It’s only at a year sober I am learning to accept the loss of friends in my life. For a long while I still blamed them in some way but the harsh reality is all my friendships ended due to something I said or did while drinking in one way or another. Some weren’t directly related to my drinking but I made things a whole lot worse for myself and lashed out at people who I felt had hurt me when I was smashed out of my face. I have learned and I won’t make the same mistakes again but have to constantly remind myself to live in the now, not the past as I can’t change it, or the future as I am not there yet and worrying about what’s going to happen serves no positive purpose.
I always pushed people away so when they eventually walked away from me I could justify my self pity and “the whole world is against me” victim status.
I still have to work at acceptance of my part in it all as when I am tired or stressed the victim in me tries to re-emerge and take over. However, I am wise to it now and react swiftly to shut it down. Love and kindness meditation, gratitude and taking a daily inventory of myself has been my best weapons to deal with it. x