I'm doing better. I'm taking concrete steps reccomended by OA to address my problems. Part of the issue I always had was, do I do things the way they told me to in ED recovery programs, or so I do things the way OA says? B cause it's really two different ways. Finally, I'm thinking OA is the way to go, because I've been trying the ED recovery way for five years and it isn't working out, while my friends are recovering in OA. Granted, they're compulsive Overeaters, but I really feel like I have more in common with them since my primary problem is bulimia.
i just kicked two "friends" out of my life. It's been a long time coming and it's for the best. I'm going to be lonely for a while, but I can't take them anymore. They're just not people a healthy person would associate with.
The guy- I'm evaluating it. I think we are both evaluating it since I posted some disturbing ED stuff he saw about a week ago. TBH, I don't know if it will ever be the same. I don't know if it SHOULD be the same. He's really moving away from the person I liked anymore. This girl is only part of that.
He will find out the hard way. A big wake up call is coming for him career wise. She won't stick around. Part of me wanted to hang on until then (hence the reference to ten months), but part of me is so off-put by the whole thing that I don't even know if I like who he is becoming these days. He is going to have to go through everything I went through in the past year- hitting that iceberg professionally, losing a lot of who you thought you were and rebuilding, etc. if I like him on the other side, it's a possibility, but I just don't know if I feel like dealing with it for the intervening ten months and the year it's going to take him to figure out how far off course he's gotten. I can't say I honestly care what happens to him at this point. He's become arrogant, and that's just about my least favorite characteristic. Well, let me tell you, buddy- the world will not hesitate to bring you to your knees, and when it does, he will fall hard, because unlike me, this will really be the first time he's ever failed at anything in his life. I'm not saying this to be a b****, but quite frankly, he needs to go through this. He really does. He's brought the bulk of it on himself, through his own actions and with his own ego and with running around town like a damned teenager in this stupid relationship. Sometimes I look at him and he's so far from the person I originally became interested in that I don't even know what I'm doing.
The incident that prompted me posting the unhealthy things keeps playing in my mind, and it just really makes me see him as someone who might not even deserve me. Maybe he deserves the woman he's with now, who, for all her lack of a criminal record, certainly does not act classy or appropriate. Im not being jealous, but quite frankly- she's just trash. I would never conduct myself in the way that she does. The only reason society gives her a psss is because she is a person of privilege- as I am not, so I am judged for taking off my clothes for money when I would have been homeless without it in college, or going to jail in the midst of my addiction- even though these things were nearly twenty years ago. The double standard is just ridiculous.
Today- in 2019- I'm educated, intelligent, well spoken, I've owned houses, worked professional jobs, and I'm passed over for someone who has accomplished none of the above. It makes me think that maybe he's not the person I thought he was. A large part of me, quite frankly, doesn't even care anymore. He already knows everything about me. If he's not interested, that's fine. There is literally nothing else I can do.