Good to hear from you Renvate although I'm sorry you're still struggling.
You mentioned dead end a few times. The best way to get out of a dead end is retrace your steps and find another route - not keep bashing your head again the wall.
You say you're not a 'positive case' but you're intelligent thoughtful and empathetic - with different choices I think you easily could be a help to others here and a role model to boot
D