Ok....at the risk of igniting something, Ban, I have to ask what is jumping out at me:
Are you drunk and making all these shares?
Because I know I sounded just like you whether online or in person or in my head or talking to my dog....when I was drunk.
I had to stop drinking to start being able to communicate clearly - and have a prayer of getting all the horrible thoughts like you are sharing out and away so I could get sober permanently.
Also? This is my experience and I have shared it many times here. It is not medical advice.
I went cold turkey. It's possible, many feel strongly against it, but for me, I knew alcohol would kill me so I chose uncertain consequences over certain death, to put it very briefly.
I went thru a lot and while I don't want to scare you with sharing it I want to say this clearly: being scared of quitting is not a good enough reason to keep drinking. Period.
I'm being direct here because you are in crisis- and you are 27 - and I can promise you that if you stop drinking, you have more possibility than you can imagine right now at a completely different and better life. I was 39, finally HEARD the dr that told me I had a yr, 18 mo if I didn't quit, and I finally realized I didn't want to die.
You don't have to spend 12 more years - 1 more year- 1 more day - without stopping, or getting professional help to stop.
You will die if you keep going.
I hope you choose the chance at life you have since you are still with us now.