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Old 06-13-2019, 12:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Off topic but just an update......


I have not posted an update in quite a long time, so here we go....

Thing are just moving along with my kids and XAH. Things are relatively calm at the moment. My oldest just finished the first year of college, wow, where did that time go! I am proud and feeling a bit old lol.

Honestly both of my kids are in a good place. They have a distant relationship with their father as they know it always goes sour at some point, so they keep it distant, and safe. He's still an addict but controls it mostly around them. Youngest spends less and less time there just because being a young teen is busy! I am happy to see the socialization that goes on in their lives.

My father has Alzheimers and it's worsening which has put a lot of stress on our family. He is in a very, very nice memory care unit. They are wonderful to him there. However, he has declined both physically and mentally to a point that he's just...blank. It's so very hard to be around him because he does not enjoy anything at all, so there is nothing to talk about and he really won't talk to you and barely looks at anyone or anything anymore. It makes it very awkward because you are trying to engage him and he is just not there. It's so very sad. My mother travels every single day to see him and continues to work as well. It's definitely taking it's toll.

I struggle because I was never very close with my father. We have a close family overall, and have always done lots of things with our mother more so. To see the toll all of this is taking on her and not be able to help is awful. This has changed our family dynamic some and just put so much stress on all of us for different reasons. It's very stressful for everyone involved.

I changed locations at my job which I was really dreading but ended up working out ok. I have to drive a bit farther but it' s not bad.

I have been trying to make more of an effort to go out with friends and have a good time. I never really want to go out, but I am happy that I did if I just go. It's always fun, I am just so tired by the end of the week that I feel spread thin and could just stay home all weekend I think if allowed.

So...there it is in a nutshell. I did have some problems with my oldest last year and earlier this year, but through counseling and a lot of talk we have worked it out and things seem to be going well. Fingers crossed it stays that way.

Thanks for reading!
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Old 06-13-2019, 02:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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To see the toll all of this is taking on her and not be able to help is awful. This has changed our family dynamic some and just put so much stress on all of us for different reasons. It's very stressful for everyone involved.

A patient of mine a while back had come into the ER because of a bad laceration. She was really really upset because it meant she would miss her visit to her husband in the nursing home memory care unit he was on. She was really focused on that and on how long the sutures were going to take and how long till she was discharged, etc.

One of the docs, who I always loved for his kind and gentle nature, came in and sat down with her and explained that his parents had a similar arrangement. His dad had advanced Alzheimer's and his mom had committed herself to seeing him every day, and she was still working too. Even when he and his brother would go on alternating days she still visited although dad didn't really respond to any of them any more.

He said after a year or so the toll was quite obvious on his mom

He suggested to the patient that she try this because it eventually worked really well for his mom: set up a Mon/Weds/Fri visiting arrangement and spontaneously choose one of the weekend days as suited her weekend plans for that particular weekend. He assured her that her husband would be fine, and if she didn't believe it she could test out the new system for 2 weeks, ask the caregivers at the facility to keep good notes on his behavior on the days she wasn't visiting and collect some data to see if he was being unduly affected by the new schedule.

He told her the data's already in about how it's affecting you. I can see you love your husband and since I'm sure he loves you, he wouldn't want you to be making yourself sick and run down.

His manner was so gentle and matter-of-fact, like hey this is what you can do to help yourself not be completely destroyed by this situation. It was like she just needed permission from an authority figure or something. She was crying and she said, "OK yes, that sounds like an OK plan I'm going to try that!" Obviously we wouldn't ever know if she did but maybe, just like when we start learning about alcoholism, some little snippet of what he said wil stay with her and eventually she will start properly caring for herself first.

Later on I said Dr. S. I know it was only routine sutures but I think you saved that lady's life!

Maybe if someone from the facility or your mom's doc suggests a change in her routine she'll be able to hear it differently. Even if she gave herself one day off a week that's a start.

It's so hard!

My oldest just finished the first year of college, wow, where did that time go! I am proud and feeling a bit old lol.

It does sneak up on you doesn't it!! I always loved the saying "The days are long but the years are short." When they live with you and need so much from you it's like being pecked to death by a duck. Then whooosh off they go and it's like, hey, what happened??

Peace,
B
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Old 06-13-2019, 02:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you B!

That is just what she does. Even if I am going or someone else, she still goes, every single day! She says she does not want him to forget her, which happens anyways.

I am going to talk to the staff there, there is one nurse in particular that is absolutely wonderful, and see if she will suggest that same set up to my mom and see how it goes.

The very sad part is that she really stays too long. Once she has been there for a while, he only becomes focused on saying he wants to go home, over and over and over. It's the only thing he will say. It upsets him, and it upsets her and actually makes the visit worse. Ugh....

Thanks again for the recommendation!
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Old 06-14-2019, 02:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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We think my mother has alzheimers but it's hard to say. The main symptom with her is severe memory loss except her personality is still there and she can chat and laugh at a joke. I suppose it affects people in different ways.

I was going to suggest that you try music, especially the sort that he enjoyed and was popular when he was young. Depending on the patient it can be very soothing, and might be for your mother as well. Maybe set up a simple music player.
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Old 06-14-2019, 06:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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FeelingGreat....he is way beyond that. We have tried, he does not respond to music, or anything else, at all. It's really, really sad.
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I can relate so much with you regarding your mother and father. My father also developed Alzheimerís and when it became to dangerous for him to remain home my mom made the heart wrenching decision to put him in a memory care facility.

Having to put him in a facility went against everything my mom grew up believing and was told, that family always takes care of family no matter what. It helped that I got her to go to a care giver seminar at the hospital because it got her thinking new thoughts and not obsessing about those old ones. She also would go visit every day but when the weather turned cold and snowy she limited her visits to 3 times a week.

Finishing first year of college, big milestone and you should feel proud.
I try and plan going out with friends for Saturday night because like you I feel so tired at the end of week I just want to go home and put on comfy clothes and chill. As much as I initially look at going out as a hassle I always end up glad I went because itís always fun.
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Atalose....our lives have many parallels! If nothing else it's nice to not feel alone and speak to others who can relate.Thank you for sharing with me friend!
In looking at the other people at the memory care unit, none of them seem to be like my dad. They all still look around and will make eye contact. I think that is the most disheartening of all is that he does not even seem to look...at anything. It's just...nothing.

I talked to my sister last night, we are going to talk to my mom this weekend and try to get her to go to three days a week and whenever she feels like it on the weekend. I think that would help her. All we can do is try.

As far as myself, I am in some kind of funk. My anxiety is high and I cannot really pin point why. It would seem that this would be it, but I don't really think so. This is my norm as far as I have been living with this with my dad for quite some time, so it's nothing really new. I don't know.

This seems silly to even mention, but I have not even been making my bed. When I divorced several years ago (five...wow, time flys), I read an article that said you will be a happier person if you make your bed every day. I ALWAYS do so no matter what. This week I just found myself not giving a darn. Very unlike me. I went out of town last weekend and have not even unpacked all of my stuff. I am normally a "neat freak" so this is just out of my norm in a big way.

I am going to try to relax some this weekend and get myself together. Wash all my linens (I do this every Saturday), unpack, and just try to get myself back on track. I know part of this is having a longer commute in the morning. It's still not too bad, but it does take about 20 mins longer for me to get to work, so it's thrown off my morning routine I have had for all of these years.

I don't know why I am blathering on about all of this except I have been journaling this morning trying to figure out why I am feeling this anxiety and unrest. I am at work and every little thing is grating my nerves. There is one person especially who has on very loud flip flops and just keeps flipping around the office all over the place. I find myself just cringing and wanting to tell her to stop flopping LOL! Things that would normally not bother me in the least.

Dear Lord, may today pass quickly.....
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:17 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Funny fact....walking across my office just now and my shoe broke and flew 10 feet in the air...and landed with a loud thud LOL. I had to take my break and go buy a new pair of shoes.......

Not my day....not my day...
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Not noisy flip flops.. I presume
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Funny fact....walking across my office just now and my shoe broke and flew 10 feet in the air...and landed with a loud thud LOL. I had to take my break and go buy a new pair of shoes.......

Not my day....not my day...
I can just imagine it flying high across the office!
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Old 06-14-2019, 09:09 AM   #11 (permalink)
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LOL....Definitely Not!!!!!

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Originally Posted by sammymaguire View Post
Not noisy flip flops.. I presume
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Maybe the anxiety and unrest is because you are morning the loss of your Dad even though he is still physically alive. For the year and a half my Dad was in the facility I went through a lot of ups and downs and emotions that were not directly obvious to me. I didnít realize I was in the morning process because I never equated anxiety to that. Sadness, anger, guilt, those were easier to identify.

I tended to not want to go out and feel good and have fun because of the condition I knew my Dad was in and it didnít feel right so there for I had to push myself. I didnít travel to far away from home and If I had the opportunity to be a few hours away I was filled with anxiety and could not fully relax. I was always thinking what if something happens and I mom need me right away. By the time my Dad did pass away I have pretty much gone through the grieving, of course I was sad but I also was at peace knowing he finally was to.

To bad your flying shoe didn't take out the flip flop noise maker, that could have been like a hole in one!!

((hugs))
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Old 06-14-2019, 12:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you for sharing, hopeful. Your comments always make me feel better. I am sorry that you are not feeling yourself.
With regard to your shoe...getting to leave work for a bit to buy a new pair of shoes sounds kind of nice...if you think about it. I wouldn't mind.
Hope you have a lovely weekend, whatever you decide to do.
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Old 06-14-2019, 01:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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"May your life reflect how brave you are."

You have a lot going on. What does your self-care and support network currently look like? Maybe it's time to ramp those up?

It's okay to put yourself first through all this.

"We nurture ourselves so we can nurture others."

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Old 06-14-2019, 02:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Reminder: it's really healthy to find ways to completely let go for a period of time. God's got this.

Take care, my friend.
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Old 06-14-2019, 02:43 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Thanks friends!

Atalose....you may be right. Goodness knows that I have so many emotions about all of this with my Dad that I don't even think I can recognize them! The shoe did land near the flip flopper which did give me some sort satisfaction but all the girls up front heard and saw it. I was embarrassed, but also thought it was funny.

Seekingcalm...you are right. I mean, I did run and get some cute new shoes, could be worse! My boss called me in about an hour or so ago and gave me 4 tickets to REALLY good box seats to an upcoming major league baseball game, and told me to leave early that day so I can get there early and enjoy. Sooo super nice of him! So all is well that ends well I suppose!

Mango, I really do seek support through a couple of close friends and of course you lovelies here at SR. I also take anxiety medication and have for a long time which does help. I also journal. One that that I have let get away from me is exercise....and meditation really. I think next week I will ramp up on both!

Have a great weekend friends. I cannot tell you how much your support means to me.
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Old 06-14-2019, 02:53 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Old 06-16-2019, 07:51 AM   #18 (permalink)
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There’s this doctor from New Mexico who I really like (Dr. Tieraona Low Dog) in this herbal series I’ve been watching, and she told this story of her mother, who had dementia. Her father found her wandering, looking for her mother, who had long since passed away, and he was really worried about her.

She talks about cognitive decline, and her take on it was also that the veil between this world and the spirit world gets thinner and thinner for people with Alzheimer’s/ Dementia, and they spend more time in that world, even though their body is here, and how disturbing it can be for loved ones watching. I thought that was an interesting take on. They have this up until midnight EST tonight, and after that the link expires, but you can hear her talking about it at minute 59:38:

https://remedy.thesacredscience.com/episode4bpz
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