I do totally understand what you are saying. And I can't really add to all the good advice you've received. The basic theme is : Its on me. If I make it a big deal, it is a big deal. If I don't, it isn't. Whatever other people feel, say or do is up to them. But I understand that level of detachment takes time to acquire. And its family, so that can add another level of complexity...if I let it. So there's that ownership thing again.
But the wife. Might want to look at that more closely when you can be objective. This is her family. She doesn't want you to admit you are an alcoholic in recovery. Frankly I think that's the heart of the issue. How does that make you feel?