Thank you both.

Yes I spoke to my therapist that night. One of the most interesting insights was noticing how perceived inferiority follows the arising of fear, and this fear seems to be a deeply conditioned response. When the fear is not present, neither is the inferiority. In meditation that evening I hit a profound state of clarity where the idea of drinking alcohol seemed to be irrational, nigh laughable. What I need to get comfortable with is the undulation of confident and negative states.

This weekend many people in my town will be drinking. My aim is to use it as exposure to the life I want; one of clarity and no regrets but not avoidant of how others are living. I told the girl I am going with whilst in clarity last night just how many ways I might start to change my mind when the fear sets in. She is onboard.

Crucially for me seems to be accepting the reality that there will be many moments ahead where I cannot accept I am no longer able to drink alcohol. But to see that as not something that needs to be acted on or rationalised, but just the natural result of non-acceptance. It will take time, and the natural effects of exposure to fear and the confidence and reward that comes on the other side when walking home sober.

Thats the plan.