked really well for his mom: set up a Mon/Weds/Fri visiting arrangement and spontaneously choose one of the weekend days as suited her weekend plans for that particular weekend. He assured her that her husband would be fine, and if she didn't believe it she could test out the new system for 2 weeks, ask the caregivers at the facility to keep good notes on his behavior on the days she wasn't visiting and collect some data to see if he was being unduly affected by the new schedule.
He told her the data's already in about how it's affecting you. I can see you love your husband and since I'm sure he loves you, he wouldn't want you to be making yourself sick and run down.
His manner was so gentle and matter-of-fact, like hey this is what you can do to help yourself not be completely destroyed by this situation. It was like she just needed permission from an authority figure or something. She was crying and she said, "OK yes, that sounds like an OK plan I'm going to try that!" Obviously we wouldn't ever know if she did but maybe, just like when we start learning about alcoholism, some little snippet of what he said wil stay with her and eventually she will start properly caring for herself first.
Later on I said Dr. S. I know it was only routine sutures but I think you saved that lady's life!
Maybe if someone from the facility or your mom's doc suggests a change in her routine she'll be able to hear it differently. Even if she gave herself one day off a week that's a start.
It's so hard!
My oldest just finished the first year of college, wow, where did that time go! I am proud and feeling a bit old lol.
It does sneak up on you doesn't it!! I always loved the saying "The days are long but the years are short." When they live with you and need so much from you it's like being pecked to death by a duck. Then whooosh off they go and it's like, hey, what happened??
Peace,
B