As CarolD used to say, in order to stay sober you must want to be sober
more than you want to drink. Not easy, but simple.
I am all too familiar with waking up hating myself and wishing I were dead.
It got a hell of a lot better after I got sober for good. I no longer hate my life and I wake up each morning feeling pretty good.
I hope you'll use the support here to achieve sobriety.