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Old 06-12-2019, 06:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Mourning the people who walked away.


I battled with a mental illness and episodic alcoholism. It took me ages to find meds that worked.

Im in a good place today but loads of people walked away when the drama was still playing out. Im in mourning for those people or some of them anyway.
Today is very hard because one of them got good news. Her daughter graduated top of the class from a very prestigious university. Her daughter was my god daughter. I wanted to ring and congratulate but Im no longer welcome in their lives. I actually liked my god daughter and Im sad that I cant congratulate her.

Its like dealing with lots of deaths with no funeral.

Do you mourn the people who walked away?
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:10 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm glad you're in a good place now Sammy, that is the most important thing and if you continue on the sober path then maybe there could be contact with your former friend. In the meantime perhaps you could congratulate your god daughter via email, FB or some other digital network.
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks Saoutchik. I took your advice and sent her a msg. Whats the worst that can happen. It better than sitting here crying about it.
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Old 06-12-2019, 08:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Not at all.

I did lose several close friends from childhood as a result of my addiction, it would be great to see them again now that I'm sober. At the same time my recovery is the absolute number one in my life. I can't be looking backwards, only forward to what lies ahead.

If it is meant to be that I cross paths with these people in the future I would welcome it. If not then I will still continue on my path with my head held high. No time for tears or regrets for me.
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Old 06-12-2019, 08:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks we think not. Im full of tears and regrets today. Your outlook is healthier.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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My goddaughter just sent me a friendly little message. That cheered me up.
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Old 06-12-2019, 06:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Yep, my fam cut me loose when I was dying, directly because of drinking. I need to refocus on mindful stuff constantly.
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Old 06-12-2019, 06:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sammymaguire View Post
I battled with a mental illness and episodic alcoholism. It took me ages to find meds that worked.

Im in a good place today but loads of people walked away when the drama was still playing out. Im in mourning for those people or some of them anyway.
Today is very hard because one of them got good news. Her daughter graduated top of the class from a very prestigious university. Her daughter was my god daughter. I wanted to ring and congratulate but Im no longer welcome in their lives. I actually liked my god daughter and Im sad that I cant congratulate her.

Its like dealing with lots of deaths with no funeral.

Do you mourn the people who walked away?
Yes I do mourn people that walked away...a best friend did.

If you have some long term sobriety you could write her and tell her that you do...and tell her how proud you are of her daughter.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad...nothing I can say can make it better...its a process.....I am still in the "angry" stage of losing some of the people I lost.
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I lost all my friends from drinking 15 years ago. The only "friend" I had left was a toxic drinking buddy who spews hate and ugliness wherever he goes, and still harasses me now that I've grown closer to God and gotten sober. But I remember the day I was alone in my house, thinking, "Now I can finally party and enjoy myself", and realized that I was truly alone. And that I didn't care anymore if I lived or died. I had a nervous breakdown then and there, but that's what it took for me to understand what alcohol will take from us.

I mourn the people I hurt and the time and health I wasted. But their lives are surely better today not having a drunk in them, and it took them leaving to give me a much-needed reality check that has been part of the long road out of hell.

I would look any of them in the eye today and apologize for my own mistakes, and mean it. But the pain has caused me to face my demons, and I've never been happier than I am now
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Everyone has walked away. Except my dad who gave up drinking. Twenty years ago.. I only have this site and Aa online meeting. A couple of my friends are both alcoholic And drug addicted. I walked away from them. My ex and best friend died on me. This time last year he was dying of cancer.I still feel guilty about it. Maybe the strain of me was too much for him.. Itís hard being so lonely.
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Old 06-12-2019, 08:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Glad to hear your goddaughter reached out.

I think mourning loses is a part of life - from friends and chances to just the time we had that's gone for good. Dwelling in those loses is different than mourning them. It's important for me to see what I gained from losing and from living, to be grateful for whatever things I was able to hold and let go of. Nothing in life is promised but that it ends. Makes me very thankful to know I get to live out the rest of my days sober enough to appreciate it all.

Thank you for the post and the reminder.
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Old 06-13-2019, 04:20 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks for your replies. I still have 4 good strong people left including my partner who I love dearly. I can see from your replies that I am well off. This disesase sucks. It takes so much from people. Sigh bloody sigh.
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Old 06-13-2019, 04:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Not at all.

I did lose several close friends from childhood as a result of my addiction, it would be great to see them again now that I'm sober. At the same time my recovery is the absolute number one in my life. I can't be looking backwards, only forward to what lies ahead.

If it is meant to be that I cross paths with these people in the future I would welcome it. If not then I will still continue on my path with my head held high. No time for tears or regrets for me.
Pretty much that.

I am fortunate that I've only had two close friends who, frankly, were justified in finally setting a boundary that they loved me from a distance and wished me well. That is a little sad in case of the one, and yet, I place that friendship in a special place during my history.

Anyone else, nope. I only make room for people who are trying to live their own best lives at my table. That includes those who support me and each other. Why would I waste energy on those....who aren't?
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Old 06-13-2019, 05:39 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Itís only at a year sober I am learning to accept the loss of friends in my life. For a long while I still blamed them in some way but the harsh reality is all my friendships ended due to something I said or did while drinking in one way or another. Some werenít directly related to my drinking but I made things a whole lot worse for myself and lashed out at people who I felt had hurt me when I was smashed out of my face. I have learned and I wonít make the same mistakes again but have to constantly remind myself to live in the now, not the past as I canít change it, or the future as I am not there yet and worrying about whatís going to happen serves no positive purpose.

I always pushed people away so when they eventually walked away from me I could justify my self pity and ďthe whole world is against meĒ victim status.

I still have to work at acceptance of my part in it all as when I am tired or stressed the victim in me tries to re-emerge and take over. However, I am wise to it now and react swiftly to shut it down. Love and kindness meditation, gratitude and taking a daily inventory of myself has been my best weapons to deal with it. x
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