So, perhaps that inevitable moment has come already.

Deep, very painful conflict about not being able to drink moderately. To be part of the “normality”, to be able to cosy up with significant others in nice places and enjoy the romance, comradeship and feeling of sharing good times with significant others...man, it hurts.

And this is despite me sitting down, closing my eyes and trying to remember all the “illusions” of alcohol that I can sometimes so eloquently explain to others. The detailed books I read, willingly bringing to mind even the recent chaos...willingly bringing to mind the benefits that sobriety can bring (increased confidence, remembering the social event, better health, more money, no regrets...the list goes on).

It doesn’t seem to matter. I can’t let go of the research that naltrexone extinguishes binge drinking behaviour in 80%+ of people over the course of 3-8 months. I want to be one of those people, even though I know its not a magic pill and still requires effort and risk.

I met a girl at the weekend. I told her everything about my experiences with alcohol, and she was exceptionally cool about it. But there is a local festival on this weekend, and we are going now; the idea that I can’t be that regular guy...it is just tearing me up today.

I have already decided, ahead of time, “not this weekend”. I would need to get a new script of naltrexone anyway, and I don’t think even I have the balls to try it without.

I am deliberately bringing contradictory points of view to every benefit I can think of, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My brain retorts, if true moderation can be brought about, I won’t have to wrestle with this painful conflict anymore.

I mean this in no disrespect to those here; I really do admire those with sober time, it they flourish in life. But personally, emotionally, it is so hard for me to escape the feeling of inferiority. It’s as if deep down in my mind, I have hardwired the association of alcohol with so many things. So many things I want. I feel anxious, torn...I just want the best for myself, I guess. I want freedom.

Even if I know I can have some of the best of those things without it, even if I know Its possible that I could become truly proud of who I am as a sober man in the world...even then. Even now.

I am reaching out. If anyone has anything to add, however small, it would be very much appreciated. Thank you.