I guess what I meant by saying I wasn't healed until we reunited was that I wasn't at peace til then. My heart was at ease and no longer hurting. I was with the person I wanted. I guess my addiction was him. I saw it as I loved him and that's the person I wanted to be with. I didn't like he had issues with alcohol but I just couldn't bear to leave him for it. In my mind I thought I was better off miserable with him rather than miserable without him. I wasn't really miserable but just concerned. I dealt with it cause I was adamant that he was it . I was happy with him. I just frown now thinking he wasn't exactly happy with me and I didn't know it til a few days ago when he cut me loose.
I guess my fear is being alone and he fills that void. But I don't long for anyone else. We didn't fight. We had a great relationship but I worried about the drinking and it soon made me confront him as to why he kept on. He wouldn't say and I still don't know why to this day. I guess when I love a person I just can't walk away. Frustrated yes ! Cause I couldn't "fix" him. I knew I couldn't. I was just praying he'd seek help. He quit on his on so many times, but failed.
Now that he's seeking help I'm just hurt cause I have no idea how he is. He is no longer my boyfriend so I guess it's no longer my business but I can't stop that I care so much that I wanna know. I just can't stop missing him. Maybe he's not worth it but how does one judge that? I just can't let him go in my heart! I read others who say the same thing and it's a definite struggle. How do you just stop thinking and caring for a man who I planned to spend the rest of my life with?
Maybe him breaking up with me was gods divine intervention to make me get out but I truly didn't want out. I feel like people judge me cause I just don't want to let go.