I thought I reached the end of my rope a year ago, but stupidly went back. Things of course got bad again, as I got more comfortable in him being nice and feeling like maybe we had a chance at a future.

It it amazes me that someone as smart as I am, who always was the person shaking my head saying “I don’t know why she stays with that jerk” became the girl who stayed with the jerk. All the boundaries I tried to set about not calling me names, not picking fights, meeting my needs too, and one by one I watched them fall over and over. I rode that crazy train. I justified, ignored, cried, begged. I watched this man who I used to lay in bed next to at night just marveling at how deep my love was for him become a man that I would just roll my eyes at when he called me a “b*#ch for the 3rd time that day, now because I forgot the history of Bluetooth that he told me about 3 years prior.

Since February of this year the last of my love slowly died. And finally, after we had seen each other 3 times in a month because of constant drunken fighting from him, he told me I looked fat and also I deserved to get raped in college because girls shouldn’t hang out with guys who might rape them, even if that guy was a friend for 3 years who never acted rapey. I gathered the last of my things and walked out. I didn’t cry for a week. We’ve had the dress rehearsal so many times now, the actual act seemed a lot less chaotic than I imagined. I felt a deep sense of relief in my bones as I got home at 1am that night knowing I could finally breathe.

Its been 3 weeks today. He blamed, begged, gaslighted, complained. I misunderstood him, he didn’t really say those things. He can change because he needs me. I’m (a whole bunch of words I can’t say here) because I won’t change my mind. I’m punishing him by not saying I love him because he knows I do. He just needs one more chance. Screw me he doesn’t need me. Come back, he can’t live without me. He would text me he loved me morning and night like nothing happened everyday.

Finally I stopped responding. Stopped justifying and fighting and just kept texting back “I have no desire to see you again. You need to leave me alone.” He hasn’t texted since Friday. I’m sure he’ll launch another attack if he doesn’t find a new girl soon. But I don’t miss him and I don’t feel that familiar waver in my resolve this time.

Thank you, ABF, for teaching me how to be strong. I didn’t know I was codependent until I met you. I didn’t know how to reach out for help. From AlAnon to therapy, I’ve made so many strides in being a better person. I know how to set boundaries now. I know what red flags look like and to walk away from them. I know that I can’t save people, I can’t control people, and I can’t be responsible for grown ass adults living whatever life they choose to live. I still hope to learn what love looks like without all of the chaos, but I’ll learn to live without it alone first.

This site has been invaluable to me. Thank you to all of you too.